The League of Extraordinary Idiots
by et3rnalydamned
Summary: This is a crossover including characters from Devil May Cry, FFVII, and Legacy of Kain with random characters here and there. Just like the title implies; random idiotic nonsense... Enjoy! Possible permanent hiatus, idk yet.
1. Authoress' Note A

Authoress' Note A

Waya: Just wanted to warn all of you the first chapter does in fact start off really gay

Vergil: No duh

Waya: Shut your face! ::to the audience:: But it does get better, actually I had a lot of ideas to make it better but just didn't have the heart to change it… that's all ::to Vergil:: Get the hell outta my note!

Vergil: … ::leaves::

Nero: Can I stay?

Waya: Whatever…

Nero: Yes! ::boards up the doors to keep Dante out::


	2. The LoEI Unite

Authoress' Comments

Waya: Hi! I'm Waya if you couldn't guess. This is our first story we've ever written and the first thing we've ever put on the internet so I would appreciate it if all of you could be nice! If not someone may die...Any way I don't mind the constructive criticism like I missed a period or something might sound better if worded like this and so on and so on ect ect but if you could please refrain from saying the story sux or it's not funny because I don't really care and I'm going to put it up anyway and you will only be wasting our valuable story writing time

Miko: Yeah! Dudes, um, seriously, you shouldn't read this if you're just gonna be like "wow, that was gay" cause YOU'RE GAY! Haha, just joking. But yeah, uh, yeah, from the mouth of Kain "I don't care"

Kain: Stop stealing that thing that I say!

Raziel: I thought you didn't care

Kain: Just because I don't care does not mean she can steal that thing that I say!

Dante: Uh...guys? Your friend is really starting to freak me out

Narrator: Me too

Leroy: ::drooling over Dante::

Sephiroth: Do I get to say something other than 'cookies'?

Waya: Yeah! You get to bitch about not being able to say anything but 'cookies'

Sephiroth: Damn!

Vergil: Can I go home?

Waya: No! Now on with the story because I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear all of you bitch anymore! Welcome to the first chapter of the rest of the League of Extraordinary Idiots!

Kain: Wow... she picked that name well

Raziel: Too well...

Miko: I thought you didn't care?

Kain: I don't care, and stop agreeing with me, Raziel, it's not like you and its annoying...but I don't care

Raziel: O.o

Vergil: I hate my life...

Dante: I hate your life, too

Leroy: Autograph, autograph, autograph ::bounces up and down holding a pen and paper::

Waya: Ooooh, almost forgot the Disclaimer: I own none of these characters... except the Narrator... and Miko-

Miko: Hey! Bitch: I own you!

Waya: ::deadpans:: Aaanyway: Dante and Vergil to Capcom, Raziel and Kain to Eidos, Sephiroth to Square Enix and any other characters in here I don't own to there respected pwners, I mean owners. That was actually a typo but it was just too funny to delete

Chapter One

The League of Extraordinary Idiots Unite

(Uh oh...)

Characters

*Waya (not from a video game but wishes she was)

*Miko (does not speak douche, douche)

*Johnnie (is a dick)

*Leroy (in love with Dante and not from a video game)

*Narrator (who has a secret)

*Kain (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Raziel (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Vergil (Devil May Cry 3)

*Dante (Devil May Cry 3)

*Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Zombies

Girl Scouts

Mormons

Cops

Killer from 'When a Stranger Calls'

Giant zombie brain eating rats

Spider-Man

Midnight

Waya and Miko are chilling in Waya's room smoking cigarettes talking about doomsday singing "Zombie fighters! Do do do do do do!" when suddenly Waya's dead bird squawks. Then the phone rings. "Your turn!" Miko says. "Fuck you," Waya replies as she flips Miko the bird and not the dead one either. Getting up she answers the phone. "Hello?" she says only to be met with silence on the other end. "Fuck you too, ya douche," she replies hanging up the phone. Then suddenly in pops Kain, just pops, no portal, no door, no walking, he just pops...like popcorn. And just as Kain pops in, through the door comes Raziel. Pausing to catch his breath Raziel then yells out, "You will pay for stealing my map, Kain!" pointing at the ceiling. Ignoring Raziel Kain looks over the map he stole. Looking around he realizes something and voices his thoughts, "This isn't Disney Land." Just then through the kitchen door, which leads to Waya's room, in comes Johnnie eating a bag of popcorn.

All the while Miko and Waya are crying in a corner mourning over their burned out cigarettes, "Whaahaahaa!" Johnnie looks at Kain and Raziel. "Dude! Turn me into a vampire!" "Sure, you're a vampire," Kain responds sarcastically as he waves his hand at Johnnie. Turning back to Raziel's stolen map he and Raziel continue to argue about the best route to Disney Land. "Douche..." Johnnie mutters as he walks back out of the room glancing at the weeping girls. As Waya and Miko comfort each other at the loss of their cigarettes they notice Vergil walk through the garage door because Waya's room just happens to be a garage. So shut up.

Looking around he mutters a single word, "Power..." Deeming this room and its occupants powerless (douche) he leaves. What a douche. Where's the comedy? Noticing the sobbing Waya and weeping Miko Kain demands, not asks, demands, "WHERE'S DISNEY LAND!" "Now do you want Disney Land or Disney World because they're two totally different things miles and miles and miles apart," Miko says sarcastically because now she has switched from sad to pissed about her deceased cigarette, thanks to Kain's yelling, as Waya continues to sob in the background taking comfort from her dead bird. Pausing to scratch his head Kain returns to Raziel to discuss this new dilemma. Then just as Kain opens his mouth to respond to Miko's question Sephiroth comes crashing through the roof. Seconds later Mormons come dancing through the room singing "Zombie fighters! Do do do do do do!" only to be slaughtered and as they are being slaughtered Raziel yells, "Fuck you and your 110 year old couches!" "That's my line!" Johnnie yells from the kitchen over the sound of popping popcorn. Then the phone rings only to be shanked by Sephiroth who then yells, "Who the fuck's writing this shit?" Uh oh... "Where the fuck's myline?" "You just said your line!" a mysterious and disembodied voice responds.

Sephiroth proceeds to shank said voice. "Ouch! Don't do that!" the voice says. Then the back up phone rings, the phone Miko and Waya bought just incase the other phone happened to be shanked, because Johnnie was over more frequently and we all know what Johnnie likes to do and no it's not drink... okay maybe it is. Damn alcoholic. "Your turn," Waya happily reminds Miko. "Dick move," Miko replies as she presses the talk button. "Now is not a good time to call. What the fuck do you want?" "Ask them for directions to Disney Land!" Kain calls from the background. "You know, that's what Google maps are for," Waya tells Kain. "Don't like the internet," Kain replies. Waya deadpans. "Where's my line?" Sephiroth sobs uncontrollably from the other background, the one Kain's not using. Miko receives no answer from the phone which pisses her off as she yells, "Ya fucking douche!" After a short pause, in which Miko fumes, an answering voice responds, "Got a pen and some paper?" "Excuse me, douche? I don't speak douche," she says. "For the directions to Disney Land," the voice replies. "Oh," she responds as she passes Kain pen and paper and phone. Kain, Raziel, map, and phone retreat to a broom closet until further notice. "Fuck! Where's the light?" Kain asks, voice muffled by the door. "Try pulling that string," Raziel suggests. "I'm lonely," the voice on the phone puts in. "Shut up!" Kain yells into the phone. At which point Waya and Miko begin to discuss the original plan not to die repeatedly. Suddenly at 2:00 in the fucking morning Girl Scouts ring the door bell. "I got it!" Waya yells heading for the front door with Johnnie at her heels and Miko not far behind. Opening the door Waya says, "The fuck? Watchu want?" Johnnie says, "Oooh cookies. Can we get some?" Miko says. "You guys want some cookays?" "I want some cookies!" Sephiroth yells appearing like Kain did earlier; with a pop out of thin air. "We're selling Girl Scout cookies," a Girl Scout says. "Duh," Kain responds, standing behind Miko. "The hell you come from?" Miko asks Kain who shrugs his shoulders in response. "You're selling cookies at 2:00 in the fucking morning?" Waya asks. "Money's money," they reply in unison.

Sephiroth buys lots of thin mints then Kain comes and kidnaps the Girl Scouts leaving behind the money which Johnnie takes. Waya, being smart, makes a suggestion, "Shouldn't we check on Vergil?" "Oh a smart cookie," Miko replies popping a cookie in her mouth, Waya just stares not sure if Miko is talking to her or the cookie. "Why should we check on Vergil, he's not here," Kain says around a mouthful of Girl Scout cradling his mop, Raziel in the background finger painting the walls with a Girl Scout. "These come in handy," he says stepping back to take a look at his masterpiece. Looking at the walls Kain shakes his head saying, "Such a waste." "That's why we should check on Vergil; because he's not here," Waya mutters under her breath before adding to Raziel, "Now who's cleaning that up?" as she also takes a step back to marvel at Raziel's 'masterpiece'. Raziel points to Kain. As Miko lights up another, yes another, cigarette (chain smoker) she says, "No, he's not here but he came in , said 'power', then left shortly after you arrived and we all know that with great power comes great damage to the neighbors." "Only when it comes to Vergil and Kain and probably Johnnie as well," Waya adds. "Good point," Raziel says, stopping his painting. "No it's not," Kain argues. Raziel gives him the finger. "These cookies are good," Sephiroth says. "Yep," Johnnie agrees. Waya being oblivious while playing Devil May Cry 4.

2

Minutes

Later

Raziel and Kain finally realize there are three humans in the room. "I call the dumb one," Kain says. Waya and Miko look at Johnnie. "Which one's the dumb one?" Raziel asks. "Who cares? They're all food," Kain replies. "Well the dumb one is the one who didn't think of this plan: you two take Miko and I and make us your gophers so you two can sit and look pretty while we go and get you food but you have to train us first which means we each need separate litter boxes," Waya says taking deep breaths in between puffs of her cigarette. Miko adds, "Yeah, we were thinking that before you showed up because we're psychic," she giggles. "Yeah? Then what am I thinking?" Johnnie asks. "You wanna be a vampire," Miko says confidently. "You wanna get hit," Waya threatens, her words coming out as more of a growl. "You want more cookies?" Raziel asks shrugging. "You want blood...no wait, that's me," Kain says. "Meteor!" Sephiroth yells out randomly. "Fuck!" Miko curses. Then the phone rings. "Hello?" Raziel answers. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells. "Cookies!" Johnnie echoes. "Have you checked the children?" a voice asks over the phone. "Let me check... anyone have any children?" Raziel asks the group of ...uh...we're leaving that blank. "No, Raziel's dead to me," Kain replies, disowning Raziel. Raziel flips him the bird. "No, I don't think so," Johnnie says. Man whore. "Nope, definitely not," Waya says, proud to be a virgin. "Uh...no, I'm gay, remember?" Miko reminds. And a slut. Shhh. "Cookies!" Sephiroth says. "Sorry, no children here," Raziel informs, hanging up the phone. "As you two were saying..." Sephiroth says to Waya and Miko, finally joining intelligence, not obsessed with cookies, and interested in their plan to work for Kain and Raziel, in order to stay alive. "Oh, well, basically-" Miko starts but is interrupted by Johnnie. "Wait, so you dicks would sit back and watch me die while you live and be gophers!" Johnnie accuses. "Pretty much," Waya says jokingly but truth be told she forgot about him. "Fuck that! I wanna be a fucking VAMPIRE!" Johnnie yells not seeing the joking part. Kain and Raziel are thinking over the idea Waya suggested until Raziel is suddenly distracted by Spider-Man -'The Fuck?' he thinks. -fighting off a giant brain eating zombie rat - 'The Fuck?' - on the roof -'The Fuck!' -"Not my brain ya douche!" -'...' -Spider-Man yells. "Oooh, puppy!" Sephiroth says grabbing a hold of the rat which begins to chew on Johnnie's head but dies of starvation. "Hey Kain! It's Spider-Man!" Miko yells out like the idiot she is. Now what gave her the impression that Kain would care? "Who the fuck cares?" Kain replies. Hmmm... "I care," Sephiroth says receiving a high five from Miko. "Yay! I'm loved!" he says while Johnnie sits on the couch drooling. "I got it!" Waya yells taking off her boot. "No, Waya! Put your boot back on!" Miko yells.

3:00 am

We find the League of Extraordinary Idiots sitting in the living room now consisting of Waya, Miko, Johnnie, Sephiroth, Kain, Raziel, and Spider-Man who is sitting on the roof. Spider-Man's thoughts: 'Holy shit this is stupid.' Miko says, "Spider-Man, you're my favorite super hero but you're not going to survive. Just go and kill yourself. It's less painful." "So...how am I your favorite?" Spider-Man asks. Miko just shrugs. "Wait! Before you kill yourself give me some beer," Johnnie says. "NO!" Sephiroth yells. "He can't die! He's not black!" he finishes on the verge of tears. "Oh! That reminds me, while ya'll are on black people I have to call Leroy," Waya says. Getting up she grabs the phone and as she is dialing Leroy's number the phone rings. Hitting the reject button she proceeds. "Why is Jess calling Leroy?" Johnnie asks Miko. "Because we need the token black dude," Miko replies. Sephiroth laughs diabolically cuddling his rat. Thinking about what Waya said about checking on Vergil Miko addresses Sephiroth, "Hey Sephy-" only to be cut off as Sephiroth wails, "No! Not the nicknames again!" Miko giggles and finishes her sentence, "You should really go check on Vergil." "Anything to escape the nicknames!" he yells in response flying out of the house.

They Order Pizza

4:18 am

Sephiroth comes crashing through the front door interrupting the Halo tournament and preventing Waya's death because it turns out Kain doesn't like to lose. "Guess what. Guess what. Guess what," Sephiroth repeats. Miko opens her mouth to say 'what' but Sephiroth speaks first, "Me and Vergil are taking over the world!" Kain smacks his forehead saying, "Fuck." Raziel asks, "Where's the rat?" Johnnie drools on Waya. Waya smacks him causing Miko to say, "I wanna plaaaay!" and smacks Johnnie. Then Waya smacks Johnnie, then Miko smacks Johnnie, then Waya, then Miko, then Waya, then Miko while Spider-Man slips out the window thinking, 'What the fuck's wrong with these people? This shit's so stupid.' Needless to say, Johnnie's cheeks hurt. Then the disembodied voice appears and asks, "When did ya'll get pizza?" Forgetting about conquering the world Sephiroth heads for the pizza. Then, as though the thought just occurred to it, the disembodied voice asks, "How did ya'll pay for the pizza?" around a mouthful of said pizza.

Flash Back

3:09 am

Ding Dong

"Pizza's here!" somebody yells. Kain answers the door. "Nooooo...Shit fuck," says Waya already knowing what's to come. "That will be $38.42," says the pizza guy. "Money? Money! You expect the mighty and powerful Kain to pay for anything!" Kain demands as Waya covers her eyes. Looking thoroughly amused Raziel responds, "I think he does." as the pizza guy begins to drool, having his brain eaten by brain eating zombie rats. "Ah...that's where the rat went," Raziel concludes watching the flash back. Kain proceeds to shank poor little stoner pizza guy in the flashback while yelling, "I pay for nothing!" With little stoner pizza guy now shish kabob everyone, who can, begins to eat pizza while waiting for Sephiroth to return. "Any one wanna play Halo?" Waya asks. Miko mutters, "Oh shit. We are so dead. Mmm, pizza."

End Flash Back

4:20 am

"Mmm, pizza," Sephiroth says. Suddenly somewhere in Rome while killing demons Dante hears pizza spoken at 8 Darlene Ln. How the fuck he knows that even he doesn't know, but he comes running anyway. Upon arriving pizza is gone. Breaking down and crying, sobbing, and sniffling over the brutalized, massacred, and all around eaten pizza he leaves. Just as Dante is leaving Leroy comes and watches as Dante walks away. Five seconds later he asks, "Was that Dante? Where the fuck's my pen and paper?" Chasing after Dante he yells, "I love you! Can I have your autograph?" Turning around Dante sees a giant sobbing black dude running towards him. If time were to suddenly slow it would go something like this: Boom...Boom...Boom...Boom...Bolting Dante cries for his mommy.

Zooming across the city we join Vergil at his dark and sinister Tower and yes Tower is capitalized because it is. "I don't do comedy," he says crossing his arms so now the camera zooms to Dante and Leroy. The Narrator, now revealed as Aquaman, laughs his ass off and zooms back to the house.

5:09am

Johnnie is passed out on the couch. Waya is passed out, yet still trying to play Devil May Cry 4, on her 360. Spider-Man is...well...he's just gone. Miko is playing Uno with Sephiroth or 'Sephy' as she like to call him, how she got his brain to work well enough for Uno, or anything for that matter, no one may ever know and Kain and Raziel are playing spades. Then the doorbell rings followed by a very familiar squawk. Miko jumps up to answer it. Opening the door she sees a phone which begins to ring. Answering the phone she says, "Olar." On the other end Vergil mumbles, "Better than cookies..." before raising his voice, saying, "My dark and sinister Tower went up in flames...aaand I need a place to crash...but don't tell Dante or I'll kill you." Muttering "Douche." at the threat Miko responds saying, "Hold on, I have to ask..." Addressing the background Miko yells, "IS IT OK IF VERGIL CRASHES HERE BECAUSE HIS TOWER WENT... BAM!" "Melodramatic much?" Vergil asks. Miko is responded to with a series of "Don't care"s except for Sephiroth who yells, "Cookies!" followed by Vergil who says, "Idiot." And Johnnie who drools with Leroy in the background who, not only gets a line, finally, but has Dante cornered trying to get an autograph, "Can I please have your autograph?" Dante, being cornered, is crying like a baby, "No! Don't pinch my cheeks!" yelling for help while jabbing at Leroy with his sword who won't die because he's fat. All of this causes a disturbance making the police show up.

5:12 am

Vergil shows up and rings the doorbell which is answered by Sephiroth who yells, "Cookies!" with Dante and Leroy behind Vergil also looking for a place to crash and hide from the police. Sephiroth, being stupid, yells out, "Cookies!" and lets them all in, zombies and Mormans included. Poor zombies because we all know what's going to happen but fuck the Mormans because everyone knows Mormans and old people don't have souls.

Flash Back To Vergil's Tower

4:43 am

"...Well...would you look at that...Who the fuck left the goddamn oven on!" Vergil says as he looks at his flaming Tower. Hey look, he did comedy. Whipping out his, and no need to be perverted here, cell phone he sends Waya's dead, but newly resurrected so technically no longer dead, bird to her house to leave his second phone at her front door. Praying Sephiroth doesn't answer the phone he dials the number.

End Flash Back

6:46am

"Cookies!" Sephiroth yells out waking up Johnnie who yells, "Beer!" which wakes up Waya who swings her boot yelling, "I got it!" hitting Vergil who wakes up yelling, "Power!" and shanks Dante who wakes up yelling, "Pizza!" waking up Leroy who yells, "Can I have your autograph?" which wakes up Raziel who yells, "Die!" hitting Kain who wakes up and yells, "Vae Victus!" smacking Miko who wakes up yelling, "I swear she wasn't my bitch!" Everyone, now being awake, looks at Miko except for Dante who is ultimately trying, keyword being trying, to kill Vergil for shanking him. Everyone gives Miko the 'dyke' look, including Dante and Vergil who stop trying to kill each other just for that.

Raziel walks off to look for more giant brain eating zombie rats, Kain goes back to sleep, and Dante and Vergil continue to fight in the background. Blood. Lots of blood. Then the phone rings. Raziel answers the phone, sucks the guy's soul through the phone, eats it and says, "Call now ya fucking douche!" then leaves to look for giant brain eating zombie rats again. Then the doorbell rings and Leroy answers it. The police are standing at the threshold of stupidity. To prove said point Sephiroth pops up behind the cops and yells, "Cookies!" then pops up behind Leroy and yells, "Cookies!" and then Sephiroth pops up on the roof and yells as loud and as annoying as he can, "COOOOOKIEEEEES... ... ...rule." The cops look at each other then look at Kain, Miko, Waya, Leroy, Dante and Vergil, with swords protruding from them, then Johnnie, Raziel, and finally Sephiroth who is still on the roof, and walk away. Cop #1, Bob, says, "We soooo need to lay off the donuts." Cop #2, Bill, agrees. Then all of a sudden... "Cookies!" Then everyone goes back to bed until chapter two; The League of Extraordinary Idiots on a Normal Day. "Cookies!" Shut up, Sephiroth.

Waya: Well that's it until we get chapter two up and I made some changes and yes me and Miko...o.k. well I, invented the song Zombie Fighters and yes I do have a dead bird sitting in my room... ...Tell us what you think!

Miko: I can't believe you made changes without me ::goes and pouts in the corner::

Waya: Then be here more often

Sephiroth: Yay!

Vergil: Oh boy...I can't wait ::sarcasm::

Dante: Do we get pizza in chapter two?

Waya: Yes, we get pizza

Dante: Yes!

Leroy: Can I PLEASE get Dante's autograph in chapter two?

Waya: Yea, we'll give you his autograph

Leroy: Finally

Sephiroth: How come I start out smart and then become an idiot?

Waya: Because it's funny

Sephiroth: ...:\

Kain: Ooh! Do I get to kill someone?

Waya: Of course and so does Miko

Miko: Awesome! ::stops pouting::

Waya: Got anything to say Raziel? You're awfully quiet...

Raziel: ... ...Not really...

Waya: Oh, by the way. I'm also introducing a new character!

Vergil: Lovely... Whose life are you going to fuck up this time?

Waya: Aww... Don't be like that, Verg. I didn't really fuck your life up.

Vergil: Says you...

Dante: I actually like it here. Pizza all the time!

Johnnie: ::drools::

Sephiroth: And cookies!

Dante: Yeah!

Vergil: Idiots...

Kain: I agree...They are quite stupid...

Vergil: Hmmm...

Raziel: I can definitely do without all of my brethren's children...Though it is a bit too peaceful...

Kain: I miss killing people being legal...

Raziel: Yea...

Vergil: Where exactly do you come from where killing people is legal?

Kain: A place where killing people is legal

Raziel: Nosgoth...and it's not actually legal as much as everyone's too afraid to do anything

Vergil: Sounds like fun...

Waya: Alright you three, break it up and no plotting. We'll see ya next chapter! Say bye everyone!

Everyone: BYE!

Sephiroth: Cookies!

Kain: Don't care

Johnnie: ::drools::

Vergil: What ever...


	3. The LoEI on a Normal Day

Authoress' Comments

Waya: Well here it is! Chapter two!

Johnnie: Hey! How come I have 'still a dick' in parenthesis beside me?!

Miko: Because...you're still a dick

Leroy&Dante: ::snickers::

Kain: Is there going to be some crazy clown trying to spank people?

Raziel: The hell? ::looking at the character list::

Vergil: Can I please not be in this one...

Waya: No...he's not gonna be running around randomly spanking people, we do have him contained

Dante: Thank god

Vergil: I'd have to kill myself otherwise

Dante: Yeah, I'd have to get you to kill me too

Vergil: Once, with the Jester, was definitely enough

Leroy: Autograph, autograph, autograph ::bounces up and down holding a pen and paper::

Vergil: Why me?

Dante: ::nods head in agreement to Jester statement:: More than enough

Sephiroth: This sux! All I say is cookies!

Vincent: Why am I even in here?

Dante: ::whispers to Vincent:: Run! Run while you can!

Miko: Hey! Don't scare off the new guy

Kain: You two don't need us for that

Waya: Well that was mean

Raziel: But true

Vincent: So true...

Miko: Nah! You'll have fun!

Vergil: ::is helping Vincent plan an escape route::

Waya: ::takes blueprints of plan away::

Vergil&Vincent: ::lose all hope::

Dante: ;;to the audience:: Johnnie fucks Susan!

WayaLeroy&Miko: Eeeewwwwwww!!!

Sephiroth: I don't get it....

Kain: I think she's this really ugly fat chick

Raziel: More than once? Gross....

Vergil: Yeah...gross ::shudders::

Narrator: How can he stand to do that?

Vergil: ::shrugs shoulders:: Beats me...

Waya: Okay, here it is: Chapter two! And if you do leave a reply welcome Vincent aboard! ::holds out hands towards Vincent::

Vincent: ::is moping in a corner::

Waya: And now disclaimer time; Kain and Raziel to Eidos, Vergil, Dante, and ass spanking Jester to Capcom and Vincent and Sephiroth to Square Enix

******************************************************************************************

Chapter Two

The League of Extraordinary Idiots on a Normal Day

(Normal...right)

Characters

*Waya (still wishes she was in a video game)

*Miko (thinks Dante is hot though she swears up and down she's gay)

*Leroy (now in love with Vergil, poor guy can't decide) (he's not gay in real life... it's just funnier this way)

*Johnnie (is still a dick)

*Narrator a.k.a. Aquaman (no longer has a secret)

*Kain (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Raziel (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Vergil (Devil May Cry 3)

*Dante (Devil May Cry 3)

*Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

*Vincent (Final Fantasy VII)

*Chaos (from inside Vincent's head)

Jester from DMC 3 that likes to spank people

Italian Police

Straight Jacket guys

Giant Crippled Octopus

Giant Pig

Giant Raccoon

Chinese Police

Fire fighters

Random pedestrians doomed to die

A Morman

1:00 pm

At 1:00 pm we find The League of Extraordinary Idiots lounging around the house. "Put those goddamn brain cells you just grew to fucking use and fix the damn roof in my goddamn mother fuckin bedroom!" Waya yells at Sephiroth. Cringing he replies, "Yes ma'am." By some other miracle Sephiroth manages to get those brain cells working and fixes the hole in Waya's bedroom roof but unfortunately they do not last long. "Cookies!" "Damn!" Waya mumbles. Walking into the living room she sees Dante sleeping on the couch with Leroy hovering over him, Kain and Raziel hovering over a map, Sephiroth accepting Miko's invitation to play go fish, Vergil plotting to conquer the world, and Johnnie drinking a beer.

Plopping down in front of the television she turns on her 360 and tunes out the world. "I'm hungry...go fish," Miko blurts out several minutes later. "Let's order pizza," Waya suggests. Dante wakes with a start at the word pizza yelling overly enthusiastically, "Italy's got the best pizza in the world! Let's go there!" "Yay! ^^ I finally got his autograph!" Leroy says, sobbing while hugging a picture of Dante, which Waya drew, to his chest. Dante, freaking out, moves to the other side of the couch putting Vergil between him and Leroy. "Italian people taste like shit," Kain says, heading to the kitchen for more blood. Leroy looks at Vergil. Vergil starts to sweat. "...Ohmygod! I love you! Can I have your autograph?!" Leroy yells. Dante snickers. And Vergil curses the writer. But hey it's funny so who cares. "I ain't drawing Vergil! My hand still fucking hurts!" Waya yells over her shoulder while playing Devil May Cry 4. Maybe next chapter she'll get a different game...but probably not. "Cookies!" Sephiroth says. "Nope, go fish," Miko responds. "I know; let's send Miko and Kain... Up. UP," Raziel says trying to train his new pet rats.

While Waya tries to figure out Raziel's logic but ends up ultimately failing and giving up Johnnie steals the 360 controller from her starting a fight which Miko joins. After Miko and Waya team up and beat Johnnie into the ground Waya addresses Raziel with her earlier question, "Why the hell Miko and Kain? I mean...ya know?" "Because...they annoy me," Raziel answers back. "Ah, good point," Waya responds. "No it's not!" Kain yells from the kitchen. "Shut up! You don't even know what we're talking about!" Waya yells to him. "So?!" Kain yells back. "Jackass," Waya mumbles. "I heard that!" Kain responds. "Hey! Don't we get a say in this?" Miko asks, pausing her game of go fish as their conversation finally sinks in. "No," Waya and Raziel respond in unison. "Douches," Miko mutters. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells. "Go fish," Miko tells him as he pulls another card. "Oh oh oh! Can I go? Can I? Can I? Can I? Pleeeaase! Pahleheahease!" Dante whines getting down on his knees in front of Miko. "Sure!" You can be comic relief," Miko says. "Yes!" Dante says, pumping the air with his fist. "Cookies?" Sephiroth asks. "Nope...why don't you try asking for something other than cookies," Miko suggests to Sephiroth. "I agree. It's kind of hard to tell him what you have if all he asks for are cookies," the Narrator says. "Hey! You're cheating ya fucking douche!" Miko yells angrily while pointing a finger at the roof. "Oops," the Narrator confesses. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells.

"I'm telling you we head west, Raziel!" Kain argues. "And I'm telling you you're wrong! West will take us to Disney World! North takes us to Disney Land!" Raziel argues back. Staring each other down they yell in unison, "Miko!! We need directions!" "Sorry guys. Me and Kain are leaving now," Miko says as Dante comes skipping over to the front door where Miko stands. "Wait...what? Where are we going? What'd I miss?" Kain asks Raziel. "You, Miko, and apparently, that guy that whines a lot are going to Italy to get pizza," Raziel explains. "Which guy that whines a lot? The fat black one -"Hey!" Leroy yells - or the one dressed in red?" "Me," Dante says, answering Kain's question. "And I don't whine a lot," Dante tells Kain and Raziel while crossing his arms and pouting. "Well he's better than the fat black one," Kain concludes. "I can't help it! It's the boobs!" Leroy yells again from somewhere near the kitchen. "Alright, Kain. Let's go! Do that pop thing," Miko orders. Grabbing Miko and Dante Kain makes like popcorn and pops into Italy. "Yes! Annoying bitch is gone!" Johnnie yells to the roof with a pelvic thrust, (so perverted, first couches, then roofs) only for them to return because Miko forgot her jacket. "Damn!" Johnnie says. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells. "Fuck you and your girl scout cookies," Johnnie says to Sephiroth while waving his finger. "Uh oh..." Waya mutters. Raziel and Vergil take a step away from Sephiroth. "......" with a vein throbbing in his forehead Sephiroth blows up the world but, being dumb, blows up Jupiter by accident. "Dahhhh!! You've ruined our gravitational pull...What ever. I'm gone...to the bathroom," Johnnie sings as he pees, extremely off key. Flushing the toilet he says, "I need a nap," "Great... he ruined our gravity," Vergil mutters.

As Johnnie reenters the room Dante asks, after much contemplation, "What's gravity?" because anyone who's played and beaten DMC 3 knows that Dante defies gravity, so does Vergil's hair. As an answer to Dante's question Johnnie picks up a boulder, holds it over Dante's head, and says, "This is gravity," dropping the boulder. Upon contact the boulder splits down the middle. Being unaffected Dante just shrugs saying, "I don't get it," and continues to wait for not only Miko but Kain as well considering Kain walked off out of boredom. "Nice sword, but wouldn't it be better if it was enchanted? Ice maybe?" Raziel says, addressing Johnnie, examining the Anagalishki, Johnnie's, soon to be enchanted, katana. "Good idea. If it was ice enchanted I could freeze things," Johnnie responds taking back his sword. "Where the fuck is my jacket?!" Miko yells from somewhere near the back of the house.

Raziel leaves Johnnie to help Miko find her jacket. Now with an enchanted sword on his mind Johnnie begins to look for Vergil knowing he can enchant things. Finding Vergil in the living room sitting on the couch Johnnie addresses him proving to Vergil he's an idiot, "Vergil...Please! By the power of whoever the fuck you worship make my blade icy so I can freeze my beers," Vergil's eye twitches at being interrupted. "Fine...Bring me demons blood...and go away," he responds, hoping to get rid of Johnnie, with no intention of enchanting anything. "I wouldn't," Waya says. "Yeah, not a good idea," Miko agrees, still hunting for her jacket. "I have no intention of enchanting anything. Didn't you read the line?" Vergil replies, leaving to lock himself in a closet hoping for some silence. "Demons blood..." Johnnie says, repeating Vergil's instructions. "Wait a minute. Dante's a demon!" Looking at Dante Johnnie says, "Yeeehs," Dante just thinks, 'Oh shit.' knowing Johnnie was talking to Vergil earlier. 'I'm going to get stabbed, I just know it.' As Miko enters the room digging through shit for he jacket Johnnie shanks Dante. "Son of a bitch! You stabbed me!" Dante yells. Now with his sword covered in blood Johnnie locates Vergil and presents the blood to him. "Did you just stab Dante?" Vergil asks. "Yep," Johnnie says sounding proud of himself. "Perfect. Give me a day," Vergil tells him, taking his sword, apparently agreeing to enchant his blade not heeding Waya or Miko. "Noooo! I want it now!" Johnnie whines, stomping his foot. "Not a smart idea, Verg," Waya tells him standing in front of door, arms crossed. "He stabbed Dante. Good enough for me," Vergil responds exiting the house. "Don't care," Kain says from...somewhere. "Should I grab a mop?" Raziel asks. "Nah," Waya responds. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells. Shaking her head Waya returns to DMC 4.

Walking back over to Dante Johnnie says, "My bad dude. You want a band aid?" "Son of a bitch! You stabbed me!" Dante yells again, shanking Johnnie. As Johnnie falls down from blood loss he says, " You's the son of a biiiiiitch!" Dante hits the ground five seconds later due to the sight of blood and he hasn't had any pizza in a while. Walking into the living room Sephiroth yells, "Cookies!" before tripping over Dante only to trip over Johnnie afterwards face planting the floor. Johnnie's leg suddenly flies up into the air landing on the back of his head which later his blamed on twitching from loss of blood only to be discovered by Waya that it actually wasn't.

"Found it!" Miko yells exiting a closet with her jacket on. "About goddamn time!" Kain yells. Dante jerks awake. "Found it?" he asks. "Yep!" Miko replies. "Thanks Razzy!" she yells over her shoulder. "When did we get all of these decomposed bodies?" Raziel asks, walking into the living room. Everyone just gives him a blank stare. "Oookay," he says walking off. "Alright, Kain! Let's make like popcorn," Miko orders. Grabbing Miko and Dante Kain once again pops into Italy.

1:02.12 pm

In Italy

And yes, all of that did happen in 2.12 seconds. "Awesome! We're in Italy!" Miko yells ignoring the weird stares people are giving them considering the fact that they just popped out of nowhere. "Hang on, I'll get directions," Dante says. "You speak Italian?" Kain asks. "Yep!" Dante responds. "You'd think he'd already know where the pizza parlor is," Miko says. "You'd think," Kain responds. Apparently asking for directions, Dante and some Italian person launch into conversation. "What are they saying?" Miko asks Kain. "How the fuck should I know?" Kain responds. "Can't you read minds?" Miko asks him. "I'm lazy," he says. Ending the conversation Dante rejoins Kain and Miko. "Ok. He either said the pizza parlor's that way or he was recently mauled by a giant crippled octopus," Dante says. Then out of nowhere Johnnie falls from the sky landing on Dante and says, "Payback's a bitch you son of a bitch," before passing out. Miko laughs her ass off passing out from lack of oxygen. Kain grabs Miko and Johnnie and starts walking in the direction of the pizza parlor. Dante follows after removing himself from the ground.

In A Block Over

He's lost, he's confused, he's scary, and he's pissed. Meet Vincent Valentine. Walking straight ahead the crowds part for him. "We're lost," a voice says. "I know, Chaos. Now be quiet!" Vincent responds to the mysterious voice calling it 'Chaos'. Great...another disembodied voice. Who is he talking too? Is he schizophrenic? Kain, Miko, Dante, and Johnnie are all about to find out. Or are they? Probably not.

Back Over To the Other Block

Dante rounds the corner first. "See? I told you a giant octopus didn't actually maul that guy," Miko says. "So my Italian needs work. Your point being?" Dante responds. Seeing Vincent walking by Johnnie yells out, "Cure me mother fucker!" before passing out again. Stopping to look over Vincent sees some gender confused chick and some guy dressed in red walk into a pizza parlor as another man with white hair stands over some guy who passed out before entering the pizza parlor laughing. Having nothing better to do he uses cure3 on Johnnie. Jumping up Johnnie yells, "Sweet!" "Where am I?" Vincent asks him. "You're in Italy, in our dimension now, dude," Johnnie responds.

Just then Dante comes bursting out of the pizza parlor carrying 8 pizzas followed by Miko and Kain. "Son of a bitch! Run!" Dante yells before taking off. "The hell? Watchu do?" Johnnie asks. "Kain refused to pay for the pizza! We're being chased by the cops!" Miko yells running after Dante. Kain stands there laughing before saying, "Vae Victus," "Oh shit. Like hell I'm going back to jail!" Johnnie says following Dante and Miko. Vincent just shrugs and follows as well. Kain walks after them in no hurry at all.

Running through Italy they receive many weird looks but if you saw some gender confused chick, some white haired dude in red carrying 8 pizzas, some white haired dude who looks like he's got a bad case of skin cancer, some black haired dud also in red with a gold claw for a hand, and some other guy covered in his own blood, come running by being chased by the cops what would you do? You'd give them a weird stare. And that's exactly what they get by every Italian person they run by, knock over, trip, and kill. Coming to a dead end they become cornered by the cops where Miko asks no one in particular, "Who's idea was it to follow Dante again?" receiving no answer. The cops give the group orders but to Miko, Kain, Vincent and Johnnie the cops are speaking complete gibberish. To Dante it's their life story. Miko makes the mistake of asking Dante what they're saying. "They either said 'Freeze! Or we'll shoot!' or something about being mauled by a giant pig," Dante responds. "Okay, we'll go with the first one," Miko says raising her arms. Kain, Vincent, and Johnnie follow suit. Dante raises the pizza refusing to let it go.

The cops advance wrestling Miko, Dante, Kain, Vincent, and Johnnie to the ground gaining 38 casualties in the process. The Italian Police learn that you do not get physical with Vincent, Kain, or Johnnie, you never take Dante's pizza and Miko can cuss in every language but Italian which of course does absolutely nothing. Finally being restrained and put into handcuffs the five tourists are taken to the nearest police station.

1:10 pm

"I've been framed! I don't know these people!" Johnnie yells behind a wall of bars. "..." Vincent says taking a step away from some big guy giving him weird and scary stares. Maybe he shouldn't look like such a girl. Or maybe that guy's spent too much time in jail. "You couldn't just pay for the pizza?!" Miko yells at Kain throwing up her hands in exasperation. "I pay for nothing!" Kain yells, crossing his arms and turning his back to Miko. "Where's my pizza!?!" Dante yells trying to bend the bars to get out. A cop comes in to tell them all to hush. After many threats of pain and suffering from Miko Dante proceeds to try and talk them out of the mess Kain got them into.

5

Minutes

Later

1:15 pm

"What did he say?" Miko asks Dante as the cop leaves the room. "He's giving us the death sentence and some old guy was recently mauled by a giant raccoon," Dante responds. "What!" Miko and Johnnie say in unison with Johnnie adding, "You son of a bitch," and Miko adding, "Ya fucking douche," "You are an idiot," Vincent adds. "I know! My Italian needs work! Besides, Miko made me do it," Dante responds. "Fuck. There's gotta be a fucken way out of here. If only I had Anagalishki then I could freeze the bars and get us out of here," Johnnie thinks out loud. "Can't you just pop us out of here?" Miko asks Kain. "Yea, but where to?" Kain responds. "Japan!" Dante blurts out. "Why Japan?" Kain asks. "Yea. Why Japan?" Miko echoes. Dante shrugs. "..." Vincent says, too dumbfounded by this whole situation to really say much of anything. "I can get a new katana in Japan and this one I can enchant with fire!" Johnnie says. "You stab me again and I'm gonna go devil mode and shank your ass like I do in DMC 4," Dante threatens. "Shut! UP!" Miko yells.

Everyone grows quiet except for Vincent who already rarely talks. "Good. Now Kain, get with the poofing," Miko orders. "You dare give me an order?" Kain says baring his fangs and growling. "Co-writer. Remember?" Miko responds. "...Okay, okay, poofing. Got it," Kain says fearing...something. Who knows what Miko can think of. "Don't forget the pizza!" Dante yells.

1:20 pm

Poofing out of the cell Kain grabs the pizza, poofs back in the cell and says, "Grab on to me...Hey! Keep it above the waist!" "Sorry...I tripped," Dante says. All eyes turn to him before Kain poofs them to Japan. The Italian cops come back to take the prisoners to the room where their execution would have taken place had they not fled only to be met with an empty cell. For the next 57 years they hunt all over Italy only to find out the odd tourists were never there to be found.

1:20.01 pm

In Japan

"Awesome! We're in Japan!" Miko yells ignoring the weird stares people are giving them considering the fact that they just popped out of nowhere. Wow. Dejavu. "Anyone speak Japanese?" Miko asks. "No," Johnnie responds. "No," Dante says. "No!" Kain yells to some kid that mistook him for a movie star and wanted his autograph. "...No," Vincent responds. "Let's just get Kain to read someone's mind and learn Japanese," Dante suggests around a mouthful of pizza. All eyes turn to him without him doing something perverted. "Holy shit," Kain says thoroughly amazed. "Where's the nearest place to buy a Katana?" Johnnie asks. "Wow," Miko says in response to Dante's intelligence. "...Should I be saying 'wow'?" Vincent asks. "Yeah..." Miko replies. "Uh...wow..." Vincent says poorly faking amazement. "That's... actually a pretty good idea, Dante," Miko compliments. "Thanks! But I'm not as dumb as I act, you know," Dante responds taking another bite of pizza. "Would you look at the irony. There's a man walking down an ally way by himself. I'll be right back," Kain says deviously, following said poor unsuspecting man. "I can't read the signs! How am I supposed to know which one sells swords!?" Johnnie yells, grabbing his head in frustration.

Vincent walks up beside him, points to a sign, and says, "That one is a ramen stand," "I thought you couldn't speak Japanese," Miko says. "Not fluently," Vincent responds. "I can read it but not speak it. My Japanese is about as good as that man's Italian," Vincent finishes nodding his head at Dante. "I. Know. My. Italian. Needs. Work! Okay?!" Dante yells, huffing. "Now what?" Vincent asks. "Now we wait for Kain," Miko responds.

1:40 pm

Kain returns shortly now speaking Japanese. "We'd better hurry. This won't last long," Kain warns. "Nearest sword stand. Now!" Johnnie orders in a rushed tone. Clearing his throat Kain relays Johnnie's message to the nearest innocent bystander only much more frighteningly, "~Nearest sword stand. Now!~" Said innocent person points and Johnnie takes off.

"Now what?" Dante asks. "I don't know," Kain responds. "..." Vincent says. "Hey! Let's get some ramen," Miko suggests. "And sushi!" Dante adds. "Sushi?" Kain asks. "Yeah! Then we could throw sushi at Japanese people!" Miko yells. "From the highest building!" Dante yells back taking a step towards Miko a smile breaking out on his face. Mirroring Dante's look and stepping closer to him Miko yells, "The Bank!" "Are we robbing something?" Johnnie asks, now in possession of a new Katana. Still nose to nose they yell simultaneously, "No! Sushi throwing!" throwing up their hands in unison. Johnnie opens his mouth to say something but suddenly cannot come up with anything. Alcohol. Shh. Don't tell anyone. "Poof us to the Bank!" Dante begs Kain getting down on his knees. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells appearing out of nowhere only to fly over the group and out of site. Staring for several more seconds in the direction Sephiroth left at the group continues what they were doing beforehand. "Yeah! Pleeeeaaaase!" Miko begs getting down on the ground with Dante. "Fine! Fine...just stop begging," Kain responds. "Yay!" Dante and Miko cheer jumping up and down. "How did I get caught up in this?" Vincent asks the heavens.

1:53 pm

Everyone gets popped by Kain onto the roof of the Bank. Gathering up the sushi everyone begins chucking it over the edge at innocent, unknowing, unwilling, and now sushi covered/dead pedestrians. Even Vincent joins in because throwing sushi at people is loads of fun for anyone of any age. Going dick mode Johnnie decides to throw a piece at the back of Miko's head when she's not looking ultimately pushing her over the edge......of insanity. At which point the Jester shows up and begins to sing, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt." but only Miko can see him. What? Ya'll thought we meant over the edge of the building? Ha! Miko's still alive. Don't like? Don't read. That means you, Leroy. Oh by the way...Johnnie fucks Susan. Eeewwwww. She's an ugly fat chick if you don't know but seeing as how she 'get's around' we find that extremely unlikely. Miko, in a fit of rage, shoves Johnnie off the building. As he falls she yells, "Statutory raping, couch fucking, chubby chasing, psychopathic douche!" For the next five minutes everyone's eyes shift from the edge of the building back to Miko's hunched, panting, disheveled form. If it wasn't for Miko looking so fucking scary at the moment Dante would have busted out laughing but instead he cowers behind Kain. Miko then suddenly hits the ground in a fit of laughter. Men with straight jackets show up but only stand in the background just incase. Kain walks up to her and pats her on the back saying, "Good girl," Dante breaks out a toothy grin saying, "Your asthma. Don't forget to breathe, Miko." "..." Vincent says. Miko suddenly looks up and asks, "Anyone got a cigarette?" "No," Kain says like everyone but Miko knows. "Don't smoke," Dante responds. "...No," Vincent replies. "I got one!" a straight jacket carrying guy says handing Miko a cigarette. "Got a lighter?" Miko asks next. "No," the guy says. Kain, Dante, and Vincent produce a lighter. Miko takes Dante's which is red. "Yay!" Dante^^ says. Looking over the edge Dante waves 'bye bye' at Johnnie's corpse but Kain doesn't think it's enough. Putting his arms innocently behind his back he begins to whistle gently kicking the Soul Reaver over the edge...of the building killing some guy. A Morman. Mormans don't got souls. Miko catches Kain in the act saying under her breath, "Fuck." before addressing Kain. Putting on that motherly glare she says, "Now why the fuck did you do that?" Vincent, also witnessing Kain's devious act, says, "This is definitely going to land us in jail." Dante, completely and totally oblivious, continues to peg people with sushi. Cops suddenly surround the Bank and Kain disappears. For the second time on their journey Miko, Dante, and Vincent are wrestled to the ground and hand cuffed but not with out a fight, they kick and scream and curse Kain and Vincent kills someone while Dante cries for his mommy.

1:71 pm a.k.a. 2:11 pm

10

Minutes

Later

In a jail cell somewhere; Miko sits twirling her thumbs, Vincent mopes in a corner (emo), and Dante demands a phone call to order pizza and then some pizza when the guard denies his request for a phone call and then Miko decides to act smart (that's a first) and says, "You can't deny us a phone call. It's our given right." The guard, unable to speak English, denies her request for a phone call. Where's the funny? Where's the Jester? Where's the spanking!?

Back to Waya and Miko's Crib

1:02.13 pm

Waya is playing Devil May Cry 4, Sephiroth is trying to play go fish by himself trying to play as Miko as well before breaking down and crying because he misses her, Raziel is planning his and Kain's trip to Disney World or Land, he's not sure yet, evenly balancing fun with chaos and slaughter, Vergil is trying to plan to conquer the world, and Leroy is asking for his autograph. Too distracted to play her game Way asks Sephiroth, "What the fuck is wrong with you now!?" Between sobs he responds, "I miss Miko!" Waya smack Sephiroth up side his head, "Shut up! I can't concentrate on playing my game!" she yells. "Can I please have you autograph?" Leroy once again begs Vergil. "I'll give you my autograph only if you leave me alone, okay?" Vergil tells him through clenched teeth. "Deal!" Leroy responds jumping up and down until his left titty smacks him in his eye. Scratching his autograph on a picture Waya drew of him Vergil quickly gathers his things in a hurry to leave the room because Leroy being smacked in the eye by his own titty is a very horrifying site. Clutching Vergil's autograph to his chest Leroy begins to sob either tears of happiness or obsession. Fag. When suddenly a spider lands on Leroy's shoulder causing him to scream like that fat dude from Accepted. His voice reaches such a high octave the windows shatter, Waya's cup full of Pepsi she was just about to take a sip of shatters, Vergil's glasses shatter, and said spider explodes. Wait, comedy? NO WAY! Yes way! "....COOOKIEEESSS!" Sephiroth yells out just before the kitchen EXPLODES!

Dropping her controller (finally) Waya runs to the kitchen where Sephiroth is throwing gasoline on the flames in an attempt to put them out as Leroy stands in the kitchen screaming. "By the way, someone left the oven on," Vergil says walking by. "It was you, wasn't it?" Raziel accuses Vergil's retreating form. "OH MY GOD!!! Everyone! Help me grab my video games!" Waya yells as Raziel dials 911. "Yes. There's been a fire. My...uh...friend's kitchen spontaneously combusted." Raziel says, explaining the situation. "Yes, that's right. I said 'spontaneously combusted'....Yes...Yes...Alright, thank you...Good bye." As Raziel hangs up the phone Waya, Sephiroth, and Leroy run out of the house, arms full of video games and consoles.

1:16 pm

Everyone stands outside in the front yard watching the house as flames consume it. "Fire truck's here!" Sephiroth yells. Apparently he's mastered the art of yelling out the obvious. "Duh," Waya responds. I've tried calling Miko but she's not answering," she informs the group. Sephiroth gasps before saying, "I hope Kain or someone hasn't killed her..." "Who cares?" Vergil mumbles. "Those poor, poor rats," Raziel says looking at the house all the while Leroy is comforting the video games saying, "It's okay now, babies." Sephiroth starts to feel useless so he flies over the house trying to blow out the fire but not being Superman it doesn't work so well so instead he grabs the water hose from the fire truck ad tries that. Becoming ADD he stops and starts eating cookies. The fire fighters proceed to put out the fire as Waya tries once again unsuccessfully call Miko so se lets Vergil leave a message that promises Miko lots of pain and suffering for not answering and making him leave a message. Vergil don't leave messages.

Once the fire's put out everyone begins the cleaning process with much whining from Sephiroth, "No!! Not the cookies!" "You'll get them back once the house is clean," Raziel tells him. "I miss Dante!" Leroy whines. "Shut. UP!" Vergil tells him. "What are we doing?" Waya asks everyone like they're doing something they obviously don't need to do. "Cleaning house," Raziel tells her. "Why, whenever I'm over here, do I clean house?" Leroy asks. "What if I just clap my hands and make the house clean?" Waya asks the group of maids. "Who are you calling a maid?" Vergil asks, grinding his teeth. Someone should tell him that's bad for his teeth. "You couldn't do that before we started cleaning?" Leroy asks dropping his broom. "Didn't think about it," Waya confesses.

Clapping her hands the house becomes clean. The walls repaint themselves, the carpets defray themselves, the furniture dechars itself, and the roof rebuilds itself, right before everyone's eyes. "Woooow..." Sephiroth breathes. "Holy shit! How'd you do that?!" Leroy asks. "Impressive," Vergil says with audible awe in his voice. "I must agree with him. I, too, am impressed," Raziel compliments, nodding his head in Vergil's direction. "Thank you," Waya absently mumbles. "I can't get a hold of Miko!" she then yells. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells happily as Raziel hands him back his cookies.

1:23 pm

Waya continues to pace back and forth redialing Miko's number repeatedly with Sephiroth lying on his stomach on the floor watching her. "Is Miko alright?" he finally asks. "She's fine, Sephiroth. Don't worry," she replies. "You should sit down, Waya. You are going to make yourself sick," Raziel tells her. "Thanks, Raziel. I appreciate the fake concern," she replies. "You're welcome," he tells her. "Your game's rigged!" Leroy yells pointing to the TV as, once again, Vergil creams him at Halo. "What can I say? I'm merely better than you," Vergil responds crossing his arms and leaning back on the couch as Waya places herself in between Raziel and Vergil. "Maybe we'll get lucky and this Kain person will kill Dante," Vergil mutters. "Hey! I heard that! Just because you're cool and evil; does not mean you can wish death upon people in my house! But you're welcome to in the front yard," Waya says pointing at Vergil. "Fair enough," Vergil responds. "He can wish death upon people in my house," Leroy adds popping in overlord. "Then when we go to your house he can," Waya tells Leroy.

"I wonder what they're doing..." Raziel wonders out loud (obviously) looking at the roof. All eyes look up as well. "...That's it. I'm ordering pizza," Once again dialing out on her phone. "I miss Miko," Sephiroth says dropping his eyes to the floor. "As do I," Raziel adds. "I don't," Leroy says. "Same here," Vergil agrees watching Leroy kill sheep to the sound of Mozart. "20 minutes," Waya says walking back into the living room. "Hmmm," Vergil responds. "Got it," Leroy says. "Ooooh. Pizza'll cheer me up!" Sephiroth says hopping up off the floor already in a better mood. "That's nice," Raziel says absentmindedly.

1:43 pm

Sephiroth, Waya, Vergil, and Leroy chow down on pizza as Raziel eats the pizza guy's soul and being up for the last day and night they crash. Around 1:47 pm Sephiroth disappears to check on everyone else because he couldn't sleep do to worry. When he returns he lets group A know that group 1 is alright, and group A has a new member, easing their minds except for Vergil, who doesn't care, allowing them to rest peacefully.

2:09 pm

Kain returns waking everyone up because it sounded like the stove spontaneously combusted again. Leroy wakes up yelling like that fat dude from Accepted, again, Vergil wakes up and immediately starts grabbing his things that are flammable, Raziel wakes up and starts gathering up the rats, Sephiroth wakes up yelling, Cookies!", and Waya wakes up yelling, "Grab the video games!" As everyone starts looking around for the fire all they see is Kain standing there with a puzzled expression so Waya asks him, "Where's everyone else?" "No! You killed them!" Sephiroth yells. "First of all Johnnie's the only one dead and second of all Miko killed him," Kain calmly explains. "What? Miko killed Johnnie?" Leroy asks as Waya bursts out laughing. "Why?" Raziel asks. "Was it bloody?" Vergil asks. "What took so long?" Leroy asks. "Yay! Miko's okay!" Sephiroth yells. "She's finally evil!" Waya yells. "Johnnie threw a piece of sushi at her. When he eventually hit the ground it was. It was a long fall from the top of the bank," Kain says answering their questions in order. "No. I meant what took her so long to kill him," Leroy corrects Kain. "Oh. Well he was annoying her the entire trip and she finally snapped, shoving him off the edge of the Bank, splattering him all over the sidewalk. Quite entertaining if I may say so myself," Kain explains adding a comment of his own. "Did she mean to push him off the edge? I mean did she say anything?" Waya asks. "Yes, actually. If I remember correctly she said, 'statutory raping, couch fucking, chubby chasing, psychopathic douche'. Apparently he was psychotic, fucked couches, and liked little fat girls," Kain explains.

At the mention of couch fucking Vergil removes himself from the couch and sits on the floor. "Oh. And by the way...not sure if you should know or not but Miko and Dante had lots of sex with lots of foreign chicks.......together....I think 12 Italian and 8 Japanese chicks...Yeah...that's about it," Kain informs. "No! He defiled her!" Sephiroth yells. "They were drunk," Kain tells him. "No! He took advantage of her!" Sephiroth then yells. "Actually she was in the lead most of the time. Dante just tagged along," Kain informs him. "No! He -huh...Really?" Sephiroth asks. Waya drops her controller for the second time that day. "Goddamn! Jackrabbit much?" Leroy says. "Eww. And she went back for more?....Gross," Vergil mutters.

"So? Where are they?" Waya asks. "In jail," Kain says nonchalant. "Why?!" Waya yells. "Well...after Miko killed Johnnie the...uh...Soul Reaver...sort of...hm...propelled itself off the roof?......Killing someone," Kain explains trying, but failing, to look innocent. "It was you, wasn't it?" Raziel accuses. "No!" Kain yells getting defensive. "You lie like a dog with aids," Waya says. "But she's okay, right?" Sephiroth asks. "Yeah, except for the fact that she's pregnant," Kain responds. "What!!!?!!!" everyone yells. "Just kidding," Kain says with a chuckle. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. "Or am I?" Kain asks before leaving the room with everyone looking shocked. "Not funny!" Waya yells.

In Japan

2:13 pm

"Okay, I got it!" Dante says a light bulb appearing above his head. "What?" Miko asks flicking the light bulb causing it to crash to the floor. Pausing to look at the light bulb Dante responds, "You can fly, right?" asking Vincent. "Yes, that is correct," Vincent responds. "Great! I'll just transform into a demon while you can transform into...uh...whatever you transform into, break down the wall, and piggy back Miko back to the U.S.!" Dante explains holding out his arms. "Good idea," Miko says. "Then let's go," Vincent replies. Dante transforms into a demon and Vincent into Chaos. Climbing on his back Miko braces her self as Dante grabs the pizza. "You ready?" he asks her. "Yep," she replies as Vincent breaks down the only wall that just happens to be pointing out to the ocean making their escape that much easier. Grumbling at Miko's weight Dante takes off.

In The U.S.

4:48 pm

Dante, Miko, and Vincent arrive at 8 Darlene Pl. exhausted (except for Miko) and pissed, and I do mean pissed, at Kain. Miko's head is steaming she's so pissed. Punching Dante in the face for laughing at her steaming head behind her back her anger dissipates enough to where she stops steaming. Dante and Miko begin to laugh because Miko just punched him as Vincent watches convinced they're both insane. "Alright, let's go inside," Miko suggests. The trio enter the domain. Upon entering the house all eyes turn to them as Vergil yells, "How could you sleep with Dante!?" pointing to Miko followed by Waya yelling, "You goddamn 80 year old pedophile! Oh by the way put a shirt on!" brandishing a baseball bat at Dante. "Why? And I'm not a pedophile. Miko's 25," Dante responds backing away from Waya as Miko demands from Kain, "Why did you tell them!?" "I didn't know it was a secret," Kain responds holding up his hands. "No she's not," Leroy says massacring more sheep. "Says who?!" Waya demands from Dante. Dante just looks at Miko asking, "Soooo.....how old are you?" "Uhhh...." Clapping her hands Miko says, "I'm 18." Then suddenly she gains 10 lbs, loses 20, gains 5 more, loses 30 more and grows 4 inches in a matter of seconds.

Everyone stares. "So...Now that you're eighteen..." Dante says to Miko letting the rest of his sentence hang. "Sorry, Dante. I'm gay," Miko responds. "What?" Dante exclaims looking shocked. "Then what the hell was that in Italy and Japan?!" he asks. "I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing happened in Italy or Japan," Miko tells everyone trying to make it look like she's only telling Dante. "But you just asked Kain Why he told!" Dante argues. "Just admit it, Miko, so I can hit him with a baseball bat! Or if you have to, lie so I can hit him with a baseball bat!" Waya tells Miko. "I agree," Vergil says. "I'd actually pay to see that," he finishes. "Oh shut-up, Waya. He's had enough beatings for today. I already punched him in his face," Miko explains. "Yeah! Bitch punched me," Dante says. "Don't call me a bitch," Miko orders. "Yes ma'am. I'm sorry," he responds. "Ha ha. I made him my bitch," she gloats. "He wouldn't be acting that way if you hadn't of had sex with him so now I know you did," Waya accuses pointing at Miko. "By the way, not wise to tell me to shut-up while I'm holding a baseball bat," Waya tells Miko waving the bat back and forth. "Well this was unexpected," Raziel says about the whole situation. "Not really," Vergil replies from the floor. "Die sheep!" Leroy yells massacring more sheep. "..." Vincent says taking another step away from Miko and Dante. "Who cares? Let Miko do what ever the hell she wants. I don't really care," Kain says not really caring. "Well obviously you don't," Raziel says to him. "Thank you," Miko mouths to Kain. "Did I hear Miko's back?" Sephiroth asks peeking his head around a corner. "Cookies!" he yells as he spots Miko hug tackling her. "Hi, Sephy!" she says. "Yay! Cookies!" Sephiroth responds.

Dropping the subject because no one really cares, all though Vergil does pay Waya and she does try to hit Dante with a baseball bat, everyone goes back to what they were doing after Vincent is introduced. Killing Johnnie and gaining Vincent everyone believes it was a fair trade except for Kain who doesn't give a shit and Vergil who could care less.

******************************************************************************************

Waya: My brother, Johnnie, actually helped me write the part where he doesn't constantly drool...well some of it. Personally I don't find it funny but ya'll might. That and I know for a fact Dante could whoop his ass with both his hands tied and a toothpick. Vergil doesn't even need the toothpick and Kain doesn't even need arms. And yes Leroy does have arachnophobia. If he was Spider-Man he'd be afraid of himself. And yes at the font changing part me and the co-writer had a small spat. This one was actually supposed to be about us visiting a freak show but things kinda got out of hand and we never made it to the freak show but we will next chapter! Or will we? Who knows...

Sephiroth: I know!

Waya: Of course you do

Vergil: Oh god...chapter three is when you're going to introduce that Alan guy

Dante: Why's he wearing a dress?

Miko: Because it's funny

Raziel: That's not funny...that's just scary

Kain: Scares the evil out of me... and that's hard to do

Vincent:...Who?

Leroy: Don't ask just consider yourself lucky

Sephiroth: Cookies! ^^

Dante: Pizza! ^^

Miko: Bitches! ^^

Waya: That's enough!

Kain: Blood! ^^

Raziel: Souls! ^^

Waya: The hell!

Vergil: ...Clueless

Vincent: The same

Chaos: Mayhem and Destruction! ^^

Kain: ......I like him

Vergil: Same here

Vincent: Can I please go?

Miko: No! Mwahahahahaha!

Kain: I knew she was evil...

Vergil: Makes me jealous...

Kain: Yeah...

Waya: Well we're gonna go before everyone starts breaking shit and killing people. Till chapter three! The LoEI visit a freak show! The chapter that actually involves a freak show.

Miko and Sephiroth: Yay for cookies!

Dante and Leroy: Yay for-

Dante: Me!

Leroy: Dante!

Waya: Yay for video games! Till next time!

Everyone: BYE!!

Kain: Still don't care

Vergil: Still whatever

Johnnie: ::dead::

Miko: Still happy. JOHNNIE WAS A DOUCHE!!! .........and now he's a dead douche... YAY!!! But he's still a douche. Haha.

Waya: Okay, shut up Miko.


	4. Short Authoress' Note

Nero: Waya did say it was short


	5. The LoEI Vist a Freak Show

Chapter 3 Page 10

Authoress' Comments

Waya: Here we go! Here's Chapter three! And Sephiroth was right; we do make it to the Freak Show! So if you wanna read about our next wacky, crazy, and just plain insane, adventure then read on! If not then don't because...

Kain: I don't care

Raziel: You never care about anything

Kain: I care about killing people

Vincent: I honestly don't think that counts

Vergil: I thought it did

Dante: Keep talking! The longer we talk the longer we have to not have to look at Alan!

Waya: Yeah and the longer you have to not look at Nero

Dante: ::gasps:: Everyone stop talking!!! On with the story!!! NOW!!!

Leroy: Maybe I can get his autograph, too

Sephiroth: Maybe I can get some brain cells?

Narrator: Am I still in this one?

Waya: Yep, or you wouldn't be here but we are getting rid of Leroy and Alan in the next chapter...sorry guys

Everyone but Kain: Yes!!

Kain: Don't care

Raziel: If you were paying attention you would

Kain: Maybe...Maybe not

Vergil: Probably not

Raziel: Let's see shall we? Waya is getting rid of Alan in the next chapter

Kain: Really? Awesome!

Vergil: Wow...

Dante: I wanna look at Nero!! ::whines::

Waya: Well here ya go! And don't forget to welcome Alan and Nero!

Miko: ::moved away::

Waya: Disclameeeeeerrrrrr!!! Kain and Raziel to Eidos, Vergil, Dante, and Nero to Capcom and Vincent, Sephiroth, and the voice of Chaos to Square Enix aaand anyone else I don't own to the people who own them

******************************************************************************************

Chapter Three

The League of Extraordinary Idiots visit a Freak Show

(This can't end well)

Characters

*Waya (is awesome)

*Miko (killed Johnnie and damn proud)

*Leroy (now wants Nero's autograph)

*Alan (is in a dress)

*Narrator (is not really important)

*Kain (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Raziel (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)**  
**

*Vergil (Devil May Cry 3)

*Dante (Devil May Cry 3)

*Nero (Devil May Cry 4)

*Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

*Vincent (Final Fantasy VII)

*Chaos (Vincent's mind)

Zombie X-men

Officer Crawford

Cops

Jill Valentine (of no relation...to Vincent)

Circus Performers

Innocent Bystanders

Little Boy with a Balloon

Demon Clown

Nero's Talking Demon Lions

Brain Surgeons

Red Cross People

Mormans

Leroy's Dark Side

Leroy's Pansy Side

Susan (a slutty bitch)

Brenda (an evil, slutty, bitchy, crack head)

6:00 pm

"I know! Freak show's in town! Who wants to go?" the Narrator asks the LoEI. "Oh oh oh! Me! I do! I do!" Sephiroth says jumping up and down with his hand in the air. "Why not?" Waya asks. "Whatever..." Vincent says. "I agree with Vincent. Whatever..." Vergil says. "Sounds interesting..." Raziel says. "Only if they got pizza," Dante says. "I'm going if Dante goes," Leroy says. "Whatever..." Kain says not really paying attention. "Ahahahahah...cool," Miko says receiving several weird stares. "It's settled then! Let's go!" the Narrator says. "Wait...what? Where are we going?" Kain asks looking up from the map he was trying to memorize. "You never pay attention, do you?" Raziel asks Kain. "Nope," Kain replies. "We're going to a freak show," Raziel tells him. "Whatever..." Kain responds not really paying attention.

"Awesome!" Dante yells. "How are we getting there? Your car is not big enough, Waya," Raziel informs Waya. "I guess that means I can stay, right?" Vergil asks with a pleading voice. "No!" Waya tells him for the hundredth time. "Damn!" Vergil mutters walking away. "I guess I'll try and rent a car," Waya says once again on her phone. Raziel enters the kitchen with Waya. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells from the kitchen. "Vergil's gone missing and Leroy has Dante tied up in your broom closet," Raziel informs. "God damn it! Alright, forget Vergil, he'll come back. And don't bother with...wait...WHAT?!" Waya yells at him. "..." Raziel responds not wanting to repeat himself as Waya doesn't want to hear again so instead she walks back into the living room to let everyone know, "I can't get a rental, not this late anyway." "Then we can't go," Vincent concludes. "Awww," Sephiroth whines. "Don't care," Kain says. "That sux but we've got enough for a Freak Show here so I guess its okay," Miko says. "But I really wanted to go!" Sephiroth whines grabbing a hold of Miko's hand.

6:23 pm

After much whining from Sephiroth about not being able to go Vergil returns as Dante escapes the closet. Embarrassed he tells no one about Leroy tying him up. Eww...kinky...but eww...Though he'll never admit it Dante was embarrassed not because it happened but because he liked it. So Miko's idea. "Vergil's back!!" Sephiroth yells, forgetting about his dilemma, right in Dante's ear. "Gah!" Dante yells covering his ear. Vergil enters the house and just stands at the front door looking very uncomfortable. "...Okay, Verg. What's up?" Waya asks already suspecting something. "Do I need to get the bat?" she then asks. "Yeah...you're acting weird...er," Dante tells him. "Hey Dante?" Miko addresses him. "Where'd you put the pizza?" she asks. "What?" Dante responds rubbing his ear. "...I said 'Where did you put the pizza?'" she asks again. "What?!" Dante replies pissing Miko off. "Where is the pizza!!?" she yells. "Ahhh! In the kitchen!" he yells back covering his other ear. Grumbling he walks away.

"Did you bring someone with you?" Raziel asks Vergil for the third time, this time not being interrupted by someone yelling. "Actually, yes..." he replies. "Who?" Waya asks using a tone of voice a mother would use trying to get information from a disobedient child. "Umm..." Vergil hesitates. "Is it edible?" Kain asks. "Mmm...no," Vergil responds. As everyone gives him a blank stare Miko asks, "So who is it?"

Getting bored Vincent decides to go see who it is for himself. After hesitating Vergil moves from his path only for Vincent to return seconds later collapsing five steps into the house, face planting the floor. "Is he okay?" Sephiroth asks. "I think he fainted," Raziel tells Sephiroth. Waya turns pale...er. "What the hell do you have out there, Vergil?" Miko asks him. "Sooomethiiing..." Vergil replies. "What's going on?" Dante asks walking into the living room eating pizza with Leroy following him with a roll of rope. Bondaaage... "Didn't I tell you to put a shirt on?" Waya asks Dante as he enters. Dante just shrugs.

"Alright...I'll tell you...but don't say I didn't warn you," Vergil says with a sigh, effectively warning them. "Wow! It must be ugly," Dante says trying to ignore Leroy with the roll of rope but is finding it increasingly hard. (He wants to go back in the closet)... "Can't be any worse than Miko's face," Leroy responds hiding the rope behind his back. Kain snickers. Miko kicks him in his shin. Not wanting to be punched again Dante stays quiet. "Alright, Verg...Out with it," Waya tells him. "Oookay..." Taking a deep breath Vergil begins, "I was looking for an area to re-erect my Tower-" "That's so wrong," Dante interrupts him. Leroy, Miko, and Waya snicker. "Don't care," Kain says. "You should really pay attention," Raziel tells him. "Shut-up!" Vergil tells Dante hitting him up side the head before continuing, "-when she pulled over asking if I needed a ride," Vergil explains ruffling his hair, pacing back and forth with a worried look on his face. "Oh...my... god...please tell me you said 'no'," Waya pleads. Dante, Leroy, and, Miko snicker some more. "Of course!" Vergil says throwing her a glare. "Thank the gods," Raziel breathes. "Don't care," Kain responds. Vincent twitches. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells as he comes running by. Shaking his head and muttering, 'Idiot...' as everyone just watches Sephiroth Vergil continues, "I was going to ignore...her?...but then she asked me if I knew you-" Vergil gestures to Waya, "-Miko, and Leroy..." "And you brought her here..." Waya says like it was the dumbest thing in the world, glancing at Vincent. "I might be evil but I'm not going to lie," Vergil responds defensively, crossing his arms.

"Cookies!" Sephiroth yells as he comes running by again, this time holding a box of cookies. "Well...bring her in..." Waya says reluctantly while biting her lip as she glances between Vincent and the front door. Vergil pokes his head out the front door saying something to what everyone believes is someone and not something. That is when Alan enters the house...looking like the ugliest chick in the world...he almost beats Susan but she doesn't look like the ugliest chick in the world she is the ugliest chick in the world. Dante lets out a high pitched scream almost beating Leroy before collapsing. It would have been funny too, if Alan wasn't in a dress standing in the living room. "What. The. Fuck?!?! Alan?! And all of you didn't want to go! We should've walked! Vergil! You do not bring people home with you anymore!" Waya yells pointing at Vergil. "She said she knew you!" Vergil responds, slightly raising his voice as he defends himself. "I don't care! You do not bring things like that home!!" Waya yells pointing at Alan. During Waya and Vergil's 'who can yell louder' contest, which Waya wins, Miko whispers, "Holy shit! Alan!? Eeewww!!!"

Waking up, Vincent rubs his head. Eyes landing on Alan he yells, yes that's right, his voice does reach a higher octave than normal, "Holy shit! That's a man?! The fuck! That's fucking gross! The Fuck!! Oh my God!!!" before banging his head on a wall, knocking himself out. "Why does he have it easy?" Miko grumbles as Kain says, "Is that a dude? What in the fucking name of the Gods!!? I want to go to Disney Land! They don't have shit like this there!" pointing at Alan. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells, walking into the living room only to pause mid step and mid chew, cheeks full of cookies. Miko swears if you looked closely enough you could have seen something clicked together. Swallowing his cookies Sephiroth whispers, "Oh my god... Why? Why did I have to go and grow brain cells now? Why at this particular moment?" dropping his head and walking away. "My god. I am going to need so much therapy after this..." Raziel says as he covers his zombie rat's eyes.

After hearing all of the insults and being unaware of Alan being in the house Leroy comes into the living room from the kitchen saying, "I can't help it if I have boobs!" until he spots Alan and says, "... The Fuck! Oh my god! Alan?!" before taking his hand and forcing his head away, walking off in a disturbed stupor. You ever seen something so hideous and so disgusting you just couldn't look away? Yeah... Susan! Shhh... Vergil takes one look at Alan and comes to a decisive conclusion and says, "That...thing... is a man? I should really consider investing in another pair of glasses." "If you though that was a girl then, yeah, you should," The Narrator tells him. Vergil shoots a death glare at Leroy, who his standing by the kitchen drooling, before walking away dragging an unconscious Dante with him. "Come along brother," "Uhhh...." Dante somewhat responds.

7:14 pm

After the introductions, many more stares, more people passing out, and many more 'OMG!'s and "WTF!'s Alan says, "You guys always knew I was gay. Why do you think I never denied the gay jokes?" "Because you couldn't think of a better insult," Waya says. "Uh...yeah, that," Leroy adds. Stare.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................o.O..............................................................................'wtf?'......................................................................................O.o........................................................................................'omg...'.............................................................................................................................................................................................. "Aaawkwaaard," Sephiroth says as the group continues to stare at Alan. "Aaaanyway, are we going to the Freak Show or not? It's not gonna be in town forever," the Narrator reminds the LoEI hoping to relieve the awkward moment. "Oh! Oh! Oh! Let's go! Let's go! Can we? Can we? Can we? Pleeeaaase?" Sephiroth whines jumping up and down. "Uhhh, hey Alan, wanna go to the freak show?" Miko asks deviously, already plotting something. "As long as we get Alan out of my house" Waya says. "Yes!" Sephiroth cheers. "We could put Alan in the freak show!" Leroy says. "Just keep him away from me," Vergil warns. "I wish I didn't care..." Kain says. "I wish I could die..." Raziel says. Vincent twitches. "I still don't know how we're gonna get there. It's passed 5 and I can't get a rental this late," Waya says. "Awww...." Sephiroth replies. 'YES!!' Chaos cheers from inside Vincent's head as Vincent silently cheers with him. "It's alright, we can always take my car," Alan suggests. 'NO!!!' Chaos screams as Vincent silently sobs. "Yay!" Sephiroth cheers. "Oookay, everyone get ready. You have five minutes," Waya says as everyone begins to get ready.

7:20 pm

Leroy stops drooling, Dante wakes up, Raziel feeds his rats, Vincent tries a last minute attempt to stay but fails, Kain stops caring, Miko gouges out her eyes, Vergil heals her, much to her distaste, Waya makes sure everyone is ready, Alan does his makeup, Sephiroth stuffs his pockets full of cookies, Miko turns Vincent's cape into an inter-dimensional wormhole to make it easier for Sephiroth and they both stuff his cape full of cookies, cigarettes, soda, candy, chips, lighters, and for some reason or another, a giant chicken, and the Narrator drinks some tea with honey, how he manages that with no hands no one knows, and they all hop into Alan's mini-van. "Who's driving?" Dante asks receiving several blank stares as a response. "I ain't driving. His license plate says 'World's 2cnd greatest gay person'," Leroy says. "I've got it," Vergil says climbing out and heading to the back of the van. "What's he doing?" Miko asks. "I dunno," Waya replies. "I call shotgun!" Dante yells as he climbs into the passenger seat. "What makes you think you get shotgun?" Waya asks him. "Because I'll fight you for it, there's no way in hell I'm sitting by him," Dante responds pointing to Alan as everyone leans away. "Awww... what's the matter, sugar? I don't bite," Alan tells Dante coyly. "......Yeah...I'll fight you for it," Dante says to Waya. "Fine, move over," Waya says to Dante as Dante scoots over. "I don't wanna to sit by him!" Miko says. "You can always sit in one of our laps," Dante tells her. "Yeah right," Miko replies giving Dante a 'you perv' look. "Hell, I'll let Kain sit in my lap because that's just... yeah..." Dante responds looking at Alan. "Really? Move over," Kain says to Dante as he, too, climbs up front. "Alright... move over," Miko says giving in and climbing up front as Sephiroth follows. "Um... no," Vincent says as him and Raziel follow. "Don't leave me..." Leroy says in a squeaky voice following Vincent and Raziel.

Looking at the license plate Vergil feels a great sense of justice. Alan's license plate did say 'World's 2cnd greatest gay person', Miko having declared herself the greatest, how the hell Alan managed to fit all of that on his license plate is anyone's guess, but now, thanks to Vergil, it says, 'World's cruelest person', having crossed out '2cnd' and 'gay' and replacing 'greatest' with 'cruelest'. With a job well done Vergil heads back around the car to the driver's side. "What the hell?!" he asks as he opens the door to see Dante, Waya, Kain, Miko, Sephiroth, Vincent, Leroy, and Raziel sitting up front. "No one wants to sit in the back," Raziel says pointing over his shoulder. "Well all of you can't sit up here," Vergil tells them. "Like hell we can't! I ain't sitting in the back and I'm sorry but I'm not forcing anyone to sit back there either," Waya says. "......What. Ever," Vergil replies climbing in the driver's seat. "You know, Vergil? I didn't know you have a license," Waya says to him. "What's a license?" Vergil asks as he starts the van and puts it in drive. "Ooooh shizzafizzle," Miko says. "What?" Waya asks her as she receives weird stares from everybody. Miko just shrugs saying, "Idk." "What?" Vergil asks looking at Miko. "It's short for 'I don't know'. People usually use the abbreviation while texting," Raziel explains. "Oh," Vergil replies being a bit behind the times. "Watch out!" Vincent yells pointing out the window. "Keep your eyes on the road, Vergil!" Waya yells. "This could end badly..." Leroy mumbles.

Returning his eyes to the road Vergil, even though he sees her, runs over a poor old fat lady. "Oooh, pretty," Sephiroth says as Vergil turns on the wind shield wipers. "The hell?!" Waya says as Miko snickers while Kain says, "Do it again!" "Ten points!" Dante yells. "Even though killing people is wrong I'd have to agree with Kain; Do it again!" Waya says. "There's a hippy right there!" Raziel says pointing to some hippy walking along the sidewalk smoking a joint. Vergil veers off the road and onto the sidewalk creaming said hippy just as blue and red lights start to flash. "Uh oh..." Miko mumbles. "... I don't know you people..." Vincent says. "Hit them too!" Dante tells Vergil who slows down for the cops. "Aww..." Sephiroth whines. "Why are you slowing down?" Kain asks Vergil who just shrugs. The cop comes up to the driver's window as Vergil rolls it down. "Did you know you were speeding? And you ran over a hippy on a sidewalk," the cop says. "Did I now?" Vergil asks in a voice that says he already knows. "Can you please step out of the car?" the cop asks and Vergil gets out of the car. "Thank you. Now I'm going to have to ask you to turn around and place your hands on the car," the cop then tells him. "Watch out, Vergil! He's got bondage!" Dante yells. "We'll save you!" Raziel yells climbing out of the car. "What the hell is that thing?!" the cop asks as Raziel reveals himself. "Well that was mean," Raziel mumbles. "No killing cops! Pedestrians are fine but no killing cops!" Waya yells. "Yeah! We'd be in soooo much trouble," Miko adds. "Fine..." Vergil says putting Yamato away. "I got it," Kain says using his mind controlling powers to make the cop forget everything and leave.

Vergil gets pulled over 7 more times for speeding, 1 more time for hitting a Morman, and 4 times for having Alan hanging out a window yelling, "Yoohooo!" at teenage boys and scaring the shit out of them, one had a heart attack, before they finally reach the Freak Show. "Where's the break?" Vergil asks. "That's the emergency break but the break you want is right there," Waya tells him pointing to the pedal in the middle. "I'd have to say this is an emergency," Vergil replies just barely missing a pole and yanking the emergency break. "Whoa!" everyone yells as they are jerked back and forth. "There, we're parked," Vergil says once the van stops moving, taking up three parking spaces. "Come on! Let's go get tickets before they close!" Miko yells over her shoulder as her, Sephiroth, and Dante head for the ticket booth.

"10 please," Miko tells the ticket booth watcher guy as Sephiroth hands him the money and they receive the tickets. "Enjoy your stay!" he says to the LoEI. "And nice costumes," he adds to Kain and Raziel. "Thank you?" Raziel responds as Kain says, "Don't care." "Wow..." Sephiroth breathes looking around. "Does that woman have a beard?" Vergil whispers to Dante. "Holy shit..." Dante whispers back as they both watch her walk by. "Me and Raziel are going on the Ferris Wheel!" Waya tells the group grabbing Raziel and heading for the Ferris Wheel. "Hey Sephy, you wanna go to the Hall of Mirrors?" Miko asks Sephiroth. "Sure!" he replies. "Mind if I tag along?" Alan asks. "I guess not..." Miko says unsure...ly? I don't think that is a word. She was unsure when she said it, okay? Anyway.... "I'm gonna go grab some pizza," Dante says heading to the Pizza Parlor. "Wait for me!" Leroy yells following him. "......I'm going to go and let the tigers loose," Vincent says walking off. "..." Kain says. "..." Vergil replies. "Wanna go on a killing spree with me?" Kain asks. "Why not? I have nothing better to do," Vergil replies as Kain slaughters some couple walking by while Vergil massacres a family looking at the bearded Lady. Said bearded Lady screams and Kain and Vergil kill her before heading further into the Freak Show.

Dante and Leroy

8:10 pm

"Whooo!" Dante yells throwing his hands in the air as another plate of pizza is lain in front of him. "Awesome!" Leroy says as he also gets another plate. "You wanna see a nifty trick?" Dante asks Leroy around a mouthful of pizza. "Sure. What is it?" Leroy asks as Dante swallows his pizza replying, "Don't know, really. Vergil showed me it." "Let's see it," Leroy says. "Alright," Dante replies grabbing a napkin. Taking his sword Dante cuts his hand open. "You have to cut yourself?" Leroy asks. "Vergil did show it to me," Dante replies. "Good-" Leroy begins stopping to look around for Kain before continuing, "Good point." "Okay... so basically I'm supposed-" "Is not!" Kain yells from somewhere. Dante and Leroy look around but Kain's nowhere to be seen. "Aaanyway, I'm supposed to use my blood and draw this symbol... uh... somewhere, he didn't go into detail about where, and then something's supposed to happen," Dante explains drawing the symbol. "What happens?" Leroy asks. "Don't know. Never done this before," Dante answers finishing the symbol. Both of them lean closer to the napkin and watch. "Nothing's happening," Leroy says. "Maybe I did it wrong... or maybe Vergil lied to me," Dante replies glaring. Just then Leroy is hit with a beam of light. "Oh shit! You okay!" Dante asks him as he falls to the ground.

As the dust settles Dante is confronted with the sight of Leroy... 3 of him. One dressed in white, one dressed in black, and one dressed in... the clothes he wore to the Freak Show: blue jeans and a t-shirt. A little boy runs by laughing happily causing the Leroy dressed in white to scream like a girl and run away while the Leroy dressed in black steals Dante's sword and chases after the boy who is now screaming in terror. Leroy and Dante look at each other before looking back at Leroy's pansy and evil twins. "You get the pansy one and I get the evil one?" Dante asks. "Deal," Leroy says and they both chase after Leroy's doubles.

Miko, Sephiroth, and Alan

8:10 pm

"Look at all of these mirrors!" Sephiroth says as he stands in front of a mirror that makes him look like a twig. "Does this one make me look fat?" Alan asks standing in front of a mirror that makes him look fat. Miko and Sephiroth just snicker. As Miko turns around there standing in another mirror is Alan causing her to vomit on the floor. "Miko!" Sephiroth says as he rubs her back. "I think I'm done looking at Alan," Miko says as Sephiroth leads her hunched form away. An innocent, fat, cotton candy eating, girl (Susan!) comes walking in only to trip in Miko's vomit falling and cracking her skull on Alan's stiletto heel just as he poses and bends his knee. Looking down at the girl's brain scattered on his heel he says, "Oh darn it. I just had these cleaned." Miko and Sephiroth proceed to try and exit the hall of mirrors but only end up getting separated from Alan, which they cheer about, and lost, which they don't cheer about.

"Hey! There's Leroy!" Miko says pointing to Leroy who looks over. "Whatcha doin' with Dante's sword?" Sephiroth asks him. "Nothing," he replies trying, and failing, to hide it behind his back. "You know how to get out of here?" Miko asks him. "Uh... yeah... the exit's thata way," he replies pointing to a giant sign that says 'EXIT' hanging above their heads. "I knew that..." Miko says as she and Sephiroth head to the exit while Leroy kills a bunch of Brain Surgeons taking the day off. "Miko! Sephiroth!' Dante yells to them running up just as they exit the hall of Mirrors. "What's up?" Sephiroth asks him as Miko vomits again. "Uh... she okay?" Dante asks loosing his train of thought. "I hope so," Sephiroth answers rubbing Miko's back. Dante furiously shakes his head before saying, "Anyway, have you seen Leroy?" "Yeah, he was in the hall of mirrors," Miko replies straitening up. "Thanks!" Dante says heading into the hall of mirrors. "Dante, wait!" Miko calls out to him. "Yeah?" he replies stopping. "What was Leroy doing with your sword?" Miko asks him. "He stole it. Look, I'll explain later but right now I have to catch him!" Dante replies entering the Hall of Mirrors. "Let's go find Waya, she'll know what to do," Miko tells Sephiroth and they begin to hunt for Waya.

Waya and Raziel

8:10 pm

"Whoooo!" Waya yells throwing her hands in the air as the Ferris Wheel begins to climb. "How many people need to get on?" Raziel asks sitting beside her and leaning over the edge. "I dunno," Waya replies also leaning over the edge. "But I agree: I'm bored!" she yells. "Ah, there we go. We're moving now," Raziel says as the Ferris Wheel begins to spin. "Whoooo!" Waya and Raziel yell as they begin to move faster. Around and around they go faster and faster. "I... think... I'm... going... to... be... sick!" Waya says to Raziel. "Wait... until... we... stop!" Raziel says back. "I... dunno... if... I... can... make... it!" Waya replies. "You... better!" Raziel tells her. Around and around they go slower and slower. "We're stopping!" Raziel says to Waya. "Good!" Waya answers back.

Once the Ferris Wheel stops both Waya and Raziel hurry off before vomiting near by, how Raziel vomits who knows but he does. "Hmm... I thought Leroy only screamed like that when he saw spiders not stuffed bears," Waya says walking away from Raziel. "Where are you going?" Raziel asks her falling in step beside her. "To see Leroy," Waya replies. "Hey," she says to Leroy receiving a high pitched scream as a response. "What the hell's wrong with you!?" Waya asks him covering her ear. "Oh! You startled me!" Leroy replies. "Riiight," Waya mumbles. "Was he wearing all white when we first got here?" Raziel asks Waya who looks at him before looking back at Leroy. "Where'd you get the wardrobe change?" Waya asks him. "I'm not sure," he replies as a little boy with a balloon comes running by scaring him and causing him to take off running. "Waya! Raziel! Did you see me come running by screaming like a girl!?" Leroy asks Waya and Raziel as he comes running up to them. Waya and Raziel look at the direction Leroy just ran in back to Leroy standing in front of them back to the direction he ran in back to him standing in front of them before Waya asks, "What did you do?" "Um... not sure but I have to catch him! Which way did he go?" Leroy replies. "That way," Raziel answers pointing to the Merry go Round. "Thanks!" Leroy tells them running off.

Kain and Vergil

8:10 pm

"That's it here, let's move on," Kain says to Vergil putting his sword back as the ground is littered with corpses. "Hang on. Some Mormans just got here," Vergil tells him summoning Yamato. "I love Mormans," Kain says with a smile... an evil smile... like that one he gave Moebutt. Hehe... 'Moebutt'. Well we all know what they're doing so continuing oooon.

Vincent and ?

8:10 pm

Walking up to the gate full of lions Vincent shoots the lock off and opens the door. The lions do nothing. "I'm not coming in there; I'm not stupid," Vincent says to them unaware they can... "Aw, come on. Humor us," talk. "...o.O..." "Not even one step?" a lion asks him. "..." "I think he's speechless," a lion says mockingly. Vincent deadpans. "I'm guessing... demons?" Vincent asks them. "So he can talk," what sounds like a female lion says. "It looks like it," a male lion replies. "Hey! Whatchu doin' with my lions!" a man with white hair yells to Vincent as he comes walking over. "Letting them out..." Vincent replies matter-of-factly. "Oh... What ever," said guy replies. "Are we up, Nero?" a lion asks. "Just about," Nero replies hooking a chain on a lion. "I don't see why we have to wear these," a lion says lifting the chain with her paw and examining it. "So you don't freak out the tourists," Nero replies. "Whoa..." Dante says running by only to slow down and stop to stare at Nero's ass as he bends over to put a chain on a lion. "You're drooling..." Vincent tells him. "What? Oh! Hey have you seen Leroy come running by? Possibly evil looking?" Dante asks him. "If you mean some fat black guy, then yeah, he went that way!" Nero tells Dante pointing to the popcorn stand.

"Well hellooo there..." Dante says to Nero getting a really perverted look. Nero just stands still thinking, 'Maybe if I don't move he won't notice me... Dammit! I should've kept my mouth shut!' As Dante leans towards Nero, Nero leans back pulling one of his lions up to stand in between him and Dante. Said lion growls. "Name's Dante," Dante says holding out his hand, ignoring the lion. "Useless lion..." Nero mumbles to the lion, who mumbles back, "I could bite him," before Nero addresses Dante, "...Nero..." shaking Dante's hand with his Devil Bringer. "Nice arm," Dante tells him running his fingers down it causing Nero to jerk it back. "Aren't we supposed to be doing something?" Vincent asks him crossing his arms. "Right! Leroy!" Dante says running off followed by Vincent. "Well this was interesting," one of his lions say. "Speak for yourself..." Nero grumbles in response as another one snickers.

Miko, Sephiroth, Waya, and Raziel

9:27 pm

"Waya!" Miko yells for the thousandth time still unable to find Waya until... "What!" she yells back. "This way!" Sephiroth says pulling Miko along. "I think Dante and Leroy did something!" Miko tells Waya. "I know," Waya replies. "What should we do?" Sephiroth asks her. "How the hell should I know!?" Waya snaps back. "Well this was useless," Miko says. "Perhaps we should find Vergil?" Raziel suggests. "Good idea!" Waya say. "No it's not," Kain replies walking up. "Miiikoooo!" some ugly woman says all of the sudden walking towards Miko, Sephiroth, Waya, Raziel, and Kain. Miko gasps before saying, "My step mom! Kill her! Kill her quick!" tugging on Kain's arm. "Gladly," Kain says evilly. Just before Miko's step mom, Brenda, reaches Miko Kain reaches her. Grabbing her by her neck Kain proceeds to tear her spine from her back. Once done he rips open her chest removing her internal organs, after completing that he crushes her body with telekinesis splattering blood and other things in every direction possible. Dusting off his hands Kain looks very pleased with himself. "Do it again!" Miko tells him. "With your step mom or someone else?" Kain asks. "I was hoping with my step mom," Miko replies. "Damn! That was fucking awesome!" Waya says as Sephiroth holds up a 9.5 on a piece of paper while Raziel holds up an 8.

"Here comes Vergil," Miko says as Vergil proceeds to hack his way through Red Cross people to reach everyone else. "We're still missing people?" he asks. "Yep," Waya replies. "Let me know when they show up," Vergil says walking away. "The hell..." Waya says gesturing to Vergil. Kain, Miko, and Sephiroth just shrug as Raziel cracks his neck. "The hell?" Miko says as the X-men come walking by. "This place is awesome!" one of them says, no one knows and no one cares, right before a zombie bursts out of the ground and bites one of them, Wolverine we think, before more zombies pop up biting all of the others. That's when all of the innocent bystanders begin to scream and run. "Oh sure, they scream and run now," Miko says sarcastically. "Kain! Do something!" Waya yells pointing to the, now zombie, X-men. "On it," Kain says as he rounds up the zombie X-men, takes over their minds, and begins to destroy the Freak Show. "Not what I meant..." Waya mumbles as Kain laughs diabolically as his new zombie X-men army devours the tourists.

Vergil, Dante, Nero, and Vincent

9:42 pm

Vergil finally did it. He finally conquered the world... well not really he just took a nap until screaming woke him up. Waking from his dream, in which he conquered the world, Vergil lifts his head only to see Kain destroying the Freak Show with an army of zombie X-men. Yawning he goes back to sleep just as Dante comes running by yelling at evil Leroy, "Give me back my sword!" followed by Nero and Vincent shooting at him (evil Leroy, not Dante, though they wanted to). Nero's demon lions cut evil Leroy off giving Dante the opportunity to tackle him. Holding him he says, "Nero, stay here with me just incase he escapes and knocks me unconscious or something, you know, like they do in the movies." "Why can't he stay with you?!" Nero whines pointing to Vincent. "Because, I like you better," Dante replies. "Because I can find Leroy faster," Vincent says to Nero. "Mmm..." Nero says looking unsure. "I'll try and find Leroy and Vergil... and Leroy... whatever..." Vincent says walking away.

Finding Vergil turns out to be easier than Vincent thought. He was at the pizza parlor sleeping. "Vergil. I need you to help me find Leroy...... Wake up," Vincent says shaking Vergil. Yawning Vergil replies, "What?" "I need you to help me find Leroy," Vincent repeats. "Why?" Vergil asks. "Will you just get up?" Vincent says grabbing him by his arm and tugging. "I dun wanna," Vergil mumbles. "If you would sleep like a normal person you would not be so tired all of the time," Vincent says pulling him along. "Alright, alright. I'm up," Vergil says stumbling as Vincent pulls him. "So why are we looking for Leroy?" Vergil asks yawning. "Apparently he and Dante did...something... and Leroy now has two twins running around," Vincent explains. "I told Dante not to," Vergil growls. "'Not to' what?" Vincent asks. "I taught Dante a spell but I told him not to do it unless I was there," Vergil replies. "And you believe that's what this is?" Vincent asks. "What else?" Vergil replies.

"There!" Vincent says pointing as Leroy comes running by being chased by himself yelling, "Stop screaming like a girl! You're making me look bad!" "You go left," Vergil tells Vincent as they proceed to heard Leroy. "Boo..." Vergil says causing him to scream and run in the other direction as Vincent grabs a hold of him throwing him over his shoulder saying, "God dammit, you're heavy!" "Sorry," the Leroys reply. "Let's head back to Dante," Vincent says leading the way only to be stopped by a demon clown offering then a bleeding balloon. Said clown gets massacred by Vergil as they continue.

"Here they come!" Waya says pointing to Leroy, Vergil, and Vincent with another Leroy slung over his shoulder as Jill Valentine along with Officer Crawford are killed by Kain with his army of zombie X-men close by. Vergil reenacts the spell fixing Leroy before giving Dante a long and boring lecture. "Uh oh... Here come the cops," Miko says. "Quick! Back to the van before they can blame us!" Waya whispers to the LoEI as Kain rejoins them. "Hang on!" Dante says running off. "Dante! Where is he going?" Raziel asks. "I think I might know," Vincent replies. "Where?" Waya asks.

"I hope I don't get blamed for this," Nero mumbles looking at the destroyed Freak Show. "Hey, Nero!" Dante yells running up to him. "Aw maaaan.... What do you want?" Nero asks as Dante reaches him. "Just wondering if you wanted to come with me," Dante replies. "Where?" Nero asks him suspiciously. "So is that a 'yes'?" Dante responds. "No!" Nero snaps. "Hmm... too bad," Dante says as he throws Nero over his shoulder. "What the hell?!" Nero yells as Dante starts walking. "Akeesha, attack him!" Nero yells to his demon lions. "Have fun," the female one, Akeesha, replies. "Damn you!" he yells at her as Dante lands a slap to his ass. "Hey, hands off!" Nero tells him.

"Come on, Akeesha. I know where a big juicy steak is!" Arkon, Akeesha's brother tells her. "Behind the butcher shop, right?" Akeesha replies. "Yep!" Arkon answers as they both head for the butcher shop.

"That's what he went back for?" Raziel asks as Dante comes walking up with some kid, throwing every possible insult at him, slung over his shoulder. "Yeah," Vincent replies. "Can we go now?" Waya asks. "I'm ready," Dante replies. "Wait. Where are we going? You guys are cannibals, aren't you?!" Nero asks. "No," Vergil replies with a disgusted look. "Vampire," Kain tells him. "Eww," Miko and Waya say in unison. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells as Waya lights up a cigarette for herself and one for Miko, handing Miko hers. "I consume souls," Raziel tells Nero. "o.O" Nero replies. "Uh... no," Vincent says. "You guys! Drop the hostage and put your hands in the air!" a cop yells pointing his gun at the LoEI. "Yeah! Drop me!" Nero says to Dante as Miko screams, "Run!!" "That so doesn't make us look suspicious," Vincent says sarcastically as the LoEI take off towards the parking lot. "Freeze!" the cop yells in pursuit.

Reaching the van the LoEI hop in except Nero, whose thrown in, "Ow!" he protests as Dante climbs in after him saying, "Sorry, love," "o.O" Nero replies as Vergil starts up the van and slams on the gas. After about five minutes later Dante says, "I can't help thinking we forgot something." "Alan, duh," Miko replies. "Oh, never mind then," he responds.

Alan

10:35 pm

"Hello?" Alan calls receiving no answer as his voice echoes through the hall of Mirrors. "Where did everybody go?" he asks yet again being met with silence. "Hi," a guy dressed in a pink shirt with black pants and black sneakers with pink laces in them says walking up to Alan. "My name's David," he says. "Alan," Alan replies as they leave the Freak Show hand in hand.

The End

******************************************************************************************

Waya: That's it for Chapter three! And yes David is a real person. Miko and I met him at Wal-Mart one day, gave him a summary of our story and asked him if he wanted to be in it and he said yes. His pink shirt said 'It's not pink, it's light red'

Nero: ::is standing on a table using a chair to keep Dante away:: The hell's with this guy!?

Dante: Aww... Why don't you come down already? We all know you want me

Nero: Says you! Now get away from me!

Vergil: Eww... ::moves away::

Vincent: ::mumbling to himself:: What did Miko do to my cape?

Miko: I put an inter-dimensional wormhole in it so we can store stuff ::removes cigarettes::

Sephiroth: ::removes cookies::

Kain: Man that was fun!

Vergil: How come he can conquer stuff and I can't?

Waya: Because when Kain does it it's funny and when you don't do it... it's funny

Vergil: I hate you all...

Raziel: Yes, we know

Kain: Can I do that again?!

Raziel: Yeah! It was actually fun to watch!

Waya&Miko: Hells yeah, it was!!

Nero: Waaayaaa! Make him stop! ::lets down guard::

Dante: ::grabs a hold of Nero::

Nero: ::screams like a girl::

Dante: ::commences groping:: ^^

Nero: Let go! ::struggles::

Waya: ::is very annoyed:: Cut it out, Dante, or we can put him back!

Nero: ::stops struggling:: Keep going

Dante: Don't do that! ::stops::

Nero: Dammit...

Vergil: Eww...

Raziel: ::is checking Vincent's cape::

Vincent: ::is unnerved::

Raziel: Did you know you have a giant chicken in here?

Vincent: Yes, I was fully aware

Kain: I want a giant chicken ::grumbles::

Sephiroth&Miko: Cookies!!

Waya: It's 4:59 in the morning and I'm tired so I guess we'll see you later! Say bye!

Everyone: BYE!!

Kain: ^^ ::happy he killed people::

Nero: Stop touching me! ::whines::

Dante: ::is being perverted::

Raziel&Vincent: ::are fighting giant chicken housing in Vincent's cape::

Giant Chicken: ::is winning::

Vergil: ::is planning escape route B::

Miko&Sephiroth: ::are playing Go Fish::

Waya: o.O ::is convinced she's crazy:: ...... BYE!

Miko: ::knows she's crazy, as in herself and not Waya::

Waya: ::knows Miko is crazy too::


	6. Authoress' Note

Authoress' Note - 1 -

Waya: I should just stop doing plots altogether. It never turns out funny with a plot. And if you are all wondering this is our time line of when we worked on each chapter because in the third one I let ya'll know Miko moved away when it isn't mentioned in the fourth or fifth one so here's the time line:

Chapter1: Started and finished about 6 month's ago

Chapter2: Started and finished about 3 to 4 months ago

Chapter3: Started several weeks after chapter 2 but then skipped

Chapter4: Started and finished about 2 months ago

Chapter5: Started and finished about 4 days after chapter 4

Chapter6: Started about 1 day after chapter 5

5 days after starting Chapter6: Miko moves to New York

Who The Fuck Knows: Started 3 weeks after Miko moved away then PS2 breaks

Who The Fuck Cares: Started a week after Who The Fuck Knows

Chapter6: Scrapped and redone

Authoress' Note 1: Same day after redoing chapter 6

Authoress' Note 2: 3 weeks after redoing chapter 6

Authoress' Note 3: 1 day after AN2 after working on chapter 6

Authoress' Note 4: 2 days after AN3

Authoress' Note 5: Dunno, can't remember that also goes for the Short Authoress' Notes and Raziel's Author's Note which he begged me to let him do… I still don't see the point though

Waya: Well that's it I guess

Kain: Ain't got nothing to add

Dante: Can I sleep with Nero? Miko's the one that said no and now she's gone soooo……

Nero: NO!!! Tell him no!

Waya: I'll talk to the audience

Nero: ::to the audience:: I will hate you all for EVER if you say 'yes'!

Dante: ::is begging to the audience:: Please say 'yes'!

Vincent: ::is bruised and beaten:: I may hurt but at least I don't have a giant chicken in my cape anymore

Raziel: ::is also bruised and beaten:: Ow… We won't be going hungry

Vergil: The hell happened to you two?

Vincent&Raziel: A giant chicken

Vergil: o.O

Nero: What?

Sephiroth: ::is moping in Vincent's corner about Miko being gone… might be why Vincent's not moping in it::

Dante: That must have been one GIANT chicken

Waya: It was

Kain: I thought you already killed it

Waya: … ::!:: Yeah! What happened?!

Raziel: It laid an egg

Vincent: That hatched

Waya: What ever… Till the next chapter! …or Authoress' Note… Whichever comes first


	7. The LoEI: Road Trip!

Chapter 4 Page 13

Authoress' Comments

Waya: Chapter four! Yay! We're going in between the books eclipse and the one after that that I don't know the name of. Congratulate us! This is our first book!

Miko: I know the name! The League of Extraordinary Idiots POP into Forks, Washington!

Kain: The hell's that at?

Nero: Why! Why! Take me out! I wanna go home!

Dante: ::drools::

Waya: Never!

Miko: It's the setting of that book I always read.

Kain: You mean the one with vampires, werewolves, and all that?

Dante: Oh my…

Vergil: God help us…

Dante: Are they hot?

Vincent: ::moping in a corner::

Narrator: ::moping with Vincent 'cause lack of lines::

Waya: I don't know

Sephiroth: Why is this the only place I don't just say cookies?

Raziel: I have nothing to say

Miko: You just said something

Raziel: That sentence and this one don't count

Kain: I really don't care

Nero: I really want to go home…::moping::

Dante: I hate my life

Vergil: I hate your life, too

Waya: Disclaimer time ::clears throat:: Kain and Raziel to Eidos, Dante, Vergil, and Nero to Capcom and Sephiroth, Vincent and Chaos to Square Enix and blah, blah, blah now on with the story!

Chapter Four

The League of Extraordinary Idiots: ROADTRIP!

(Maybe they're actually make it to Disney World…probably not)

Characters

*Waya (is still awesome)

*Miko (best friend has bigger boobs than Leroy and he's a guy)

*Narrator (is Aquaman)  
*Kain (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Raziel (Legacy of Kain: Defiance)

*Vergil (Devil May Cry 3)

*Dante (Devil May Cry 3)

*Nero (Devil May Cry 4)

*Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

*Vincent (Final Fantasy VII)

*Chaos (Vincent's Mind)

A Morman doomed to die

At Waya and Miko's House

7:38 pm

Chilling at Waya and Miko's house the LoEI are bored. With Waya playing her new video game, Assassin's Creed, Sephiroth is eating a box of cookies sitting at Miko's feet, Kain and Raziel are now planning their trip to the Bahamas completely giving up on Disney Land, Vergil is contemplating on how to get home while sitting in a broom closet, Dante is trying to get in Nero's pants and Nero is trying to unsuccessfully beat him off with a baseball bat, Vincent sits in a corner talking to Chaos though it looks like he's talking to himself, so Miko decides to pick up one of her amazingly awesome books and reads it. "What are you reading, Miko?" Raziel asks her, looking over her shoulder. "A book." Miko replies sarcastically. "Duh," Kain says. "What book?" Raziel asks her. Finding it to be very annoying having Raziel looking over her shoulder, to get rid of him Miko responds, "Eclipse…Now go away!" She gets up and starts walking across the room, "Watch out!" Vincent warns her but she trips.

Tripping and falling, Miko lands on Dante. "Yeaaaaaaah" Dante says with the most perverted look on his face he's ever had. "Shut up!" Miko demands, punching him in the face. "Ow….I likes it rough." "Fuck you, Dante" Miko replies, as she starts to get up. "When and where," Dante responds. Miko just ignores him. At this point Vergil comes out of the closet to see who's beating up Dante. "Hey, look! Vergil's come out of the closet!" Dante yells pointing at him. Everyone, except Vergil and Kain start to laugh, as Kain says, "Don't care." Vergil, having anger management issues, stomps on Dante's face, making everyone, including Kain, laugh even more. Waya then, suddenly, obviously, duh, passes out from lack of oxygen. Must have been because she was doing something that used more effort than moving her thumbs. This makes Miko and Sephiroth fall to the ground laughing more than before. Shooting Miko and Sephiroth a dirty look, Raziel goes to see if she's alright. (Suck up). Kain gives off the "Don't care" vibe by asking, "What the hell is going on?" Of course, what a douche. Anyways, at this point Waya wakes up. Then out of nowhere, Miko and Sephiroth start yelling, "COOKIES!" at each other repeatedly, like they're holding a conversation or something.

"What are they talking about?" Kain asks. "I don't know," Waya snaps. "Why would you even consider asking me?" she tells Kain. "Aren't you the one who can read minds?" Dante asks Kain. "I'm lazy…" Kain replies, ending yet another conversation with two simple words. "Well if you MUST know, Sephy and I were discussing a roadtrip to California." Miko tells Kain, since the douche is so fucking nosey. "By yelling 'cookies' at each other?" Dante asks, confused. I'm confused too, but it's okay. "Uh, DUH!" Sephiroth and Miko reply in unison. Rolling his eyes, Vergil heads back to the closet. "I guess he didn't like the gender he chose," Dante mutters to himself, causing everyone else but Kain (duh, because he doesn't care) to start snickering quietly to themselves so that Vergil doesn't hear. (Safety precautions) Haha.

"So pack your bags and let's go!" the Narrator exclaims. "Wait, where the hell are we going?" Kain asks in his usual monotone "don't give a shit" way. "I think we're going to California…" Waya answers him as she heads to pack up her stuff. "Oh, well… okay then. Hey, does that mean we're going to Disney world?" Kain asks, suddenly showing some excitement. "Yeah sure, why not?" Miko replies. "You're lying to me, aren't you," Kain states. "I thought we were going to the Bahamas?" Raziel asks, confused by everyone. "…" Vincent says, finally kinda sorta getting a line. I can't believe he got forgotten. How could they do that? Douches. "I agree with the writer…" Vincent says. "I feel neglected…" Nero mumbles. "I'll show you attention," Dante tells him. "Okay…you can start neglecting me again…please," Nero responds

"Rental car's here! Everyone ready?" Waya asks…everyone. "I am!" Dante yells running by gathering more shit. "Don't care…" Kain says. "Yep," Raziel says. "Hey, Raziel? Um… seeing as how we're going to California I don't want to freak anybody out anymore than I know we already will so…do you think you could put on some clothes?" Miko asks Raziel. "I don't think clothes would hide him," Waya tells Miko. "Waya, could you tell Dante to neglect me?" Nero asks her. "Dante! Stop annoying Nero!" Waya orders. "Ready…" Vergil says walking into the living room with a bag slung over his shoulder. "…Ready….I guess….can I just stay here?" Vincent asks. "No! Everyone's going!" Waya tells him. "Me and Miko will be in the car!" Sephiroth yells over his shoulder as him and Miko race to the car.

Getting Kain to put the bags in the back of the car, because he's strong and too lazy so he needs to be to work, everyone hops in…the back. "Who's driving?" Dante asks. "I can't," Waya says. "Me neither," Miko says. "Don't care," Kain says. "I wouldn't know how," Raziel says. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells. "I can't," Vincent says holding up his left hand which isn't actually a hand but a claw…so his left claw? "I'll drive," Vergil suggests. "NO!" everyone who's able to die and not stupid yells. "I can do it," Nero tells them, punching Dante for having his hands where they don't belong. "Hmmm…" Waya says. "Can you drive? Because we found out the hard way with Vergil that he can't," Waya asks, explaining what happened. "Yeeeaaah…about that…I thought we weren't gonna mention it anymore?" Miko asks Waya. Waya just shrugs. "Don't care…" Kain says. "Oookay…Uh…yeah I'm actually a pretty good driver," Nero replies. "Alright then, go for it," Waya tells him. "I get shotgun!" Dante yells. "Like hell you do!" Nero and Waya yell in unison, Nero out of fear and Waya out of anger. "I always get shotgun," Waya tells Dante. "Damn!" he mutters. "My driving's not that bad," Vergil mutters. "Says you…" Vincent tells him. "I would have to agree…You do not belong behind the wheel of a car," Raziel tells him. "Alright alright, I get it…My driving's horrible," Vergil agrees crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat, pouting (though he'd never admit that he was actually pouting), just as Nero starts up the car. "Who has the map?" Nero asks as he starts to pull out the driveway. "Right here." Miko says, handing it up to Waya. "Which way to the interstate?" Nero asks Waya. "Oh god…" she mutters. "Uh…um…hm…let's see…interstate…interstate…interstate…hm…" Waya rambles. "You're holding it upside down," Vincent tells Waya matter-of-factly. "Let me see it," Vergil says with a sigh holding out his hand. Waya happily hands the map over to him. "Why are you up front if you can't read a map?" Raziel asks. "'Cause I'm beast, and you aren't," Waya replies. "Whatever…" Vincent says. "Don't care," Kain says. Miko and Sephiroth decide to play Go Fish.

7:56 pm

They make it to the interstate and it turns out Nero really is a good driver as long as Dante keeps his hands off him. "Eww…" Waya says. "Watch out!" Vincent yells, pointing at a pedestrian walking. "Dante! Stop touching Nero while he's driving!" Waya yells taking the map away from Vergil to hit Dante over the head before handing it back so Vergil can once again direct Nero. "Damn! You missed the old fat lady," Kain says pointing at the old fat lady walking across the street. "I wasn't aiming for her!" Nero snaps at Kain. "Why?" Vergil asks. "Yeah… 'Why'?" Kain adds. "No hitting old people on this road trip! Kain and Vergil," Waya yells accusing Kain and Vergil. "I didn't say anything," Vergil denies. "I thought you didn't lie?" Raziel asks. "I found out you can't really be evil and tell the truth all the time…" Vergil replies. "I think Nero's hot," Dante says randomly. "Please keep shit like that to your self," Waya mutters. "Go fish," Miko tells Sephiroth

8:30 pm

"Got any threes?" Miko asks Sephiroth. "Darn!" Sephiroth says handing her a card. "Yes!" she exclaims doing her chipmunk dance making it look like she's having a seizure while trying to eat. "Hey, look! Miko's having a spasmadick moment!" Dante yells. Looking at Dante Vergil asks, "What?" Waya tells him, "Put your seatbelt back on!" and Vincent corrects him, "It's spastic…" "Spasmadick was funnier…" Dante replies. "Hey! Where are we?" Kain asks as Nero pulls off the interstate for gas. "Kentucky," Vergil answers automatically climbing out to stretch with everyone else. "Can you please make Dante move?" Nero begs Waya. Standing there tapping her foot with her arms crossed, thinking, Waya finally says, "Alright. Seating arrangements everybody! Come on! Get over here! Miko will you please go chase down Sephiroth?" "Why do I have to do it? Everyone else here is faster than me. Kain? Wait no, never mind. Dante? Vincent? Waya? Dude, Waya, you go get him, he's scared of you. So yeah. I refuse to do it. I'm not running anywhere…. Except into that store, I need some cigarettes…" Sighing Waya replies, "Alright…Dante lure him in with some cookies." "Got it!" Dante says. Grabbing the cookies from the glove compartment, which was locked, duh, he jogs after Sephiroth waving the cookies around as people give him weird stares grabbing their children because a grown man waving around cookies screams pedophile, but get's side tracked by a blonde with big tits. "Well hello there…" and proceeds to talk to said blonde. "Alright, Vergil. You get to go and get both Dante and Sephi—" "No! Sending Vergil just yells fight…Send Raziel," Miko says interrupting Waya. "Whatever…" Vergil responds turning around and heading back to the car. "What. Ever. Do you mind, Raziel?" Waya asks him mumbling, "I was counting on it, Miko." "Not really…" Raziel says walking off towards the blonde and Dante first. Raziel places himself behind Dante causing the blonde chick to scream and run. "Wait! Do I smell bad or something?" Dante asks. Looking up he sees Raziel standing over him. "Oh…Dude…you suck…" Dante tells him. All Raziel does is grab the cookies and yells, "Sephiroth! Cookies!" Sephiroth comes running and receives said cookies making him very happy as Raziel drags both him and Dante, by their collars, back to the car. As everyone gathers around, Waya begins to explain the seating arrangements. "Me, Vergil, and Nero are gonna be up front…" "Figures," Miko mumbles. "…with Kain, Sephiroth, and Miko in the second row and Dante, Raziel, and Vincent in the third row…any complaints?" Dante raises his hand. "Any complaints besides Dante?" Waya asks. Dante lowers his hand as everyone says 'No'. "Good, now back in the car…Nero's done," Waya tells them and everyone climbs back into the car.

10:51 pm

With Miko and Sephiroth taking a nap the group arrives in Illinois to rest. Surprisingly nothing funny happens between leaving the gas station and arriving in Illinois. Pulling into a motel parking lot Nero cuts the engine and everyone waits as Waya goes and gets rooms. Coming back she announces the room arrangements, "Okay, me and Miko get a room to ourselves because we're girls, room 663, Raziel and Nero, you two are in room 664, Vergil and Vincent, you two are in room 665, and Kain, Dante and Sephiroth, you three are in room, and look at this, 666. I put three in there because it's the biggest…so any questions?" "I'm in room 666? Awesome" Kain says. "Cookies…." Sephiroth says sadly, waving 'bye bye' to Miko. Miko runs up and gives him a big hug. Vergil pretends to puke behind their backs. "I love you buddy!" Sephiroth says. "I love you tooooooooooo!" Miko sobs as Waya pulls her off into the direction of their room and Kain proceeds to join Vergil in pretending to puke while Dante tries to hug Nero as well but only ends up getting punched in the face. "Ooh…I likes it rough," Dante says. Nero walks away saying, "Freak…" "Only in between the sheets," Dante replies. Shuddering Nero proceeds to his designated room. "You have gotten way too close to that guy," Waya states to Miko as she opens the door. "Your point? He's fucking ballin' dude," Miko replies plopping down on a bed.

Not quite ready to go to sleep yet, Dante decides to go to the pool and wait for the down and dirty couples to arrive. "At least one sexy couple has to get busy in this pool tonight," he says to himself. Fortunately for the couples, no one arrives.

Back in Room 664, Nero opens his window, "Hey…I bet you five bucks I can hit Dante with my boot," Nero tells Raziel. Raziel comes walking to the window and asks, "From all the way over here?" "Yep!" Nero replies. "Why would you waste your boot? Use this," Raziel says handing him a lamp. "Cool…" Nero responds. Hoisting up the lamp Nero throws it only for it to land in the pool. "…Damn…." Nero mutters. "It would have been funny had it actually hit him," Raziel replies trying to cheer up Nero. "Yeah…but I missed…" Nero complains as Vergil opens his window and says, "Who are you throwing shit at?" Dante proceeds to duck and cover because apparently someone's throwing shit at him. "Dante…" Nero tells him. "Did you hit him?" Vincent asks. "No…" Nero replies glumly leaning against the windowsill. That's when Waya opens her window and says, "Get your asses to bed! Dante! Back in your room!" Sephiroth opens his window to see what all the commotion is about, because Kain doesn't care and won't, and sees Waya which causes him to yell, "Can I talk to Miko?" As Dante walks under Nero's window to get back to his room Nero says, "Quick! Give me another lamp!" Rushing to get the lamp Raziel pulls out a big chunk of the wall but by the time he gets back to the window Dante is already gone. Then they spend the next ten minutes being bitched at by Waya for not being in bed as Miko and Sephiroth talk about cookies.

"Miko, everyone needs to get some sleep. Stop talking to Sephiroth and get to bed," Waya orders. "Aww, do I have to?" Miko whines. "Yes." Waya responds. "Fine. Good night Sephy, see you in a few hours." Miko yells, before closing the window and climbing into bed. Everyone else does the same.

Dante enters room 666. "In the bathroom," Kain says. "What? Why?" Dante asks. "Because we don't want you fondling us while we're sleeping," Kain replies. "Why the hell would I want to fondle you? You're ugly," Dante responds. "What are you talking about? I'm dead sexay," Kain says. That's when Sephiroth pulls out a life sized mirror from behind his cape and sets it in front of him. Dante and Kain just stare until Kain's reflection is shown in the mirror causing it to scream and shatter. "Where the hell did you get that from?" Dante asks. "Yea…I agree. 'Where the hell did you get that from'?" "The wall," Sephiroth says pointing to the wall where a mirror once was. "How did you pull it out of your cape?" Kain asks him. Sephiroth just shrugs. Kain and Dante exchange a quick glance before going to bed.

The Next Day

8:00 pm

Waya comes running out of the room banging on everyone's door, "Get up! We over slept!" "Really?" Dante asks poking his head out of the room. "This could be a problem…" Raziel comments. "My ass hurts…" Nero says. "Too much driving?" Raziel asks skeptically, glancing at Dante for a brief second. "Yeah…" Nero replies, catching the glance and hitting Raziel in the shoulder telling him, "Shut-UP!" Raziel just blinks, as well as he can considering he has no eyelids. Sephiroth and Miko come running by to get some donuts from the office knocking Vergil over in the process. "Son of a bitch!" he yells just before he hits the ground. Dante and Waya crack up laughing. "Don't care…wait…. Haha! You fell!" Kain says pointing and laughing at Vergil. "…You okay?" Vincent asks Vergil. "Fine…" Vergil growls in response. "But I'm going to kill those two…" "No you aren't…" Waya tells him sternly. "If I beg can I?" Vergil asks her. "No," she replies. "Then never mind," Vergil says walking to the car that Nero, Kain, Raziel, Vincent, and Dante already occupy.

8:20pm

Having stolen a large amount of donuts the group heads off to Missouri. Jumping into the car Miko whips out the cards and Sephiroth says, "Yay!" and Dante pouts because Nero's out of range as Vergil directs Nero to the next destination.

8:23 pm

As soon as Nero pulls out onto the interstate Vincent tells them, "We need to stop for gas…" because they're running on E. "…..Why the hell didn't you say so when we were still in….uh…where were we?" Waya asks. "Jefferson City," Vincent tells her. "Oh, okay," Waya replies. Clearing her throat she continues, "Why the hell didn't you say so when we were still in Jefferson City!" Waya yells. "You never asked," Vincent responds. "Well this is a lot of help…" Vergil says. "No it's not!" Dante says like Vergil just said the dumbest thing in the world. "I was being sarcastic," Vergil tells him. "Which way do we go?" Nero asks Waya. "I don't know!" she replies. "Vergil!" they yell in unison. "Sit down and put your seatbelt on before you get hurt," Raziel tells Dante. "Shove him out the window, it's open," Vincent suggests. "Waya wouldn't like that very much," Raziel tells him. "Someone say something so I can say I don't care…" Kain asks. "We're contemplating on throwing Dante out the window," Raziel says gesturing to himself and Vincent. "Don't care…" Kain says. Miko and Sephiroth start giggling at Kain. "Are you sure it's a left?" Nero asks Vergil. "I'm not Waya, I can read a map," Vergil replies. "Hey! Ya douche!" Waya says. Miko and Sephiroth start whispering cookies back and forth at each other. "Don't care…" Kain says to them. "You don't even know what we're talking about," Miko tells him. "I can read minds, ya know…" Kain replies. "Thought you were too lazy…" Miko says to Kain. "Your face…" he says. "Is prettier than your's," Sephiroth says and Miko smiles at Sephiroth. "Cookie cook cookies, (Thank you, Sephy)" "Your's is about to be ripped off," Kain threatens.

"Cut it out!" Waya yells from the passenger seat. "Don't make me make Nero turn this van around!" she warns. Miko sighs and whispers to Sephiroth, "Cook cookies, cookie cook cook cook cookies." Sephiroth giggles. "Whatcha whispering about?" Dante asks Miko. "Mind your own business whore face." Miko snaps. "Dude, if you remember what happened to that Johnnie kid in Japan, I would advise you to just… keep your mouth shut… you don't want to end up a new concrete carpet," Vincent advises Dante. "First of all, knocking me off a building won't kill me…" Dante says to Vincent before addressing Miko, "And you want to worry about privacy now after we slept together? I don't get it…" Miko glares at him "You don't even fucking know if we did in fact sleep together. YOU WERE MORE WASTED THEN I FUCKING WAS YOU FUCKING IDIOTIC DOUCHEBAG CUNT! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I MAKE YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!1!" Kain begins to say 'I don't care' but burst out laughing instead. Vergil smirks and gives Miko a high five. Sephiroth's eye starts twitching giving Miko a surprised look. Vincent opens a book. "Kinky," Dante says smirking pissing Miko off even more. Miko begins to shout but is then interrupted before her mouth is even open, and I swear to god if Dante says something right now, the writer's gonna kill him off. Dante closes his mouth. "THAT'S IT! NERO! TURN THE VAN AROUND!" Waya yells. "NO!" everyone yells as Miko and Dante both let off a stream of apologies to each other. "I told you it would work. You owe me five bucks," Waya tells Nero. "Damn!" he curses.

8:50 pm

Getting worked up made Miko tired so she leans against Sephiroth's shoulder and falls asleep giving Dante ideas…horrible, horrible ideas, just ask Nero, he's the victim. Kain says, "Right now I wish I could go back to being lazy because that's sick and I know I shouldn't care but that's…just…ewww, yeah….uh….yeah, gross," to Dante. "What are you talking about?" Dante asks him trying to sound innocent. "…eww…" is all Kain could say. "I'm lost," says Sephiroth. "No, the next exit," Vergil tells Nero. Nero just yawns replying, "I'm tired." "Let's stop, we've been running on E for the last 27 minutes," Waya suggests. "That's why the van's smoking…" Chaos comments inside Vincent's head. "Shut up!...Wait…..What?" he asks looking out the window. "Uh…the van's smoking…" Vincent tells everyone. "What?" Waya says looking out her window. "Son of a bitch!" Nero yells, freaking out and slamming on the breaks.

The car breaks down. "Now what?" Dante asks. "Now we're stranded…" Vergil tells him. "So who's pushing?" Waya asks the group innocently. "Uh…um…hmm… I vote Sephiroth," Miko says. "HEEEEEY! Cookie cook cook cookie cookies cook?" Sephiroth asks. "Cookie cook cook cook cookies cookie cookie cookies cook." Miko replies. "Cookies?" Sephiroth asks. "Cookies." Miko answers. At this point, Sephiroth gets out to start pushing, muttering cookies the whole time. "He can't do it by himself," Vincent mutters. "Um…yeah," Vergil says sighing as he gets out to help pulling Vincent along. "How far is the gas station?" Raziel asks as he, too, gets out to help. "Do I have to push?" Nero whines. "Don't give a shit," Kain says. "Whoa…he has a new phrase," Miko points out. "No…because Dante's helping—" Waya begins. "What?" Dante interrupts being pulled out the van by Raziel. "—you get to sit up top with Miko and I," Waya finishes. "How come he doesn't have to help?" Dante asks her. "Well for one, he's been driving. And two, you can't keep your damn hands off him. No work would get done like that…now Kain, poof us to the top of the van so we can watch," Waya replies and orders and…probably something else too.

9:20 pm

Arriving at the gas station, Miko makes the statement, "That didn't take long…I felt like we were flying." "Speak for yourself…" Vincent mumbles walking underneath a tree to avoid the sun. "Can I kill her now?" Vergil asks Waya. Waya swipes Sephiroth's credit card as Nero pumps gas. "Me and Miko are gonna go get…shit I guess," Dante says grabbing Miko by her arm and pulling her to the store with her bitching the entire way. With a sigh Raziel asks, "I should go with them, shouldn't I?" "Probably," Waya answers. "Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll kill each other," Vergil mumbles. "I can't say any thing because you're not in my house," Waya responds. "…I'm not talking to Miko," Sephiroth says. "So I'll talk to you!" he tells Kain. "I don't give a shit," Kain responds. "You will once he actually starts talking," Raziel tells him following Dante and Miko into the store. "I think Sephy is mad at me," Miko tells Dante. "And I care why? I mean, you totally ditch me to hang out with that loser, and you want me to care that the dumbass is mad at you… I don't get you Miko," Dante responds sourly. "Aww sounds like someone is jealous," Raziel says to Dante, walking up behind them and telling Miko, "I'm sure he'll get over it." "I'm not jealous, not about her…with her standing over there." Dante says pointing at a skinny big fake titty blonde. "You're such a dick, Dante. Now I know I didn't sleep with you. I would never sleep with such an ass," Miko says. Miko, Raziel, and Dante exit the store with their arms full of…shit. Now with food and gas the LoEI hop back into the van, with much complaining, and set off…again. "We're never getting to Disney World…" Kain says disappointed. Raziel pats him on the shoulder in an attempt to cheer him up. Its working until Sephiroth starts talking to him. "Told you so," Raziel tells him. "Shut up," Kain growls.

9:50 pm

Sephiroth once again is talking to Miko. "Cook cookie cooks, (I forgive you)" he tells Miko. "Cookies? (Really?)," she asks. "Cookie, (Yeah)," he says. "Yes!" Kain yells, giving Miko a hug. All eyes turn to her as she just sits there looking as confused as them. "Oh, sure…HE can hug you and he's butt ugly!" Dante exclaims. Miko gives Dante a 'what the fuck are you talking about' look. Dante pouts in the back but gets distracted by Nero and cheers up, "Is he sure we're going the right way?" Nero asks Waya. "How the hell should I know?" she asks. "Ask him!" Nero tells her. "Oh right…like I'm actually going to wake up Vergil" she replies. "Well you just spent the last 10 minutes poking him," Nero snaps back. "But I never woke him up," she says. "What?" Vergil asks, waking up. "Nothing…" Waya and Nero tell him.

Sephiroth proceeds to climb over Kain as Kain yells, "WHAT THE FUCK!" Pushing Kain towards the window seat Sephiroth says to Miko, "Cookie cook cookie cook cook cook cook cook cookies…cookie." Miko giggles as Kain snickers saying "The fuck? Don't you mean dick?" "WHAT?" everyone says in unison. "No I didn't," Vergil says waking up. Waya gives him a 'wtf' look. Vergil shrugs. "You're talking about Dante, aren't you?" Nero asks them. Miko ignores everyone and replies to Sephiroth, sighing, "Cookie cook cook cook cook cookies cookies cook cookie cook cookies cookie cook cookie cook cook cook. Cookies cookies cookie cook cookie cookies, milk." "Cookies, (idiots)" Kain says. Sephiroth and Miko turn to Kain, using the cookie language and say, "Fuck you, Kain," Without using the cookie language Kain says to Miko, "Dante…" and to Sephiroth, "And your mom." Looking at each other Sephiroth and Miko cross their arms and start to pout. Every one else is like 'wtf?' Dante scratches his head saying, "What does this have to do with me? You know what, fuck you all! And not in the sexual way…except for you, Nero," Vergil takes the wheel as Nero begins to bang his head up against the window as Vergil takes a sharp left ending up at a GIANT toilet. "Toilet!" Dante yells. "Wow…that's huge…" Raziel comments. "…" Vincent says. As Vergil climbs over Waya in a hurry he says, "Bathroom break…" Waya snickers as Nero burst out laughing. Wow, Vergil did comedy.

"I think we have officially entered Kansas…from the looks of the GIANT toilet…but I could be mistaken," Miko remarks climbing out of the car, with Sephiroth on her heels. "Not really giving a shit," Kain replies climbing out the other side. As soon as Raziel opens the door, Dante goes diving out, "Hey Miko, wait up… were you and Sephiroth really talking shit about me?" he asks. "No, not talking shit… I suppose we were talking about you but I'm sure it wasn't anything insulting," Miko replies, not really able to remember the conversation well… the toilet takes up a lot of space in her little brain…ha-ha. "Oh, okay," he says right before making a bee line for Nero, who takes off running in the opposite direction knocking over Vergil just as he returns. As soon as he gets up Dante comes running by and knocks him over again. "I'm going to kill those two…" he says just as Waya comes over to ask him if he's alright, "You alright?" as Kain stands in the background laughing, "Can't… breath. Can't… BREATHE!" he tells Raziel just before he hits the ground. Raziel just watches as he falls before walking away not really giving a shit. "I wonder what Miko and Sephiroth are doing," Raziel wonders aloud walking off to find them. "They doing dirty things," Waya says following him. "Maybe I should stay with those four instead…" she mumbles to herself watching Vergil chase Dante who's chasing Nero who's running circles around Kain who's like 'wtf?'. "Nope…don't care…" Kain says from the ground.

Hopping over Kain's leg once more Nero makes the circle again only to trip on his way back around causing Dante to trip over him landing on top of him which causes Vergil to trip over them both hitting the ground beside them. Dante's dream comes true…or at least part of it until Nero punches him in the face. "Ooh…I likes it rough," Dante responds. Nero knees him in between the legs. Dante rolls off of him and lies on the ground grabbing himself and groaning. Cars pass by as little stoner kids looking out their windows laugh. "Still like it rough?" Nero asks him as he stands over Dante. "Any kind of touch from you is like heaven, baby," Dante tells Nero. Vergil slowly backs away, but after taking three steps he takes off running calling for Waya. Nero puts his hand over his mouth running for the bathrooms.

10:17 pm

Sephiroth is standing on the bowl of the GIANT toilet when he sees his reflection thinking it's an image of a cookie but then it turns into Johnnie. "Johnnie?" he asks, leaning over the bowl. "Help me, God didn't want me and Satan kicked me out," Johnnie says. "Wow…I thought you were dead," Sephiroth replies. "Be careful, Sephiroth! Don't fall in!" Raziel yells. "Too late, fuck face," Johnnie says grabbing Sephiroth and pulling him in just as Dante jumps up onto the bowl of the toilet. "Sephy! NOOOOOOOOO!1!" Miko yells. At Miko's cry time stops giving Dante enough time to talk to the mini hims on his shoulders before Sephiroth drowns. Good Dante says, "You should save him." Evil Dante replies, "I say let the dumbass drown…" "Wow…evil me sounds a lot like Vergil," Dante says to himself before adding, "Wait a minute…why am I talking to myself?" "Why is he talking to his shoulders?" Raziel asks Miko. "Cause he's on crack, obviously," Miko replies. "To have to sleep with you he has to be," Kain says. "All of you shut up! Time's supposed to be frozen," Waya says. "Oops," they reply. "Bitch…" Miko mutters in reference to Kain.

Meanwhile Sephiroth proceeds to doggy paddle to stay afloat, how he manages that with time being frozen who knows. E.D. says, "Don't rescue him; he stole Miko away from you!" G.D. says, "Yeah but if you rescue him Miko will actually talk to you again and maybe even let you hug her!" "I dunno…He did steal Miko but I have Nero now…but I do want to be her friend…but I do hate Sephiroth…but I do like Miko more…but Sephiroth is a douche…but Miko isn't…but it would be funny if he drowned…but then Miko would be sad and I don't want to see her sad…" E.D. says, "Yeah but everyone else will like you and it will be funny…and you wouldn't be a pansy," G.D. responds, "But that's evil! And you're good!" E.D. replies, "What's your point? You want him to look like a pansy?" G.D. says, "But he wouldn't look like a pansy if he risks his own life to rescue Sephiroth," "Well I don't want to be a pansy and I can't be evil…" Dante says before muttering, "Damn you, Vergil! I wanted to be the evil one!" After everyone looks confused Dante yells, "Hold on, Sephiroth! I'll save you!" and dives in. "No, Dante, its okay… I can doggy paddle my way out." Sephiroth says continuing his attempt at saving his own life. "HA! Yeah right… oh shit… what is this; a fucking whirlpool?" Dante sputters as he starts to drown too. "What kind of idiot drowns in a toilet?" Nero asks no one in particular receiving a 'you have to ask?' look from Kain. "Never mind," Nero mutters.

"Haha, I can kick both their asses now. Woohoo bitches!" Johnnie's ghost cheers. "Holy shit! Do something somebody!" Waya yells. "Okay…" Nero says sitting down. "Kick Dante's ass!" Nero yells to the GIANT toilet. "Gotcha…" Kain says before saying, "Don't care…" also sitting down. "…" Vincent says pulling out a chair from behind his cape and also sits down. "Yes! Maybe they'll both die! Less work for me later…" Vergil says pulling out a chair from behind Vincent's cape. "All of you are useless!" Waya says crossing her arms. "Yes…and while you stand here bitching at us they're drowning," Vergil tells her. "Don't….give a shit. Yeah…I think I'll start using that one now," Kain responds thinking to himself. "If I had hands I'd be drinking a beer," Johnnie says. "But you don't do you, ya douche," Dante replies before being pulled back under as Sephiroth continues to doggy paddle now trying to save Dante. "Yeah….and that's why you're drowning, huh shit head," Johnnie tells Dante.

"Raziel! If you're not useless then do something!" Waya yells. "Yeah, kill Dante," Vergil tells him. "I agree…" Nero adds. "And I don't giva shit," Kain says. "I'll get them," Raziel assures….Waya because everyone else wants them dead. "You are all a bunch of dicks," Miko tells them all heading back to the car to pout because she believes Sephy is going to die. "Hey! I'm trying to get them to help and Raziel is helping!" Waya yells at Miko. "And what about Dante! He tried to help!" Waya then yells. "I meant everyone not helping!" Miko yells back. "And yeah, it's nice of Dante to try and save him but I'm still pissed at him!" Miko then yells.

Sephiroth and Dante continue to drown. "You fuckers better not piss in this water!" Johnnie tells Sephy and Dante. Then Dante and Sephiroth are rescued as Raziel pulls them out. "Johnnie was in there!" Dante yells as soon as he stops choking on water. "Yeah! And he tried to kill us!" Sephiroth adds. "Well Dante's obviously not on crack," Vergil comments. "Yeah unless he shared with Sephiroth," Nero adds. "Don't care," Kain says. "Johnnie's fucking dead. I should know. I fucking killed him," Miko says. Kain gives her an air pound to lazy to get up and walk three steps to her. "…I should have stayed at the house…" Vincent mutters. "Miko! You killed him so you can get your ass up there to see if he really is in there!" Waya orders. "She's bossy," Nero whispers to Vergil. "Yeah…" Vergil responds.

"Shut up!" Waya yells at Nero who cringes. Getting pissy Miko walks to the toilet and yells, "Someone wanna help me up!" She hears a bunch of 'no's behind her as Raziel offers his hand. Taking his hand Raziel lifts her up nearly throwing her in, "Oops…sorry…I forgot you were thinner now," Raziel says. "Hey bitches!" Johnnie says. "I need a body. Bring me Link, but until then put me in a bottle," he continues. "Oh shit!" Miko says stumbling backward into Raziel nearly knocking them both over the edge…. "Jester's gonna spank your butt! Spank you on the buuutt!" the Jester say's popping out of nowhere. Dante freaks out, yells, and passes out. Vergil turns white and passes out as well. "Doesn't that leave you open?" Waya asks Vergil causing him to wake up, summon the Yamato, and pray the Jester comes with in reach of his sword and not in the kinky sense. "Hey, jackass, come over here. I got a present for ya," Johnnie tells the Jester. "Oh my…I like presents," the Jester responds. Dante screams like a girl and dives off the GIANT toilet. "Who the hell put his ass in here?" Waya asks. "Who's typing this shit?" Vincent responds. "Miko…" Waya says walking away whistling. "Can I kill him?" Kain asks. "Yes!" Dante and Vergil say. But unfortunately for Kain Johnnie beats him to it.

1:08 am

The Jester dies and everyone, after sticking Johnnie in a bottle, head back to the car to keep going. Nero, being too tired to drive, doesn't and some how Sephiroth ends up driving with Miko in the middle and Raziel by the window. Nero, Waya, and Vergil in the seats behind them and Vincent, Kain, and Dante in the back. "How come I'm always in the back?" Dante asks. "Because we're beast and you're not," Miko says from beside Sephiroth. "Why can't I sit next to Nero?" he asks next as Nero slouches in his seat. "Because you like to fondle him," Waya answers rolling her eyes. "Yeah…but he likes it," Dante replies sounding really sure of himself. "Eww…" Nero says. "Shut up, Dante. Please," Waya orders. "Don't care and don't give a shit," Kain says unable to decide what to say. "You can read a map, right?" Vergil asks Raziel. "Of course," he replies.

"We should throw him out a window," Vincent whispers to Kain gesturing to Dante who's saying perverted shit to Nero until Waya gets sick of hearing it, along with everyone else, and hit's him. 'That one's open," Kain responds pointing to a window by Vergil. "Hmmm…" Vincent thinks.

1:12 am

Nero falls asleep, Waya falls asleep, Vergil falls asleep, Vincent falls asleep, Kain closes his eyes, and Raziel gets distracted by Miko and Sephiroth's game of Go Fish. This sucks…..for them.

"How do you play?" Raziel asks Miko and Sephy. "Oh…well…it's easy…" Miko begins to explain setting down the map to show Raziel. The map flies out the window. Dante, while contemplating different ways he can get to Nero without anyone noticing, sees a piece of paper fly out the window. Opening the window Dante sticks his head out and watches as said piece of paper flies away. Shrugging he continues to think.

"Which exit do we take?" Sephiroth suddenly asks. Miko and Raziel look up from their game completely clueless though Miko will never admit it. "You're supposed to take that one," she says, pointing to the closest exit. "Should we check the map first?" Raziel asks. Being Miko, who thinks she's always right, says, "No. I know I'm right. It's this one. We don't need the map to tell me that," Raziel, not really caring where they end up, just shrugs as Sephiroth takes the exit Miko pointed out believing anything she tells him.

2:08 am

In Colorado

"Welcome to Colorado!" Miko, Raziel, Sephiroth, and Dante whisper scream as they enter Colorado. Without a map Miko miraculously gets the group to Utah but first they stop for snacks. Nothing happens. So to the next state!

3:09 am

In Utah

Running on E Sephiroth decides to stop for gas. "Oh oh oh! Let me pump the gas!" Miko yells as Dante and Raziel get out to stretch. "Okay!" Sephiroth agrees handing Miko the gas pump. Dante just glares at Waya because sometime during their sleep Vergil leaned up against the window, Waya leaned up against him, and Nero leaned up against her. "Where are we?" Kain asks as he gets out to stretch. "Somewhere in Colorado," Raziel answers. "Cookies!" Sephiroth yells. "Cookies!" Miko echoes. Raziel cracks his back. Kain says, "Don't give a shit." "Tank's full!" Miko announces. "Yay!" Sephiroth yells hugging her. "Yay!" she yells hugging him back. They all climb back into the van. Sarah has a butt chin; at least Dante knows where to put it. Giggle giggle. "So do we take the Nevada exit, or the Wyoming exit?" Sephiroth asks Miko, since she THINKS she's always right. "We take the Wyoming," she replies… not really paying attention, and not really caring at this point because she is playing Go Fish with Raziel, and whipping his ass. WOOT!

4:10 am

In Wyoming

"Dude, gas is so fucking expensive," Miko says, no longer playing cards with Raziel (she lost). "Yeep!" Sephiroth agrees getting out to get more gas as Kain and Raziel get a snack before Waya gets up so they don't get in trouble…poor poor tourists. Dante goes into the store for more sodas and chips as Miko and Sephiroth take turns pumping gas. By the time Dante returns the car's full of gas and Miko, Raziel, and Sephiroth are playing cards waiting for Dante. Administering the sodas and chips Dante hops in the back and Sephiroth takes off heading for the interstate.

"How much longer?" Dante asks Sephiroth, who says, "I don't know. Let me asks Miko. Miko? How much farther?" Sephiroth asks taking his eyes off the road. "I dunno…like…5 hours," she replies. "That long!" Dante complains. "I can't find the map," Raziel remarks. Looking around for the map Sephiroth misses the deer that decides to cross the road. That goddamn deer has been standing there for five hours and not a single car has passed but as soon as Sephiroth comes around the corner the deer believes it's safe and decides to cross. "Look out!" Miko screams causing Sephiroth to slam on the breaks. Dante and Kain, being awake, manage to catch themselves but unfortunately Vincent isn't, and is jerked back and forth, "Whiplash! Ow! I'm suing you!" Vincent yells as Nero, Waya, and Vergil, taking off their seatbelts to sleep, tumble to the floor.

"Ouch…" Vincent says holding his head. "The hell!" Nero yells, trying to get up. "Hey! My knee doesn't bend that way!" Vergil snaps as Waya tries to get up using Nero while he tries to use her causing them both to get nowhere. "What the hell are you slamming the breaks for!" Vergil yells to Sephiroth. "Hey! Not in my ear!" Waya yells to Vergil. "Is everyone alright?" Raziel asks. "I think I got whiplash!" Vincent says rubbing his neck. "I didn't do it!" Dante says holding up his hands. "Ow!" Nero says. "Sorry," Waya apologizes. "That's it! Out! Get out of the driver's seat!" Vergil orders. Sephiroth proceeds to get out pouting as Vergil takes his place. Vergil and Sephiroth trade places as Sephiroth takes Miko's place and Miko takes Raziel's. The seating arrangements are now; Miko, Sephiroth, and Vergil up front, Waya, Dante, and Kain in the middle row, and Nero, Raziel, and Vincent in the back. "I don't give a damn about what all of you think about my driving! I'm going to get us to California!" Vergil yells climbing in the driver's seat.

"Why am I by Dante!" Waya yells. "What are you yelling about? I ain't touching you," Dante says only to be punched by Waya. "Doesn't mean I want you near me!" Waya snaps. "Then I'll just switch places with Raziel," he suggests. "The HELL you are!" Nero replies. "You know you want me," Dante comments. "The HELL I do!" Nero yells. "Shut UP!" Waya yells. "We can't find the map!" Vergil tells everyone. "I think it flew out the window," Dante responds, after a long pause which isn't in there because no one felt like typing all of those dots but it probably would have been quicker than this sentence, but oh well.

Where are we, anyways?" Vergil asks as Miko and Sephiroth get out of the car. Where are you going?" Raziel asks them. "Watch out for zombies!" Dante calls after them. "Watch out for pedophiles!" Waya adds Miko and Sephiroth place themselves on the border of Wyoming and Montana saying, "Look! We're in two places at once!" "Yay!" Sephiroth says. They start to laugh then climb back into the van. "So, where are we?" Vergil snaps at Sephiroth. Too scared to answer, Sephiroth just sits there, dropping his eyes to the floor. "Wyoming," Raziel replies, "Montana," Dante replies. "Both," Miko replies. "What the fuck are we doing all the fucking way up North?1?" Vergil growls. "…..Driving…duh?" Dante says… trying to be sarcastic. It works…. Vergil throws the bottle of Johnnie at him. Which bounces off his head hitting Kain who throws it back, misses, and hits Waya….who throws it out the window. Almost simultaneously, Dante and Miko stick their heads out the window and say, "Bye-bye Johnnie," with a wave of their hands. "Get the fuck off me!" Waya yells at Dante, who had to climb on top of her (straddling her) to stick his head out the window to wave. Haha. Poor Waya. Who happens to be crying right now while Miko types. Giggle giggle.

Vergil, unable to make a u-turn, continues to head in the direction they were going hoping to make it to Washington so that he can go through Oregon to get to California. Sephiroth eventually gets the guts to speak and says, "I'm sorry for not going the right way… well actually, sorry Miko, but, Miko was the one who said going to Wyoming was the right way to California." "I told you, you should have checked the map," Raziel says quietly almost inaudibly. Kain hears him though and snickers saying, "Dumbasses." "You know, I'm not a fucking rocket scientist, I don't fucking know everything." Miko snaps. "Not what you said earlier," Raziel says. "Shut the fuck up, all of you, Vergil is gonna get us to California, and that's all that fucking matters right now!" Waya yells. "Just for this, I should drive the van off a cliff…" Vergil mutters quietly. "I heard that," Waya says cracking her knuckles. "You're all a bunch of dumbasses," Kain mutters loudly. Waya then reaches over and slaps him upside the head. "Ouch, watch it…" Kain groans rubbing his head. "Hey I have an idea. Let's play—" Miko begins until Vergil interrupts saying, "Shut the hell up!" "Exactly. Let's play 123 Mouse." Miko replies. "What's that?" Sephiroth asks. "It's a game where, once someone says '123 mouse' everyone has to be quiet. And the person who stays quiet the longest, wins," Miko explains. "Well, we already know Dante's out," Raziel says. "Fuck you, let's play, I bet you I can win," Dante whines. So they begin to play the game.

5

Seconds

Later

"I'm bored," Dante complains. Everyone looks at him and smiles… "Saw that one coming," Kain says. Everyone turns to look at him. "What? Don't care…" Kain says turning to look out the window. "Soooooo…. Nero…(sucks in deep breath and slowly lets out)…you wanna… you know…" Dante says giving off that perverted look he gives. "Shut the fuck up!" Nero snaps. Everyone looks at him, with a sympathetic look on their faces. Looking around Nero realizes he too, has lost, looking back at Dante he says, "Shut the fuck up…and stop looking at me like that! It's creepy…" "Oh, stop playing hard to get… you know you want me…" Dante says, continuing to give him the look. "For the love of god! Will someone please shut him up!" Nero begs in a whiny voice. Waya pulls out the bottle of Johnnie from behind Vincent's cape and slams it down on his crotch effectively shutting him up. Johnnie says nothing not wanting to lose the game of 123 mouse, as Waya throws him out the window. Johnnie's thoughts, 'Yummm…' Surprisingly Miko and Sephiroth are quiet as Dante groans now lying on the floor of the van as Nero silently laughs. Vincent says, "…" saying something and yet at the same time not losing the game. "Where the fuck are we!" Vergil yells. "Haha! You lose, Vergil!" Sephiroth says before saying, "Damn!" realizing he just lost. Predicting the future, Vincent pulls the bottle of Johnnie out from behind his cape and hands it to Vergil who then proceeds to wallop Sephiroth over the head as he tries to use Miko as a shield.

With lots of silence later the game of 123 mouse ends in a tie with Miko, being asleep, and Vincent, who just doesn't talk. Miko is woken up as she is hit with Johnnie because Sephiroth finally managed to use her as a shield. Vergil then throws Johnnie out the window while making a sharp turn through the woods to get to their exit. "Where's the road?" Waya asks. "Back there somewhere…" Vergil responds jabbing his thumb behind him. "Uh oh…" Raziel says. "Hey look! We lost the road!" Dante says nearly putting his entire face up to the glass of his window yet again climbing over Waya. "Do I need to get Johnnie again?" she asks him innocently. Slowly climbing off of her he leans back away from her.

"Don't give a shit," Kain says. "Dante's scaring me…" Nero says in a whisper. Waya smacks Dante before saying, "Did I or did I not tell you two put a shirt on two CHAPTERS AGO!" she yells at Dante. "Can I please move?" Dante asks in a squeaky voice. "…" Vincent says. "Are we there yet? I wanna grope Nero some more," Dante whines. "Can you kill him?" Nero asks Vincent. "…" Vincent says whacking Dante upside his head. "Ow…" Dante mumbles. "Good enough…" Nero responds. "How much farther do we have to go?" Raziel asks. "There's a place called Forks about 57 miles from here. We can stop there for the night…" Vergil mumbles absentmindedly loud enough for everyone to hear, concentrating on his driving. Trees are hard to avoid in large vans.

6:12 am

Somewhere In Washington

Finding a, no wait, the hotel, there's apparently only one in this place… everyone files out of the van ready for bed. Unfortunately… there are only two rooms available, due to the fact that there is a wedding going on nearby, and there are a bunch of guest… not that there are many rooms to begin with, maybe 10, if that many. Not liking this arrangement, Waya begins to give room arrangements. "Kain, Vergil, Nero, and Vincent, you four are in room two; find your own bed arrangements. Me, Miko, Dante, Sephiroth, and Raziel get room one." "I want to sleep in room one with Kain!" Dante whines, before adding, "He said he'd show me how to properly kill people!" "Shut the fuck up. You know you only wanna be in there because Nero's in there ya fucking whore," Miko says.

"It's not my fault he can't keep his hands off me," Dante replies. "That's not true!" Nero yells, pointing at Dante. "Then why so defensive?" Kain asks. "Who's side are you on?" Nero yells. "I don't know…And Dante's lying, I never said that," Kain responds. "Wow… He's actually paying attention," Raziel says. "Alright, off to bed. We're not sleeping in again so let's go," Waya tells the group. They all head off to bed hoping for a good days sleep…'cause…ya know…it's daytime. By the way…Dante of course, is forced by Waya to sleep in the bathroom, thinking only of Miko's….can't really say virginity…so something. She just thinks he's a pedophile and Sephiroth is afraid of being fondled while he sleeps not caring that Dante says he doesn't want him because Sephiroth is conceited and thinks of himself as dead sexy… no one's asked the mirror lately…

To Be Continued in Chapter Five

Waya: Looks like we won't be reaching Forks, Washington in this chapter. I honestly didn't think it would take this long

Nero: …I hate you all…

Dante: Nice ass…

Nero: ::punches Dante::

Dante: Hit me again… I like it rough ::perverted look::

Vergil: Gross…

Kain: Don't care or give a shit

Sephiroth: Yes! Intelligence! Please don't take it away!

Miko: …Nero, didn't you learn Dante likes it rough 'cause he's a whore… just kidding Dante, you know I love you

Nero: Yeah…but punching him makes me feel better…and it's fun…

Vergil: You can say that again

Nero: It's fun…. ::blank stare:: Why's everyone looking at me? Dante's staring at my ass again, isn't he?

Miko: Yeah…but we're looking cause you're an idiot…

Sephiroth: ….Cookies! …Damn you, Miko! And yeah…I was looking 'cause Dante was staring

Raziel: You should really turn around, Nero

Nero: I don't want to…

Miko: Oh, so you like him looking at your ass, I knew it…

Nero: No! I'd rather not see the look on his face, thank you

Raziel: Would you like a lamp?

Nero: Yes, please ::holds out his hand::

Dante: ::ducks behind Vincent::

Vincent: ::moves just as Nero throws the lamp::

Nero: ::unfortunately has bad aim and misses::

Dante: ::ducks::

Kain: …Nero likes bondage…

Dante: I'll keep that in mind… ::perverted look::

Miko: I bet you will…perv…

Nero: Stop reading my mind, Kain!

Everyone: o.O

Dante: Whoa… ::begins planning::

Kain: I was just kidding…

Nero: …Oh…

Vincent:…Can we just get on with the story? The faster we do that… the faster we'll finish, and the faster I can get home

Dante: ::complaining:: But I haven't had sex with Nero yet… ::begins fantasizing::

Nero: Don't hold your breath… no wait… yes, hold your breath… hold your breath until we have sex

Miko: ::cough cough:: Never ::cough cough::

Kain:… I never hated being able to read minds… until I was put in this fucking, god forsaken, idiotic story…

Raziel: Same here.

Waya:…Wow…On with the story! Wait…oops story's over….hehe…On with the next story! And p.s. all sex scenes will be censored. Ya'll u'll just have ta use ya imaginations 'cause none of us does porn…just comedy. 'Cause I mean…come on…Dante, Nero, drugs, and bondage is just fucking hilarious.


	8. Authoress' Note 2

Nero: ::is bored:: Well, here ya go; another pointless and useless Authoress' Note. Why? Because Waya has no life and has nothing better to do 'cause she's a nerd and—

Waya: Hey! Shut up, Nero! Just for that you're gonna get tied to a chair and stuck in a closet where Dante can have his way with you!!

Nero: ::……!:: What? No! I'm sorry!! No, Waya!!! ::is on his hands and knees begging::

Dante: Yeeeaaah ::is having censored thoughts::

Vincent: You know it's never going to happen

Vergil: I could really care less

Waya: Stop your whining, Nero! Everyone knows you want him

Nero: Who are you; Miko?

Kain: And apparently he likes bondage

Nero: Shut up, Kain!!

Waya: Oh! Ohohohohoh!! I talked with Miko and guess what? She said she does too!

Dante: I knew it!

Waya: With Missy!

Dante: I knew it!!

Vergil: ::tries to kill himself with Vincent's gun::

Vincent: ::does nothing to stop him::

Nero: ::takes the gun from Vergil::

Dante: ::gasps remembering Vergil's and Nero's argument from Chapter Six:: They are sleeping together… No fair Waya!

Nero: ::to Vergil:: Just for that smart ass comment you made in chapter six you can suffer with us!

Raziel: I dunno…

Dante: Okay… maybe not

Vergil: ::glares at Nero:: That's okay… I have a roll of rope…

Nero: ::pales and gives him back the gun::

Vergil: Eh, keep it; I don't feel like killing myself anymore

Nero: ::gives it back to Vincent and goes and hides in a corner now afraid of closets::

Dante: ::is planning dirty plans::

Kain: ::is trying to gouge out his brain with the Soul Reaver::

Raziel: ::is meditating::

Waya: ::is like 'wtf?'::

Vincent: This was your idea, Waya

Waya: Whoever told you all of my ideas were great… lied to you, Vincent

Vincent: …

Waya: Oookay… I think this thing's long enough

Vergil: ::seeking revenge helps Dante tie Nero to a chair and gag him::

Dante: ::drags Nero into the closet::

Nero: ::is silently, due to the fact that he's gagged, cursing Dante and Vergil in several different languages::

Waya: ::?:: Guess not… Where are Dante, Nero, and Vergil? ::suspicious::

Raziel: Here Vergil comes, maybe he knows where Dante and Nero are?

Waya: Hey Vergil?

Vergil: Hmm?

Waya: Where are Nero and Dante? ::still suspicious::

Vergil: I dunno

Waya: You're lying

Vergil: Yes but pointing that out isn't going to give you your answer

Raziel: ::………!:: Nope… ::………?…………!:: Closet!!

Waya: ::!:: Oh shit! …… Sux for Nero

Vincent: So much for it never happening…

Waya: Actually I didn't plan this

Vergil: Hehe…

Raziel: ::to Waya:: You're not going to go help?

Waya: Him and Dante have been in there for how long now? Knowing Dante they already got really far aaand I don't feel like gouging out my eyes

Raziel: Knowing Nero he probably put up a really good fight :: says sadly like Nero passed away::

Sephiroth: ::?::

Kain: Who died?

Raziel: Nero's in a broom closet with Dante

Kain: Finally gave in, eh?

Raziel: What?

Kain: Nuthin… hehe…

Raziel: ::?::

Nero: ::escaped the closet:: You guys suck!!

Dante: ::is happy because he almost slept with Nero::

Nero: ::looks like someone who got attacked by a group of fan girls::

Waya: Hey! You escaped!

Kain: How?

Nero: A giant chicken helped! …but don't ask me why …and you guys SUCK!!!

Kain: Dante

Vergil: Duh ::to Kain's statement about Dante, not himself, just to clarify::

Raziel: …::missed the clarifying part::

Waya: Ew…::also missed the clarifying part::

Nero: ::to Vergil:: I can't believe you helped Dante tie me to a chair!!!

Waya: Ahhh… That's what happened ::light bulb over head moment::

Dante: What happened?

Nero: ::!:: You stay the FUCK away from me!!

Vergil: ::kicks roll of rope under the couch::

Kain: ::snickers::

Raziel: What's so funny?

Kain: ::busts out laughing::

Vergil: ::?::

Vincent: I'm confused…

Kain: ::catches his breath and points at Nero:: He liked it!!

WayaVincentVergil&Raziel: ::!!::

Sephiroth: ::was forgotten again::

Dante: ::confused:: Really?

Nero: ::!!:: Shut the hell up Kain!! Oh my god!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!

Dante: If he liked it then how come he doesn't just sleep with me?

Waya&Vergil: ::bust out laughing::

Kain: I dunno

Nero: ::to Dante:: Because I don't like you!!

Kain: Liar. You think he's hot…

Nero: ::blushes:: Th-that's not true!!

Dante: ::says pervertedly:: Really?

Nero: ::still blushing:: N-no!

Dante: Aww… You're blushing…Cute…

Nero: ::blushing:: …

Waya: Wow… just… wow

Vincent: I was proven wrong

Sephiroth: ……Didn't see that coming!! ::walks away eating cookies::

Vergil: I feel good

Waya: Why; 'cause you tormented somebody?

Vergil: Yep! :::)::

Waya: You're never happy about anything… What the hell have you been smoking?

Vergil: I dunno ::stops to think::

Kain: Can I have some?

Vergil: ::?:: I don't smoke… anything

Waya: I dunno if that was your intention, Vergil, buuut that sounded really perverted and made me think of Dante

Vergil: ::shrugs and walks away::

Waya: Man I feel miserable! This cold's kickin my ass!

Nero: That's what you get!!

Waya: Shut yer face, Nero!

Nero: Why don't you just admit you wanna sleep with Vergil!!?

Vergil: ::?:: How did I get drugged into this?

Waya: Because I don't wanna sleep with Vergil!!

Everyone: ::looks at Kain::

Kain: ……I can't read her mind ::says like it's an obvious thing… which it's not::

Waya: And besides; I'd be too afraid of him turning sadistic during intercourse to actually wanna try it

Nero: …Good point

Waya: Yeah…

Vergil: ::wtf?::

Kain: You guys wanna know the best part?

Raziel: What?

Sephiroth: ::is sad 'cause he doesn't have a big part in this::

Kain: Vergil isn't just a masochist… he's also sadistic…

Waya: I knew it!!

Kain: He just prefers to be masochistic…

Vergil: ::doesn't really care that everyone knows:: Eh…

Dante: o.O Missed that second one…

Vergil: ::keeps a wary eye on Dante::

Dante: Don't give me that look, I never slept with you

Waya: You guys would be surprised to find what people write about you on the internet

Vergil&Dante: ::are grossed out::

Sephiroth: ::didn't get forgotten:: Ewww…

Vincent: ::has nothing to say so says:: …

Kain: ::thinks its all funny::

Raziel: ::does not agree with Kain and thinks incest is not, infact, funny::

Kain: ::now loves random Authoress' Notes::

Vergil: ::doesn't really care::

Dante: ::is furiously searching the internet::

Nero: ::still hates his life::

Dante: ::found what he was looking for:: Holy shit, Vergil! Waya was right!

Nero: Hah! That's what you two get!

Vergil: ::didn't believe Waya and now cares::……gross…

Dante: Heeey… They got stuff about Nero and me!

Nero: What!? No!! Don't look! It's not true!!! ::tries to take laptop away from Dante::

Dante: ::holds Nero back at arms length::

Raziel: Never thought I would see the day Dante tries to keep Nero away from himself…

Dante: You're right… ::grabs Nero and yanks him towards himself::

Nero: ::struggles:: Let go!!

Dante: ::pins Nero's arms to his sides while holding the laptop and still reading…wow…never thought Dante could multitask::

Nero: ::gives up struggling::

Dante: Hmmm…. I can get ideas from this!

Nero: ::light bulb over head moment; shoots the laptop… and Dante::

Dante: ::lets Nero go:: Ow! ::rubs arm:: That's okay; not only do we have a spare but I already got quite a few ideas

Nero: You touch me again and I swear I am going to kill you

Dante: If I touch you again you're gonna be too preoccupied to try and kill me

Nero: o.O

Waya: ::is grossed out::

Vergil: ::is reading stories Dante found while eating popcorn::

Dante&Nero: o.O

Waya: Give me that thing!! ::holds hand out to Vergil::

Vergil: ::moves laptop out of Waya's reach:: Hang on

Kain: ::is having loads of fun::

Sephiroth: ::is reading over Vergil's shoulder:: Gross! How the hell can you read that crap!!?!!

Vergil: ::shrugs::

Vincent: ::wants out, wants out now, is praying someone will read this and rescue him::

Vergil: There's stuff about all of us on here…

Raziel: Even me?

Vergil: Yep…

Raziel: I don't want to know, do I?

Vergil: Nope…

Everyone but Vergil and Waya: o.O

Waya: ::munches on Vergil's popcorn::

Vergil: ::snatches his popcorn away from Waya::

Waya: ::kicks him in his shin::

Vergil: ::rubs his leg:: Ow…

Waya: ::remembers Vergil's a masochist:: o.O Ew…

Vergil: Quit worrying; no matter what you do you can't turn me on

Kain: Oh damn, yo!

Raziel: Ouch…

Sephiroth: ::snickers quietly::

Waya: That's because you're saving yourself for Jacob and I'm sure Nero and Dante would be more than happy to tie you to a chair and leave you somewhere where Jacob could find you

Vergil: …I'm sorry… please don't tie me to a chair…not with Jacob…

Waya: Yeah, you're sorry now

Nero: ::is bouncing up and down:: Tie him to a chair! Tie him to a chair!! ::stops bouncing:: Wait… 'not with Jacob'? ::points at Vergil:: That means he wants you to tie him to a chair with someone else!!

Waya: O.o

Nero: Leroy? No. Alan? Definitely not. Hmmm… who?

Raziel: ::whispers:: Kain!

Kain: ::looks up:: Huh?

SephirothWayaDante&Nero: ::snicker::

Vincent: …

Vergil: ::munches on popcorn:: Aaanyway, Vincent's paired with quite a few people, so is Sephiroth

Vincent: Pleeeaaase keep shit like that to yourself

Sephiroth: Yay!... Wait… Ewwwwww!!

Nero: Hey! Don't change the subject!

Vergil: ::shrugs:: Whatever… Let's see… They've got… Kain and Raziel, Raziel and some guy named Janos—

Raziel: What?!

Kain: Gross! That'd be like sleeping with my own son!

Vergil: —Sephiroth and someone named Cloud, Sephiroth and someone named Zack, Sephiroth and someone named Genesis

Sephiroth: Ew… but I suppose it could be worse; it could have been with… someone else

Vergil: Vincent and someone named Cid, Vincent and someone named Yuffie, Vincent and Cloud, hmm… I think that's it for him

Vincent: …

Sephiroth: Haha! It could have been with Cid or Yuffie!

Nero: ::mumbles:: Who does Vergil like?

Vergil: Kain and someone named Vorador, Dante and I, Dante and Nero, aaand I think that's it

Everyone but Vergil and Waya… again: o.O

Waya: Told you so

Nero: Yeah, well, you read them

Waya: I was trying to find a walkthrough for a game when I found the website, okay?

Vergil: Suuure you were

Waya: Shut yer face, Vergil, that's why you're still a virgin

Vergil: … ::opens his mouth to respond but then closes it coming up with nothing::

Dante: Ooooh! She told you!

Kain: Damn!

Nero: Haha!

Vergil: ::to Waya:: I haven't found anyone who can pull my hair hard enough to turn me…

Waya: o.O…

Nero: ::whispers:: Ewwww……

Dante: ……uh…Yeah……o.O

Raziel: ……………I can't believe it……

Kain: Wow; you and Janos

Raziel: You slept with Vorador

Kain:……::!:: Vergil! Who the hell wrote that damn story about me and Vorador!!? I'm gonna kill them!

Vergil: ::is lounging on the couch:: I dunno…

Waya: I'm running out of ideas soooo, this is probably the last page… Till the next Authoress' Note!

Kain: ::can't wait::

Nero: ::is going to get tied to a chair again:: Wait… What?! Hey, get rid of that! ::and is going to like it:: Huh?! What the hell?! Am not! ::says you:: Shut the hell up! Who's typing this shit!!?

Kain: ::is typing:: Hehehe…


	9. Authoress' Note 3

Authoress' Note - 3 -

&Raziel: ::are hiding in a closet::

Jester(aka Leroy): Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt! ::?:: Huh? Where'd everyone go?

Nero: ::whispers:: Shh! He'll hear us!

Vergil: ::whispers:: Ouch! Whoever's on me… needs to get the fuck off

Nero: ::whispers:: Waya

Waya: Shut the hell up, Nero! It's not me! ::shoves Nero::

Nero: Whoa! ::lands on Dante::

Dante: Yeeeaaah

Raziel&Vergil: Shhhh!

Nero: ::whispers:: Dante, if that's your hand on my ass I'm breaking it…

Dante: ::yanks his hand back:: Oookay

Vincent: ::mumbles:: …ew…

Sephiroth: ::whimpers:: There's a spider on me…

Vincent: ::removes spider::

Kain: ::whispers:: I hate this Authoress' Note…

Raziel: ::whispers:: I thought you loved random Authoress' Notes

Sephiroth: ::whispers:: Who the hell invited the Jester?  
Waya: ::whispers:: Who the hell told the Jester where I live?

Vincent: ::whispers:: I thought Leroy already knew where you lived?

Waya: ::mumbles:: …oh right…

Raziel: ::whispers:: Leroy's the Jester?

Kain: ::whispers:: I thought we covered that in chapter five?

Raziel: ::whispers:: I thought you weren't paying attention?

Nero: ::whispers:: This closet's cramped…

Vergil: ::whispers:: You're telling me

Waya: ::whispers:: That's not Nero's ass…

Everyone but Waya: o.O

Dante: ::whispers:: Oops sorry Waya… There we go

Nero: ::punches Dante::

Kain: Turn on a damn light!

Raziel&Nero: ::whisper:: Shhhh!

Vincent: ::whispers:: Everyone, be quiet!

Nero: ::whispers in a panicky voice:: What! Whatwhatwhat!

Vincent: ::whispers:: Does anyone hear anything?

Everyone but Vincent: ::grows quiet and listens::

Dante: ::whispers:: No

Raziel: ::whispers:: Nothing

Sephiroth: ::whispers:: Cookies!

Kain: ::whispers:: Don't care

Vergil: ::whispers:: Nope

Waya: ::whispers:: No

Nero: ::yelps::

Dante: ::looks smug::

Nero: ::punches him::

Dante: ::whispers:: Yeouch

Vincent: ::whispers:: Exactly

Everyone: o.O

Vincent: ::whispers:: I was saying 'exactly' to the fact that no one can hear anything… not to what Dante said…

Everyone but Kain: ::whispers:: Oooooh

Kain: ::is sleeping::

Raziel: ::!:: ::mumbles:: Of course

Waya: ::whispers:: I don't get it

Nero: ::whispers:: I'm with Waya

Dante: ::is wishing he was in the closet alone with Nero::

Nero: ::is glad he's not in the closet alone with Dante::

Vergil: ::whispers:: It's too quiet

NeroDanteWaya&Sephiroth: ::!::

Kain: ::starts snoring:: ::mumbles:: Vae… Victus… ::yawns::

Raziel: ::whispers:: Maybe he's gone?

Vergil: ::?:: ::whispers:: Who's touching my ass?

Everyone: o.O

Waya: ::reaches for the light and turns it on::

Jester: ::to Vergil:: Me

Vergil: Do you mind?

Jester: Boo!

Everyone: ::screams::

Kain: ::snorts::

Everyone: ::tries to exit the closet at the exact time getting nowhere::

Waya: We all won't fit at the same time!

Nero: Leave Dante behind!

Dante: Leave me and Nero behind!

Waya: I say we leave Vergil

Nero: I second that!

Dante: Same here!

Vergil: o.O

Sephiroth: ::!:: I got it! ::runs right through a wall::

Everyone: o.O ::shrugs and follows::

Jester: ::also follows::

Kain: ::rolls over::

5

Minutes

Later

Waya: ::ditched Jester with everyone else:: Welcome to Authoress' Note #3!

Nero: Did we lose him?

Raziel: I don't see him…

Vergil: Doesn't mean he's not here

Waya: Where we're going to…do…I dunno…something

Vincent: …

Sephiroth: Cookies! Rule…

Dante: ::is planning… something…::

Raziel: What are you up to, Dante?

Dante: Nothing… ::hides plans behind his back::

Raziel: Whatever…

Waya: Something seems to be missing… ::thinks to self::

Vincent: …Kain…

Waya: ::?:: ::!:: We forgot Kain!  
Raziel: So?  
Nero: What he said; so?

Vergil: Is he still sleeping in the closet?

Back

To

The

Closet

Kain: ::continues to snore::

Back

To

Everyone

Else

Waya: Oh well…I made a grilled cheese sandwich while typing this Authoress' Note, you know; taking a break hoping for an idea, buuut my sandwich didn't grill so well…soooo…yeah

Raziel: At least you can cook better than Johnnie

Nero: So how did he catch that roll of paper towels on fire? It wasn't even touching the burner

Raziel: It wasn't even touching the stove

Dante: Not only that but when I went into the kitchen the paper towels spontaneously combusted, I swear! He didn't catch them on fire they exploded

Sephiroth: And that's why he's not allowed to cook!

Nero: How the hell do you catch a roll of paper towels, that aren't even touching the stove, on fire!

Vergil: …Magick…

Kain: Duh…

Nero: Shut your face, Kain!  
Vincent: …

Dante: Everyone knows Nero likes me—

Nero: Do not!

Dante: —and everyone knows I want to sleep with him so can we just sleep together already?

Nero: No!

Waya: There's your answer. Nero doesn't want to sleep with you so it'd be considered rape

Vincent: …

Waya: We have to get you more lines…

Vincent: …

Dante: ::to Waya:: Give me ten minutes with him and he'd say yes ::is having thoughts so dirty they're too dirty to be put here even censored… and yet they're still put up here… who knew?::

Nero: ::is in denial:: Yeah right!

Kain: Just for telling me to shut my face I'm now going to tell everyone what you were thinking in the closet—

Nero: NO!

Dante: Awesome!

Vincent: …ew…

Vergil: ::covers his ears:: I'm not listening!

Waya: Gross! No thank you!

Vergil: ::covers Waya's ears::

Waya: I'm not underage, you know

Raziel: ::leaves the room::

Sephiroth: ::stuffs cookies in his ears::

Kain: Who wants to know?

Dante: ME! I do! I do!

Nero: ::to Kain:: You tell him and I will hate you forever!

Vergil: You don't have to tell us; we already know he liked it…

Nero: Shut up Vergil! …Wait…You were reading my mind while Dante had me in the closet?

Vergil: o.O

Waya: ::can't hear 'cause listening to Bleed It Out by Linkin Park really, really, really loudly on her I-Pod::

Raziel: ::is thinking about investing in an I-Pod::

Kain: No but being reminded of it brought it into your thoughts

Nero: …Dammit! Wait… You can't read our minds unless we're thinking? Awesome!

Kain: Duh… Why do you think I can't read Waya's thoughts?

Nero: ::snickers::

Waya: Shut yer face, Kain!

Vincent: ::really, really, really wants out of this god forsaken, completely and totally idiotic, perverted, and down right insane story and is willing to go home with anyone… but may have to go through Waya to get him:: …I hate you, Waya

Waya: No you don't

Nero: ::hits the ground pathetically:: It's not truuuuuue!

Raziel: There, there, now… ::pats Nero's back::

Nero: …

Dante: ::bent over a piece of paper:: I can get Kain but Vergil might be harder…

Vergil: … ::takes a step away from Dante::

Dante: Vergil, if I were to bribe you… what would it take?  
Vergil: No

Dante: You don't even know what I'm going to say

Vergil: Something that includes those drugs you took in chapter five, right?

Nero: Drugs? What drugs?

Dante: Maaaaybe

Vergil: Hmph

Nero: What drugs!

Raziel: We're bringing those back?  
Nero: … I'm the only one that doesn't know, aren't I?

Kain: Yep!

Nero: I don't like you

Kain: I don't care

Nero: I don't give a shit

Kain: I don't… Dammit! ::stomps off::

Nero: Ha!

Waya: Wasn't as long as the second one but I'm out of ideas… See you all later!

Nero: ::gets kidnapped by Kain and tied to a chair:: What the? Hey, let me go!

Kain: I told you last Authoress' Note

Nero: Yeah? But I don't like it!

Kain: Not yet…

Nero: o.O

Dante: Yes!

Nero: No! Waya!

Dante: ::gags Nero:: Off to the closet!

Nero: Mmphff! ::aka 'Son of a bitch!'::

Waya: ::whines:: Not again!

Raziel: Rescue mission?

Waya: Don't feel like it…but we should shouldn't we?

Vergil: No…

Vincent: …

Waya: Hmmm…

Vergil: Really, we shouldn't

Waya: Shush Vergil, I'm thinking…

Vergil: I got paid a lot of money to talk Waya out of rescuing Nero so shut up, Raziel

Raziel: I didn't get paid anything so we should rescue him, Waya

Waya: ::is still thinking::

Sephiroth: ::got forgotten again:: How come I'm always forgotten when something perverted comes up?

Vincent: ::shrugs::

Narrator: Scene change!

Kain: He's still here?

Raziel: ::shrugs::

Narrator: To the closet!

Everyone: NOOOO!

Narrator: ::somehow, miraculously, gets tackled by Vergil::

Sephiroth: ::dressed as a cheerleader with pom poms:: Go Vergil!

Vergil: ::beats the Narrator down so he can't change the scene::

Waya: Hell yeah!

Kain: Whooo!

Vincent: …!

Raziel: Why is Sephiroth dressed like a cheerleader?

WayaKain&Vincent: ::?::

Vergil: ::continues to beat the Narrator::

Nero: ::is being molested in a closet and likes it::

Kain: ::typed that::

Dante: ::is molesting Nero in a closet::

Waya: ::is ending this Note… Now:: See you all later!

Nero: ::is forgotten and probably drugged by now because he's easier to molest when not tied to a chair::


	10. Road Trip continued

Authoress' Comments

Waya: Wow...after 12 pages we finally reach Forks, Washington

Narrator: You might as well get rid of me, too, with as many lines as you give me

Waya: Just didn't have the heart

Nero: Stop touching me!!!!

Dante: ::is groping Nero::

Vincent: ::is still moping in a corner::

Vergil: Eww......

Sephiroth: Yeah...eww......

Kain: I give up...we're going to the Bahamas...

Raziel: Didn't I already suggest that? You never pay attention...

Kain: ::is not paying attention::

Nero: ::punches Dante:: Hands off!!

Dante: ::rubs his face:: You know you love it, baby

Nero: Eww... ::shudders::

Raziel: I'd give you a lamp but we'd have a better chance of a blind mouse hitting Dante

Nero: I just won't throw it

Waya: I'd say 'On with the story!' but I don't think anyone's paying attention

Kain: ::is not paying attention::

Sephiroth: Finally! I have intelligence in the story!!!........Do I get to keep it?

Waya: For now......until 'Cookies!' becomes funny again...but I think we're on "Bondaaage' now

Dante: Do I get to drug Nero?

Waya: We're still debating that

Nero: Please no. Please no. Please no....

Dante: Yeeeaaah...

Nero: ................Why me?............

Waya: I'm not the one that had you on your back in that bedroom in DMC4

Dante: ::smiles::

Nero: Damn!...

WayaMiko&Dante: Bondaaage

Nero: Don't encourage him!

Sephiroth&Miko: ::snickers::

Vincent: What was I doing when Dante managed to put all of that....stuff....in my coat?

Waya: Apparently not paying attention

Vergil: We do that a lot in this story, don't we?

Kain: ::is not paying attention::

Miko: ::is not paying attention with Kain::

Waya: Apparently so......

Nero: Dante's touching me again!!! ::whines::

Waya: Get over it...

Dante: ::is touching Nero...in baaaad places::

Raziel: ::hits Dante with a lamp::

Nero: Thank you!! ::hugs Raziel::

Raziel: You're... welcome...?::O.o::

Kain: ::paying attention...give him a break, someone just got hit with a lamp:: Hey! You finally hit him with a lamp!

Nero: Yep...well Raziel did, anyway

Kain: ::not paying attention anymore::

Nero: Douche...

Raziel: ::nodding head in agreement

Waya: Disclaimer!! Let's see... Kain and Raziel to Eidos, Vergil, Dante, Nero, and Jester to Capcom, Vincent, Chaos, and Sephiroth to Square Enix, Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, Carlisle, Esme, and Jacob Black to Stephanie Mayer and I apologize if I spelled her name wrong. Now...on with the story! ::whispers:: ...Before Dante starts to get a bit too physical with Nero... ::stops whispering:: And welcome Johnnie back! Or not...hopefully not...he's not making another appearance after the bottle thing

Dante: Ouch...::remembering bottle + groin = pain, covering himself and keeping a wary eye on Waya::

Nero: Great...::sarcasm:: He's touching himself now

Miko: Ewww...

Waya: Bondaaage...NOW on with the next story...I hope ::shudders looking at Dante:: Ewww....

Dante: ::huffs:: I'm not groping myself! .....That's Nero's job...::perverted look::

Nero: ...::sobs::...

Raziel: ::pats him on the back::

Waya:...We're never getting to the story...::shakes her head in exasperation::

****************************************************************************************

Chapter Five

(I feel sorry for Edward, Bella, and the rest of the gang...gang?.....the hell? What is this? Scooby Doo?)

(Maaaaybe...)

(Shut the hell up!)

(Make me!)

(Don't make me come down there!)

(Don't make me come up there!)

Waya&Miko: o.O

Characters

*Waya (1) hopes Kain gives Edward a good beating so he's not such a pansy) (8) doesn't like all the bitching and moaning)

*Miko (2) does not infact think Waya is funny... Edward is not a fucking pansy... did you even read the fucking books?) (7) doesn't want physical violence...verbal's o.k. though)

*Narrator (13) doesn't have many lines)

*Kain (Legacy of Kain: Defiance) (3) does infact think Waya's funny)

*Raziel (Legacy of Kain: Defiance) (12) is clueless)

*Vergil (Devil May Cry 3) (11) takes Kain's line and doesn't care)

*Dante (Devil May Cry 3) (4) wants Nero and Jacob....and Edward and Emmett and Jasper...but not Vincent) (9) wants Nero to moan)

*Nero (Devil May Cry 4) (6) hopes Jacob beats Dante's ass cause Waya and Miko... well Miko won't let him do it) (10) eww...)

*Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII) (8) likes cookies...though will never admit it...unless intelligence is taken away but then will deny it)

*Vincent (Final Fantasy VII) (5) is grateful Dante doesn't want him)

*Chaos (Vincent's Mind) (14) is bored...)

Jester (15) is Leroy)

Edward

Bella

Emmett

Rosalie

Jasper

Alice

Carlisle

Esme

Jacob Black

Waya: Seriously now...on with the story...

In Little Hotel In Forks, Washington

4:00 pm...sharp...Alice is a perfectionist... Kain doesn't care

At 4:00 pm sharp everyone is dressed, Dante, and standing out by the car. "..." Vincent says when he reads that line. "Eww," Nero says looking at Dante, after reading the line. "What, I can't shower? (while thinking of Nero)," Dante says. "I need a cigarette..." Miko says, searching behind Vincent's cape. Vincent just stands there saying, "...they're to the left..." "Found them," she replies taking one and putting it in her mouth and lighting it up, "That feels so much better..." she sighs. "I can make you feel better," Dante whispers to Nero. "You can...and are making me feel sick," Nero replies walking away from him this time not knocking over Virgin... I mean Vergil. The writer would have gotten punched for that...had she not been the writer.

Said writer begins to lick her cleavage... while typing, out of boredom who is Miko and not Waya. With Nero grossed out, along with everyone else except Dante... because Dante obviously enjoys weird random perverted things ::cough cough:: whore ::cough cough:: because they give him ideas, poor Nero, Vergil climbs into the drivers seat, "Are you really gonna let him drive?" Miko asks...while everyone looks at her in hesitation. "If you're scared, you can sit in my lap," Dante whispers pervertedly to Nero, who proceeds to smack him upside the head and climbs into the van...as he's climbing in though, Dante smacks his ass. Finally pushing Nero to his limit (damn... his limit is far...) Nero turns around and double kicks him in the face. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH....SHIT!" Everyone exclaims watching eager for more right before Dante flies into Waya knocking her into Kain so on and so forth making everyone fall like dominoes. Sweet shit man.

"Whoops... that's gotta hurt," Nero says turning to slide sideways into the van. "Did you at least hit Dante this time?" Vergil asks Nero. "YES!!!!1!!!!! And damn did it feel amazing... and fun. I'm actually happy, for the first time since being forced into this story," Nero responds with a smile on his face. Yes, that's right... a fucking smile... way to go Nero! Until Dante climbs into the van... well not climb... he's crawling... slowly... saying "Ow..." Waya, being impatient, kicks his ass... you know... to give him more motivation. "You're lucky it was you doing that... or I would have told you 'I like it rough,'" Dante whimpers. "If you had said that, I would have pulled out Johnnie. Now move it!" Waya simply replies...no attitude... no sarcasm... completely and utterly calm....strange... hmph!

With everyone in the van, and seated as before, Vergil starts the engine. Apparently... not noticing it before due to Vergil using the emergency brake to park, Sephiroth fucked up the brakes and now we have none. So, when a light turn's red, Vergil attempts to brake, finds out they don't work, thinks "Fuck," and stomps on the gas to get through the intersection. "The fuck? Why didn't you fucking stop!?" Waya yells. "...Brakes don't work," Vergil answers calmly. "So you speed up?" Miko yells. "...I didn't want to get hit by on coming traffic... besides... I got this," Vergil says... obviously thinking he's beast. "There was no on coming traffic," Waya then says... severely pissed. "Not to mention, now we can't slow down, so when we need to... WE'RE FUCKED!!!!!1!!!!!" "What happened to her not yelling... I was liking that side of her..." Dante whispers to no one in particular. "...You should have known that wasn't going to last long..." Sephiroth remarks. "Obviously... that side never existed," Raziel responds to the both of them. "...OMG! I have intelligence!" Sephiroth says causing everyone... including Vergil, to look at him. This act causes Vergil to steer of the road and into the woods. "...So where are you taking us, Vergil?" asks numerous parties in the van. "Um... I didn't actually plan to do this... so I really don't know.... And at this point, I don't care either." Vergil answers... still calm. "You should probably avoid that tree," Vincent advises him quite calmly. "Wanna touch my sword?" Dante asks Nero. "...Eh... maybe later." Nero replies, surprising even himself. Nero's thoughts, 'So why am I not punching him?' Dante's thoughts, '::censored::'

"Something's wrong..." Waya says. "I have no desire to hit Dante with Johnnie..." "And I have no desire to kill anyone..." Kain says. In the back no one pays attention as Vincent pulls out some kind of leather...thing from behind his cape. "What the hell is this?" he asks himself before throwing it out the window smacking some innocent Morman riding his bike in the face, knocking him off. Said Morman gets eaten by giant brain eating zombie bunnies. Then, as though the gears clicked together finally, Miko says, "Hmm... I think... maybe... someone is...somehow... though I'm sure... it's impossible... I thought... well... obviously... nothing is impossible anymore... so it's quite likely... yes... yes... Sephy... I don't think we're in any kind of reality anymore." "...duh... I got intelligence," Sephiroth replies... making it even more apparent to Miko, that reality is for seriously... and forever... out the window... to say the least. Like Johnnie should have been, many times ago.

5:00 pm

"What's reality?" Vergil asks right before speeding out of the woods and crashing into a wedding. Only to be stopped by none other than... Edward. Opening the doors... the LoEI file out. "LET'S DO IT AGAIN!" Dante shouts. "...Lets not and say we did." Miko responds bewildered. "First thing we're doing... getting those brakes fixed... and then getting Vergil driving lessons... and lastly, Miko... when we get home... we are splurging on a psychiatrist. This shit's getting way out of hand." Miko nods agreeing with her, unable to talk. "Dante stop touching meeee! Waya, make him stop touching me," Nero whines. "...I have one word...Bondage," Dante replies pulling out a leather... something from Vincent's cape. Everyone... and I mean EVERYONE looks at Vincent, who proceeds to rip off his cape and suddenly begins to shake it. Next thing you know... a whole shit load of leather and chain somethings fall to the ground. "...That's...um... not mine..." Vincent says with a shaky voice. Everyone, who knows better, turns to look at Dante. "I think we interrupted someone's wedding..." Vergil says. "Don't care... no no no, wait... don't give a shit." Kain says. "You will when I tell you we aren't making it to Disney World," Raziel tells him. "... ... ... WHAT?!?!?!" Kain yells dropping what ever he was holding. "Bondage?" Dante asks Nero. "Yeah...wait! NO!!" Nero responds as the question sinks in because he was distracted by Kain yelling. "..." Vincent says refusing to put all that... shit back in his cape. "Well we can't leave it here," Waya tells him. "Why not? Easy access..." Dante replies. "Why did I not see this coming...?" Alice remarks confused and annoyed. "Because......we don't actually exist," Raziel politely tells her.

5:12 pm

"Bondaaage..." Dante says. Edward, standing closest to Dante, backs away in fear having heard what's in Dante's thoughts taking pity on the guy called Nero. Edward's thoughts, 'Poor guy...' Nero's thoughts, '................help.....somebody....anybody....' Inside Miko's brain, (yes, she's hallucinating) Jester pops out of Vincent's cape and sings, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on your buuutt!"' Edward's thoughts, '............' "Did you forget to take your medication this morning?" Edward asks Miko. "What medication?" she replies remembering Edward can read her mind. Edward just backs away slowly. Out loud Miko says, "Fuck..." "Nero!" Dante says finishing her sentence adding, "With bondaaage," Miko looks at him, thinks for a minute and says, "Gross..." then walks away. "That's not what you told Missy!" he calls after her. She whips around points at Dante and says, "Actually, as a matter of fucking fact mister fucking nosy I did say gross to Missy when she suggested bondage, and maybe if you would mind your own fucking business I wouldn't be yelling at you right now!...No wait, I would. Ya fucking douche bag mother fucking cock sucking perverted dick." Whoa. "... ... that's nice... ... have you seen Nero?" Dante asks, holding two leather...somethings, with Vincent still shaking out his cape in the background. Aggravated and annoyed Miko stomps away, only to be stopped in her tracks as she spots the Jester slipping out of the back of the van. Thinking she's hallucinating... again... she looks around to see if anyone else noticed. Vincent is too busy still shaking out his cape. Nero is too busy being grossed out by Dante and Dante is too busy grossing out Nero. Kain probably doesn't give a shit so if he did notice he wouldn't warn anybody. Waya is too busy trying to gather up all of Dante's bondage shit until Vincent says to her, "You don't know where any of this stuff's been... You should probably put it down..." "Ewww..." she replies dropping all of his shit. Vergil, forgetting something in the van, goes back to get it just as the Jester decides to follow.

5:14 pm

As he bends over because his glasses fell down onto the floor, the Jester sings under his breath, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt," before landing a good nice hard kinky slap to Vergil's ass. Wow, foreplay... brings him one step closer to losing his verginity and yes virginity is spelled with an e...for Vergil. _I don't think he wanted that kind of foreplay. _Oh well. Dropping his glasses Vergil let's out a high pitched scream rivaling Leroy, before turning around and bitch slapping that gay ass look off the Jester's face......ya know what...he knocks off the Jester's face. Said Jester's head explodes and confetti comes out.

To The Cullen's

5:10 pm

"I think someone put crack in our water," Emmett says. "No...I would have seen that coming," Alice replies. "Well you didn't see them coming," Edward tells her. "Bondaaage!" Dante yells in the background. "... ...I agree with Emmett," Bella says. "Well I'm sorry... I wasn't looking for crazy people," Alice snaps at Edward. All eyes turn to the group of said crazy people. "We should really think about getting the humans out of here, I don't trust that guy," Edward says pointing to a guy who looks like he has really, and We do mean, really bad case of skin cancer (and yes We is capitalized because we're Goddesses). "Why?" Alice asks. "Well if you could see what he's thinking-" Edward begins. "Well, unfortunately for me I can't see what he's thinking, I'm not you, Edward. So why don't you just tell me," Alice interrupts.

"Well, apparently he's a vampire, the evilest of sorts, worse than Victoria and Caius combined, and he hasn't fed in a while," Edward explains. Pointing to the girl helping the guy empty out what appears to be a magical cape he says, "Her fault, apparently she told him there was to be no killing on their road trip to California which, due to recent setbacks, California's no longer their destination." Telling all the humans the wedding will have to wait they remove them from the premises.

5:14 pm

The Cullens' interlude is suddenly interrupted by a girl screaming in terror. Edward begins to look around for poor little innocent screaming girl. Searching through people's minds he finds out the innocent screaming girl is not in fact a girl....or innocent but is a man who's just been slapped on the ass by a Jester. "...Ew..." he says turning to Bella. "Our wedding has been destroyed, Bella. I'm so sorry, love." Happy on the inside but not showing it on the out she says, "Its okay. We'll just go to Vegas." Alice hears, gets pissed off, and stomps away...just not towards the group of crazy people.

Jacob comes running through the woods hoping to save the poor innocent screaming girl before something bad happens to her... unfortunately for him... Vergil already saved himself. "Oops...This is Bella and the bloodsucker's wedding...." he says stomping towards Edward and Bella to tell Bella not to marry Edward until something catches the corner of his eye. Looking over to see what it was he spots Vergil... ...birds sing......shitty music plays.......and Jacob imprints. Standing there he gets the dumbest look on his face with little hearts in his eyes. 'COVER YOUR EYES!!!' a voice in the back of his head says. 'DON'T LOOK!!! COVER YOUR EYES!!!' Paying heed to the voice Jacob covers his eyes mumbling, "....aw shit....aw shit....aww shit....not good..."

Spotting Jacob, Bella decides to go talk to him. "Bella? Where are you going?" Edward asks her as she walks away. "I'm going to go talk to Jacob," she answers. Edward narrows his eyes before widening them in fear saying, "Be careful!" as she walks a bit too close to Kain for his liking. Kain, looking at a map, says, "...eww..." as he sniffs the air then, not really giving a shit, goes back to his map. Arriving to her destination, Jacob, she asks him, "Jacob, what are you doing here?" Silence. "Are you okay?" she asks him. "...No..." he responds in a monotone voice. "Is this about me marrying Edward?" she asks him...again...damn! What's with all the questions! "Believe it or not, not everything is about you," he snaps, aggravated with himself as Vergil runs his fingers through his hair. "...so beautiful..." Jacob says before shaking his head and saying, "...eww..." Bella looks in the direction Jacob is looking and asks, "Are you looking at that guy?" "Shut up, Bella," Jacob says. "Oh my god...you are!" she replies.

"He's what?!" Edward asks coming up behind Bella before saying, "Well Bella, Jacob's finally imprinted...fortunately for him... on somebody who's not you," Edward says. Because we're eating gum and thinking everyone pulls out some gum.............Kain says, "Eww..." As Nero blows a bubble Dante asks "Wouldn't you rather blow me?" Nero sobs as he curses the writers. Kain says, "Eww..." yet again. Raziel comforts Nero...no homo. Nero vows to never chew gum again as he spits the gum out at Dante. "Why do you have to spit? Wouldn't you rather swallow?" Dante asks him. Helping Vincent pick up all of the... things...Dante put in Vincent's cape Waya over hears Dante being REALLY perverted. Putting on a rubber glove Waya picks up a very large purple dildo and throws it at the back of Dante's head. Having better aim than Nero she actually hits him.

"Ooh...I likes it rough," Dante says not really paying attention to who threw it. "Johnnie..." Waya says coming up behind him. "Oh shit!" he says bending over and covering himself. Then suddenly the Jester pops up, sings, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt," under his breath and lands a nice hard kinky slap to Kain's ass just as he bends over to pick up the map he dropped. ...The fuck? Ewwwww! Kain? Gross...... Turning around Kain spots the Jester and...~censored~ Returning to his map while it's still on the ground not chancing to pick it up the Jester lays on the ground in a bloody heap, arms twitching and everything. "Ewww..." Raziel says. Going back to Vergil and Jacob...let's see what happens. ::rubs hands together:: This should be good. Jacob stands 2 yards from Vergil arguing with himself over whether or not he should talk to him. "I can't do it or that'll mean I'm gay...but he's so beautiful...shut up..." Jacob mutters to himself as he bites his lip and his hand starts to move down to his....yeah....~censored~ "Ewww!" he yells yanking his hand out. Bella passes out. Scooping up Bella Edward says, "If I could still do human things to show my disgust, I would," before walking off with Bella in his arms.

5:33 pm

Singing, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt," under his breath the Jester begins to look for a new target. Spotting Rosalie looking at the ice sculpture she made wondering who removed one of her fingers (Jacob) and put it on her crotch making it look like she has a penis...gross. I knew she was a man, the Jester begins to plot. Then suddenly lands a nice hard kinky slap to Rosalie's ass causing her to scream. Hearing Rosalie scream Emmett comes running and both of them proceed to pound the Jester into the ground. Jacob proceeds to try and kill himself by kissing Bella hoping Edward would kill him. Edward goes to kill him until Bella says, "Don't. It's not worth it." Sephiroth comes dancing by singing, "I've got intelligence!" as Edward, Bella, and Jacob just stare.

Debating whether or not to spank Raziel, deciding against it the Jester chooses the crazy guy running around yelling about how he got intelligence. Debating whether or not he should bend down to pick up the shiny object on the ground Sephiroth looks around for the Jester. Not seeing him Sephiroth bends down and the Jester lands a nice hard kinky slap to his ass. Sephiroth turns around, pulls out his Masamune and proceeds to shank him furiously. Jester explodes in a cloud of confetti. Finally getting all of the....stuff....in one bag Waya proceeds to help Vincent fix the car. "That doesn't go like that..." Chaos tells him. "..." Vincent responds. "Are we doing it right?" Waya asks. "...I have no idea..." Vincent replies. Yelping because Dante grabbed his ass Nero turns around and kicks him in between the legs finally figuring out punching him doesn't work. Dante falls to the ground. "Good job," Raziel tells him. "Thanks!" he responds.

Finally deciding to move Vergil begins walking to the front of the van to give Waya and Vincent a hand as Miko and Sephiroth talk cookie close by. Deciding everyone gets it the Jester proceeds to locate Raziel. Finding him the Jester starts to sing, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt," under his breath just as Raziel decided to bend down and pick up the map Kain refused to pick up. Landing a nice hard kinky slap to where Raziel's ass is supposed to be Raziel turns around, summons the Reaver, and all around massacres said ass spanking Jester.

As Alice pouts about the wedding she spent two months on being destroyed the Jester sneaks up behind her, raises his hand, and sings, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt," under his breath before landing a nice hard kinky slap. Sighing Alice turns around and punches him in his big ugly nose sprinting over to Edward and Bella. "This is ridicules aaand I'm going home," Alice tells them. "Right behind you," Edward says. As Bella proceeds to climb on his back the Jester sings, "Jester's gonna spank your butt. Spank you on the buuutt," before landing a nice hard kinky slap to Edward and Bella causing Edward to jump and take off really really really fast with Bella barely hanging on.

Finally reaching Vergil, Jacob bites his nails in a very girly way saying, "Hiii...I'm Jacob....eww." "............Umm...yeah. I'm Vergil...now go away," Vergil responds only for both of them to be distracted as the Jester lands a nice hard kinky slap to Vincent's ass causing him to yelp. Freaking out, thinking someone is hurt, Waya bangs her head on the hood of the van. "Fuck!" she says rubbing her head as Vincent transforms into Chaos and rips the Jester apart. "You've been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooooth criminal," Dante sings. "I thought I said 'no killing on this roadtrip'! How many times have ya'll killed the Jester!?" Waya asks the group, angry that they didn't listen. Kain, Raziel, Vincent, and Sephiroth all raise their hands. "But he doesn't count..." Vincent says. "Okay...I can work with that," Waya responds going back to working on the van.

5:57 pm

Then suddenly, just as Vergil bent over to look under the hood like Waya asked, the Jester once again appears and once again lands a nice hard kinky slap to Vergil's ass who proceeds to, not slap, but all around rip apart the Jester with his bare hands. Rubbing his ass he says, "Ouch..." as Jacob begins to drool. "Nero!" Dante calls for the millionth time as Nero hides in Vincent's cape. The Jester spots another (how the hell does he keep getting back up?) victim to spank. Jasper sits minding his own business trying to calm himself down. Hoping Alice's shining face will he stands up only for the Jester to land a nice hard kinky slap to his ass. Sitting right back down he mumbles, "I saw that coming...I might not be Alice but I saw that coming," refusing to move for the rest of the day.

While drooling over Vergil the Jester comes around and lands a nice hard kinky slap to Jacob's ass. Never averting his eyes from Vergil, Jacob punches the Jester in the face and continues to drool over Vergil. Vergil is clueless. Waya notices Jacob drooling over Vergil but doesn't really give a shit so doesn't do anything as Miko and Sephiroth decide, in cookie language, where they can get some cookies. Getting bored (and secretly missing Dante) Nero decides to come out of hiding. Giving Jacob a weird stare as he comes by Nero goes over to help Waya, Vincent, and Vergil with the car. How many people does it take to fix this damn van!?

Poor Nero...shoulda stayed in Vincent's cape a little while longer...but oh well. The Jester spots Nero. Nero bends over to check under the hood like Waya asked. Jester's thoughts, 'Hand. Ass.' Before Nero knows what hits him... the Jester hits him... landing a nice hard kinky slap to Nero's ass causing him to scream. "How come he gets to spank Nero? .....That's my property!" Dante yells running over to join only for the Jester to land a nice hard kinky slap to Dante's ass. Not really caring that the Jester spanked his ass Dante begins to pound him into the ground for placing his hands on property that obviously belongs to Dante though Nero will disagree.

Jester... not feeling like his goal has been reached quite yet, searches for his next victim. Spotting Miko, who happens to be bending over to pick up her lighter that she dropped, with a little song and dance he pops over and lands a nice hard kinky slap right on her right ass cheek. "...damn it..."she mutters. "Told ya..." Sephiroth tells her sarcastically. Then her and Sephiroth proceed to beat the Jester into the ground as Waya and Nero laugh their asses off while Jacob still drools over Vergil who's now finally noticed. "...ewww..." Vergil says, his thoughts being, 'He's......hot....Damn you DANTE!!!!.....'

Bending over to pick up his medicine bag the Jester lands a nice hard kinky slap to Carlisle's ass. Carlisle turns around and seizing the opportunity Dante steals a vial out of his bag as Carlisle looks at the Jester, shakes his head, grabs his bag as Dante stands there whistling innocently, and walks away. Vergil beats his head against the van trying to remove thoughts that he doesn't want. "Damn wolf imprinting bullshit," Jacob mutters. "What?" Vergil asks him. ".......nothing......." Jacob replies coyly. "...idiot...' Vergil mumbles taking a step towards him meaning to step back.

The Jester's on the move...there are still people to be spanked...and he's gonna get them...like Emmett. Emmett, not paying attention, gets a nice hard kinky slap to the ass. "Emmett's gonna punch your face. Punch you in the face," Emmett sings punching the Jester in the face sending him flying. Sheyat...... "Who the fuck do you think you're calling an idiot?" Jacob growls while taking a step towards Vergil. "You..." Vergil replies, glaring while taking a step closer to Jacob. "If it wasn't for the fact that your so fuckiing beautiful I would punch your face in," Jacob says stepping closer. Looking up into Jacob's eyes Vergil says, "Well if it wasn't for the fact that you're so fucking hot I'd snap you like a fucking twig," clenching his teeth. Staring into each other's eyes they both say, "Gross..." as Jacob suddenly reaches his hand behind Vergil's back grabbing a hold of his neck and pulls Vergil towards himself. ....this isn't comedy...just porn...ewww... Responding to this, Vergil entangles his hands in Jacob's hair. As soon as their lips touch they pull away saying, "Eww..." wiping their mouths before going back for more. "Vergil's getting action!" Dante yells, pointing at Vergil and Jacob. "What?" Nero asks leaning around Dante to look. "..." he says to the sight he saw. "I'd say 'I don't care' but that's just gross..." Kain says.

"Oh my...this can't end well for the writers..." Raziel mutters. "...can't...turn away...too...gross..." Vincent says, trying to turn away but can't and turns green. "What?!" Waya says, shocked, banging her head on the hood of the car again in her hurry to look. "What. The. Fuck..." she says. "I thought Dante was just being a smart ass..." she adds. "That's so not cool, dude," Miko says to Sephiroth. "No not at all," he responds. "Sephy, I'm scared," she tells him. "Yeah...me too," he agrees. "Let's just...walk away," Miko says grabbing on to Sephiroth's hand. "Yeah...I agree. Let's go," he replies pulling her along.

"Come along, Vergil. Van's fixed. Let's go," Waya tells Vergil. Jacob whines and Vergil gives him an evil 'I'm going to kill you but not really because I love you but I will fantasize about killing you' look. Refusing to remove his hands from Jacob's hair Vergil tells Waya, "You're going to have to help me..." "Alright, I'll get Dante with a crowbar," Waya tells him. "No way!" Dante says. "I can't break up true love," he finishes. "I can," Nero says holding up a crowbar he got from out of Vincent's cape. After prying Vergil off of Jacob. As Vergil turns to leave Jacob grabs him to kiss him goodbye. After they both say, "Eww..." Vergil adds, "You just couldn't let me keep my dignity, could you?" climbing into the van along with everyone else as Jacob runs off. Nero sits in the driver's seat, obviously driving, after Sephiroth gets them lost and Vergil almost kills them, and the LoEI head home.

The End

****************************************************************************************

Waya: Even though it was her idea, Miko thought Jacob and Vergil was just too creepy so we had to end the chapter...sorry porn freaks, no sex scene.

Miko: Shut up douche. You know it was creepy and I doubt the porn freaks really care about a werewolf and a demon getting it on...

Waya: You never know

Vergil: I will kill you both...

Dante: What was it like?

Vergil: I. Never. Slept. With. Him!

Dante: 'Course you didn't...

Vergil: ::picks up a lamp::

Nero: Oh, oh, oh! Let me! Let me!

Jacob: Gross...!

Dante: What was it like?

Jacob: ::googly eyed:: Amazing ...ewww...gross

Vergil: Wait...what? We never slept together!

Dante: I was talking about the lip action ya'll had going on...but if you want to go into detail that's fine by me

Vergil: Dude, I'm your fucking brother, now shut the fuck up!

Dante: Sex is sex..

Miko: Money's money ::remembering the girl scouts::

Kain: ::laughs also remembering the girl scouts::

Vergil: o.O

Nero: That's...yeah...umm...yeah...eww...::is disturbed::

Raziel: ... ... ... ... ... ...Yeah... ... ... ...

Vincent: ...

Sephiroth: Take it away!! Take away my intelligence!!! I can't block out the images!!!

Dante: Wanna share?

Sephiroth: o.O

Waya: Yeah...eww...

Narrator: Can you get rid of me now?

Chaos: ::wishes he wasn't stuck in Vincent's head::

Dante: Hey, Miko...I have a favor to ask...but it'll have to wait...

Miko: Whatever it is it'll cost a thousand dollars

Dante: Well I can't tell you out loud so I'll txt you ::text's Miko::

Miko: ::receives txt as phone rings 'I... am not... a whore...I... am not... a whore...I... am not... a whore...but I like to do it!'::

Everyone but Dante: ::laughs::

Waya: Till next chapter! Bye!

Dante: Well it's true...

UPDATE

Waya: And now that I look back on it the whole Jacob and Vergil thing wasn't even funny, to tell the truth I never really thought it was, unlike Dante and Nero which actually turned out to be entertaining for a while until the routine became so intregrated into our story I just didn't have the heart to remove it ::shakes head sadly::

Nero: ::mumbles:: Bitch...

Waya: I heard that -.-

Nero: :x


	11. Short Authoress' Note 2

Nero: It's short but not as short as the first one, see?

Dante: And Nero's not the only one in it ::insert dirty thought here::

Nero: And it's not going to be about us having sex! ……So go away!!!

Dante: Is too! Get over here! ::grabs Nero::

Nero: ::screams like a girl::

Waya: ::enters and says to the audience:: I have something to tell you all!

Audience: ::stare and drool::

Waya: ……Dante's molesting Nero behind me isn't he? ::turns around:: Cut it— ::!:: Ahhh! My eyes! ::covers her eyes and passes out::

Vincent: …

Dante&Nero: ::we'll not go into detail about them::

Raziel: Aaanyway, Waya recently spoke to Miko. The only reason Miko went to New York was for Missy and Missy just dumped her so Miko might be moving back to Virginia… that is all

Vincent: ::glances at Dante and Nero:: I'm scared… can I go?

Raziel: Yeah… let's go… ::grabs Waya and drags her away::

Dante&Nero: ::got left behind for obvious reasons::

Kain: ::is being perverted and taking pictures of Dante and Nero… to use as blackmail against Nero later::


	12. Authoress' Note 4

Waya: ::in an announcer type voice:: Welcome to Authoress' Note # ……::announcer voice stops:: What # are we on?

Vincent: ...4

Waya: ::clears throat and continues in announcer type voice:: Welcome to Authoress' Note #4! Where we will have a guest appearance!

Nero: Another one?

Dante: Who was the last one?

Nero: ::shrugs:: Don't remember

Kain: Don't care

Vergil: Great! ::sarcasm::

Raziel: Who?

Waya: ::announcer type voice returns:: A long time friend of Miko, his name's Chris! He had sex with a guy because he was bi-curious! Which makes him… ::announcer voice leaves:: I dunno… I think he still likes girls but I'm not sure… Oh well… ::announcer voice:: Which makes him bisexual and, don't ask me why we were talking about this but he said he would soooo do Dante! ::announcer voice stops:: I think we were talking about DMC4 and he just popped off with that

Vergil: …ew…

Nero: This Chris guy's got bad taste

Kain: Only because you prefer Vergil

Nero: Shut up! That's not true!

Vergil: o.O

Raziel: ::whispers:: Vergil prefers Jacob!

Nero&Kain: ::snicker::

Dante: ::to Waya:: Is he doable?

Waya: ::announcer voice:: You can probably work around it!

Dante: Then he's ugly?

Waya: ::announcer voice:: No but he's—

Nero: Waya! Cut it out! That's annoying!

Waya: ::announcer voice gone:: Sorry… He's not ugly but he's not… I dunno… Johnny Depp hot? Yeah that'll work

Dante: Does this mean I'm gonna get laid finally?

Waya: I guess

Dante: Yes!

Nero: Does this mean I won't get tied to a chair anymore?

Waya: For now…

Nero: Good enough for me!

Sephiroth:………I'm not so good with the perverted things… yeah

Vincent: Just say what I say; …

Sephiroth: … Like that?

Vincent: Close enough

Vergil: Close enough? I don't see a difference!

Raziel: It's better not to dwell, Vergil

Sephiroth&Vincent: …

Raziel: So when will he make an appearance?

Waya: I dunno, sometime in Chapter Seven?

Vergil: Now that I think about it we forgot Nero in the closet in the last note…

Sephiroth: Does that mean him and Dante had sex?

Raziel: …I have no idea and I'd rather not think on it

Vergil: ……yeah, I'm with Raziel on this one

Kain: ::busts out laughing::

Raziel: What's so funny?

Vergil: Something perverted probably

Kain: ::catches his breath:: Nothing, nothing

Vergil: Definitely something perverted

Vincent&Sephiroth: …

Nero: Me and Dante did not have sex!!

Dante: Whatever you have to tell yourself, hon

Nero: We did NOT have SEX!!! ……and don't call me 'hon'!

Dante: Whatever you want, babe

Nero: Shut the hell up!!!

Raziel: He gave him a pet name…

Vergil: Sex definitely happened

Nero: Shut up, Vergil! It did not!!

Vincent&Sephiroth: …

Sephiroth: Ew…

Nero: ::to Vergil:: Just because the only thing you have on your mind is having sex with Jacob does not mean everyone else is sleeping together!!

Vergil: ……::clears his throat in an embarrassed way:: You had sex with Dante so just admit it

Nero: I DID NOT!!!!!!!!

Waya: ::is eating potato chips:: What's going on?

Vincent: ……Nero had sex with Dante

Waya: ::chokes on chips::

Sephiroth: ::pounds her back::

Nero: ::whining:: I did noooooot!!!!!!!!!!

Dante: How the hell would you know; you were drugged

Nero: ……W-was not! I-I mean I was!

Raziel: Were you or were you not? ::suspicious::

Nero: Uh…

Waya: ::still choking::

Dante: … ::!:: Oh shit! You okay, Waya?! ::pounds her back with Sephiroth::

Kain: ::!:: The drugs wore off in the middle of it!

Dante: ::confused:: …… Really?

Nero: N-no they didn't! Shut up Kain!!

Kain: Oh shit! Haha!

Nero: Stop reading my mind!!

Dante: With the sounds you were making I thought you were still drugged…

Waya: o.O ::passes out::

Nero: Sh-shut up! It's not true!! ……Oh my god!! It's true!!!!!

Vergil: ::covers ears:: Not listening! Lalalalala!

Raziel: Did… he just admit it?

Kain: ::is eating Waya's potato chips::

Vincent: ……Wow…

Sephiroth: Kain! You have to perform CPR on Waya! Quick!! ::grabs Kain and pulls him towards Waya::

Kain: ::is being dragged:: Wait… What?! Hell no!!

Sephiroth: You have to! Raziel can't!

Raziel: ::shrugs::

Kain: ::yanks his arm back:: Get someone else! You do it!

Sephiroth: I can't either!

Kain: …Why?

Sephiroth: I don't know!

Kain: o.O

Dante: I'll do it ::pervertedly::

Raziel: I don't think that would be wise…

Vergil: For all that shit she said to me she can suffocate

Vincent: ::sighs:: All right, out of the way, move Sephiroth ::kneels down by Waya and crouches over her::

Waya: ::wakes up:: The hell?!

Vincent: ::stands up:: There; she didn't need CPR…

Waya: CPR? I wasn't suffocating I passed out!

Vergil: You missed it ::rubbing it in::

Waya: Missed what?

Nero: It's not true!! Kain typed that!

Dante: You're only fooling yourself

Nero: No really! It isn't true! ……I think…

Dante: Just admit it

Nero: If it's true then how come at the beginning of this note you asked Waya if you were finally going to get laid?

Dante: I forgot I had sex with you

Nero: ……Oh so that's how it is… You fuck me and then completely forget about it, huh?

Dante: Ha! You admitted it!

Nero: What? …NO!!! It's not true!! Erase that! Get rid of it!!

Dante: Nuh uh! You admitted it

Nero: Shut up Dante! Leave me alone!!

Waya: ::is eating gummy worms because it's a lot harder to choke on gummy worms than it is potato chips::

Vincent: He planned this out from the beginning…

Nero: What…? Son of a bitch!

Waya: ::chokes on gummy worms::

Dante: ::is singing:: I had sex with Nero and he admitted it

Nero: Shut up Dante! Shut up!

Dante: Whooo!

Nero: ::whining:: It's not true!

Vincent: … ::pats Waya's back::

Waya: ::stops choking::

Vergil: ::is listening to Waya's I-Pod so he can't hear anything::

Raziel: ::bought an I-Pod and now can't figure out how to use it::

Kain: ::bought a cell phone and is texting Vergil::

Sephiroth: ::bought a cell phone and called Cloud… but got no answer so called Tifa::

Vincent: ::still can't find a store that sells cell phones::

Vergil: ::receives text and sends one back to Kain::

Waya: ::is reading a text over Vergil's shoulder before running over to Kain to do the exact same thing when he receives a text::

Nero: ::is still whining:: It's not truuuuuue!!!

Waya: I guess that's it for Authoress' Note #…… 4?

Vincent: Yeah…

Waya: Then, yeah! That's it for Authoress' Note #4! ::laughs at what Vergil text Kain:: PS: None of this shit really is planned from the beginning, I just make it up as I go along, as for how it all fell into place perfectly (insert dramatic pause here) I have no idea


	13. Raziel's Author's Note

Raziel's Author's Note 1

Waya: Okay, Raziel; why'd you start this note?

Raziel: To ask a very simple question while at the same time pointing something out

Kain: Sounds complicated

Raziel: To you, maybe

Kain: Jackass… ::walks away::

Vincent&Sephiroth: ::are playing Go Fish::

Waya: ::to Raziel:: What?

Raziel: You know how no one says 'I don't know' anymore; they all say 'I dunno'. Why is that?

Waya: I dunno

Raziel: See? You did it again

Waya: So?

Raziel: So, I was wondering why

Waya: Because it makes things funnier

Vergil: ::just has to butt in and be a dick:: I dunno…

Nero: ::just has to butt in and also be a dick:: Yeah! Your shit's not funny anymore Waya!

Dante: ::just has to butt in and be perverted…… and gropes Nero::

Nero: ::punches him::

Waya: Shut yer face, Nero!

Vergil: You know w—

Waya: Shut yer face too, Vergil!

Vergil: …

Nero: She told you…

Vergil: ::to Waya:: You don't even know what I was going to say…

Waya: And I don't care!

Nero: ::opens his mouth to say something::

Vergil: ::threateningly:: Shut it, Nero

Nero: ::shuts his mouth::

Dante: You can open your mouth anytime I'm around

Nero: …

Raziel: How did a simple conversation turn into something perverted?

Kain: I dunno

Raziel: …

Vincent&Sephiroth: ::are playing Halo 3::

Nero: Everything turns into something perverted with Dante around

Vergil: Yeah…

Kain: Don't care

Dante: ::censored thoughts…about Kain::

Kain: ::is actually paying attention:: WHAT!?!?!

Dante: Not true! They're about Nero and everyone knows it!

Vincent&Sephiroth: ::are playing Super Smash Bros.::

Nero: …

Waya: Oookay…

Raziel: I agree, Waya; note over

Vincent&Sephiroth: ::are taking turns playing Assassin's Creed::


	14. Serious Authoress' Note

Serious Authoresses' Note

(that's a change)

(ok… well mostly serious)

Waya: Just wanted to say Chapter 6 is on its way

Sephiroth: We get to visit a psycho ward!

Vergil: I don't see what's so great about that…

Waya: Yep! With big beefy guys tackling us all the time, a demonic warden, and a bunch of elephant tranquilizers, who knows what could happen! I mean seriously; who knows 'cause even I don't… and that's bad…

Sephiroth: Oh! Oh! Oh! Don't forget the surprise guests!!

Waya: Oh yeah… They'll only pop in every other eight paragraphs or so, that is if this goes the way I plan which it probably won't but welcome our two new (temporary) members!

Desmond: Uh… Hi?

Altair: I was told there would be Templars here…

Waya: We'll get to them ::shoves Desmond and Altair out of the spotlight:: Now that I said everything I need to I dunno how to end this…

Raziel: The end?

Waya: Why not; the end!

Altair: ::doesn't like being ignored so steals Waya's spotlight::

Waya: ::?:: The hell? Who stole the spotlight?

Raziel: Until Chapter 6

Waya: ::looking under her couch::

Altair ::sneaks by::


End file.
